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August 8, 2018 10:56 pm  #21


Re: First Aid Kit: How to survive finding out your partner is LGBT

Hello all.

I am new to this forum. I just posted my story under "support."  I am hoping more people read it.  I would love to have some input!  Thank you all for being real and honest.  

 

August 11, 2018 4:17 pm  #22


Re: First Aid Kit: How to survive finding out your partner is LGBT

I’m desperately after some guidance and advice, I have been with my partner for 18 months, we recently moved in together in February.
When I first met my partner, he was the most gentle attentive man I had met. He identified himself as a free spirit, describing himself as not personally centred, somewhat complex, but this is what attracted me to him!.
I was quite literally whipped off my feet, to find a man so understanding and full of affection. 3 months into dating he informed myself that he likes to dress in woman clothes.
Firstly to describe myself, I’m rather naive sexually, reserved somewhat in this area, but something I have always been proud of.
This was something I had never come acrossin what a would call a sheltered and straight forward way of thinking. I always want people close to me to feel loved and cared for by myself, some would describe myself as a selfishness person, putting other first before myself.
When my partner told me, I was shocked, I felt this was due to my lack of understanding and sheltered sexual past.
I cried for several days, in secret. but I was sure I could gain a further understanding, I adored the gently kind soul that I had met.
After a few days of feeling rather confused, I asked my partner if he could give me some further understanding of his CD, he became very defensive after a short time and replied “I am what I am” and shut down the conversation.
Moving forward, I perhaps brushed things under the carpet, wanting to focus on himself as an individual.
On first meeting him, he had hidden all his clothes, but started to confidently show me items of clothing, high heels shoes wigs dresses makeup.
I didn’t feel comfortable, but wanted to support him in the best ways possible, as that is what a partner does when they fall in love.
My partner told me that prior to us meeting he had “blow outs,when life got a little too much,  this was drug induced, he would dress for days in woman’s clothes, drug taking. I was scared to engage in deeper conversation, I’m unsure why, all I new was that I loved this man and wanted to remain open minded.
I remember a conversation shortly after his disclosure telling me that he was in contact with a gay couple, but had terminated contact because of our connection.
Within a few months my partner moved in with me, I was aware he had been having counselling for almost 2 years. I noted his inability to manage simple stresses in life, he wood have days of moodiness and unpredictability in his emotions in general, dare I say small things became huge dramas.
I live in a small community, something he once loved, over time he hated.
As time went by I notes his constant weed smoking to manage his stress levels, he disclosed that he had periods of time of work when life appeared to become too much.
I was slowly becoming more anxious in myself, feeling I was treading on egg shells. On occasions he said he felt the need to dress up have a “blow out”, I was too nervous to ask if this would be on his own ( I do not take drugs in any shape or form).
To relieve the pressure I encouraged him to have a dress up within our home. He called himself maya, shaving his legs putting on wigs, taking 2 hours to prepare, during the time he drank and took several lines of cocaine.
I don’t feel comfortable in any shape or form, I remember drinking, having sex with him, him wanting to use sexual toysand waking up feeling I had no self esteem.
It has been my fault entirely that I swept things under the carpet, I just didn’t have the confidence or the courage to discuss. He was aware of my uneasiness, he became upset with me and said he would be contact his counseller, it was evident I had made him feel rejected and uneasy.
I have since found out that my partner is bi sexual, I feel so foolish, I ignored all the red flags, I just wanted to love him for whom he was.
My partner has now told me that he cannot come with the responsibilities of a normal relationship. He informed me that he felt the urge to dress up fo away, the rest is left to my imagination.
I am absolutely heart broken, I feel so guilty, I feel I am entirely to blame for the down fall of our relationship, he has also told me my lack of communication and not accepting him for whom he is has been the biggest down fall.
I do not even know where to begin to start the grieving process.
Any advice would be so very much appreciated. X

 

August 11, 2018 4:28 pm  #23


Re: First Aid Kit: How to survive finding out your partner is LGBT

Lydia,
 Start a thread for yourself under Support.  Please repost what you've written here there, and I am sure people will respond.  I'll start, here, however, by saying that I'm sorry you need to be here, but there are others here who have experienced what you have (myself included).  I'll also say that you should not blame yourself for going along with things; you were in shock, and your response to be tolerant and help the man you love was completely understandable.  The "downfall" of your relationship was not caused by anything you did; it was caused by your partner's failure to be honest with you from the beginning, and his actions toward you since then. 
  As for advice: as I read what you've said, he moved in with you, into your home.  The first thing to do is to get this man out of your home in order to protect yourself.  For one thing, his drug taking could put you in jeopardy with the police.  For another, the drugs make him unpredictable, and perhaps violent. 

 

August 11, 2018 4:41 pm  #24


Re: First Aid Kit: How to survive finding out your partner is LGBT

Lydia....I could have written much of that story.

None, not one bit, absolutely none of this is your fault! Do not let this man make you feel that any of it is your fault for not accepting him, it is entirely his fault for being a drug taking weirdo. I’m sorry but that is what he is.

You persistently say in your post that you were/are not comfortable with any of this. And that sex left you feeling bereft of self-esteem.

As you say you are somewhat naive and inexperienced, please don’t let that allow him to manipulate you into thinking you are in any way at fault....you simply are not.

You may love him but that’s not enough and I am absolutely sure that if you knew exactly what he was up to you would realise it might be infatuation not love...it really isn’t your job to sacrifice yourself in the name of love for people who are weak, addicted, weird, blameshifting, gaslighting jerks.

You deserve a whole lot of better.

 

August 12, 2018 2:06 am  #25


Re: First Aid Kit: How to survive finding out your partner is LGBT

Thankyou so much for your replies, it’s truly wholly appreciated.
I only wish I’d found this forum sooner, as I think I would have dealt with things slightly differently.
I have spent days scanning the internet for advice as regards to CD, all is about how much more attentive these individuals are!, which have made my thought process somewhat even more confused and I feel shameful for not excepting him for whom he is.
I felt him pulling away these past few weeks, but he continued to tell me it was due to my behaviour, not excepting him for what he is about.
He has 17 year old daughter whom appears very disfunctional, she is fully aware of her fathers cross dressing, he also describes his daughter as a free spirit, he loves her, this is evident, which made me feel that he was very capable of loving someone.
To date, he has now returned back to his home City, he has no where to live, no money and is now staying with his mother. He has made me feel immensely guilty, that the deterioration of our relationship was due to my lack of accepting him, our first few months together were so intense, he put me on a pedal stool, to now find out he feels confined to a normal relationship and everything that comes with it.
He has left me financially in a vulnerable position, I own my own house, but had a lodger prior to us getting together. He was so persistent that he wanted to move in with me and that I was the one, but he was insistent that my lodger needed to move out.
I am now in a position that to financially support myself, I shall need to find someone new to share my home, feeling so vulnerable myself.
It hasn’t helped that he is still very good friends with his ex wife, I totally accepted this, as I am not a jealous type in any shape or form, she is a lovely woman, but this has compounded my emotions of guilt for not accepting him for whom he is, I’ve also recently found out that she is also bi sexual.
The final dig to my heart was when he fell out with a colleague a work, whom found out about his cross dressing, he told his colleague that he liked fanny and cock and was bi, suddenly everything just clicked.
At times he has such a calm composure, which I find intimidating, he has a way of making me feel the erratic and unstable partner. I’m not a stupid woman, I have a good career working as a social worker, but the whole situation has made me feel as though I’m stupid and foolish.
I can’t even describe how I feel inside, my whole world has been turned upside down, I feel lonely and am really struggling to cope with the feelings of rejection, I feel weak and so foolish.

 

August 12, 2018 4:25 am  #26


Re: First Aid Kit: How to survive finding out your partner is LGBT

Lydia,
    That he is gone from your house is good news. You may have to fight your urge to be a caring person, but whatever you do don't let him guilt you into letting him move back in.  He preyed on you, and manipulated you, using your own character traits of caring concern, the ones that led to your becoming a social worker, against you and for his own selfish purposes. He is not your responsibility or your "project," and you are not his case worker.  You owe him nothing, and further contact with him will do only damage to you.
   You would do well to research the characteristics of narcissism, because his technique of "love-bombing" (the intensity of the first few months, his putting you on a pedastal) is right out of the narcissist's playbook of manipulation: it's how you get "hooked in" and bonded to him.  He turned the tables on you by making you feel the unstable one, but he's the one taking drugs, he's the one exhibiting "days of moodiness" and with the "inability to manage simple stresses," he's the one with the volatile emotions.  He's not a caring man; he's a user.  The person you fell in love with was a carefully constructed front.
   Be very careful of internet sites on CDing; most of them are run by and for cross-dressers, and they are full of men justifying their kink, denying that it's a sexual turn on for them, and downplaying the devastation it wreaks on partners and families.  
  You were played and used by a master, one who is wholly self-centered.  You need not feel foolish; you would never have done what he did, and you didn't see what he was doing because to do something like he did is foreign to you (and, thankfully, to most people).  Learn from experience--be wary in the future about someone who comes on so strongly and too fast, and who pressures you into letting them move in with you.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (August 12, 2018 4:28 am)

 

August 12, 2018 5:40 am  #27


Re: First Aid Kit: How to survive finding out your partner is LGBT

I’m so glad he’s gone Lydia. Outofhiscloset and I have both dealt with crossdressers and this pattern of use, blame and discard are clear. Please stay away from him or you will be in a real mess. Their sexuality just isn’t compatible with a straight woman, they are excited by themselves as a woman and also by men and transexuals...that really leaves people like us in a headspin.

Just think of a life without all of this again, surrounded by kind, supportive people, you don’t need a drug taking crossdressing “free spirit” (read liar and user) to mess your entire life up, believe me it will.

You will find another housemate, someone normal, maybe they will turn out to be a great new friend.

If (when) he crawls back saying he loves you and he’s changed. Don’t believe him, he will be lying, for sure...they do not change.

 

August 12, 2018 8:27 am  #28


Re: First Aid Kit: How to survive finding out your partner is LGBT

All of your advice has been so gratefully received.
I feel sorry for him, to be lost with your identity both humanistic and sexually.
Last week he told me that my job, my friends/family all got in the way, (even my pug dog!!!), of making him feel special, he felt at the pile of “my” heep.
The things he loved about myself originally  have now  become a huge issue.
I sensed he was jealous of me in some way, I’m very feminine, very sociable, a social butterfly, If I gave him my full attention, we were blissful.
I am wondering what an earth his councelling has been for, as he still appears so complex.
I wish I could void the thoughts in my head of him sleeping with men, after all of your words of wisdom, I feel that he has taken full advantage of my good nature.
I had endless ex’s on the scene in one form or another ( woman), his last partner bought him clothes and dressed him up, my darkest thought is that I never reached his sexual expectations, she was a councellor herself, surely if he was that that complex what an earth was she doing with him.
I’m on day 2 of no contact, the saddest thing is that a week prior to everything peaking, I found a lump on my breast, he has shown not a care in the world, he even forgot I was due to have a mammogram, this is from someone whom supposedly loved me.

 

August 12, 2018 9:22 am  #29


Re: First Aid Kit: How to survive finding out your partner is LGBT

It does seem that these people are with is for an insight into how to be a woman Lydia, and that is reflected now in his resentment at your genuine femininity.

Don’t feel sorry for him, he is doing exactly what he wants, he loves dressing up and fantasising, and probably acting out.

Do get yourself tested STDs

I hope your health worry turns out to be harmless, they often are. Don’t turn to him for support, use us or your friends. No contact is good, the best way to heal is to detatch and then the reality of what you were tolerating starts to flood in.

 

August 12, 2018 3:56 pm  #30


Re: First Aid Kit: How to survive finding out your partner is LGBT

The emotional roller coaster continues,

I had an opportunity to express my views today with ( let’s call him Andy).
I told him how much I felt hurt and somewhat mislead these past few months and that I found his CDing/drug taking all too much, I was very honest, for once, I told him he had turned my life upside down, reminding him how uncomfortable I felt during the one dress up we did together, but was never able to express my needs due to constantly feeling as though I was walking on egg shells.

The abuse I have received from him since, has quite literally taken my breath away and yet again has made me question myself morally.
Andy informed me that I was acting like the “fucking victim”, that I had insulted the sentive area of his life, everything was about my feelings, I was a spoilet princess who always had my social work head on and I was up my own ass.
To say I am mortified is an understatement, the complex yet supposisly sensitive men I thought I had met has become vile, I’m still shaking at the messages he has sent me.
He accused me of stalking social media ( I am 43 and barely know how to use Facebook) and said he was going to Fucken block me.
He told me that no wonder my Ex husband left me, having to tolerate such a selfish Bitch.
I’m now sat here questioning all over again IS IT ME, I can’t believe Andy has turned like that.
What happen to the complex gentle man whom was a free spirit!

I hate being so sensitive and wish I’d had some back bone to reteliate, but I felt I was encouraging what his beliefs were about me, to date I have completely ignored such hurtful messages.

 

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