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June 28, 2018 8:10 am  #11


Re: First Aid Kit: How to survive finding out your partner is LGBT

This is an excellent thread.  Great work everyone.  A suggestion regarding post #1 from June 21 which leads off as follows:  “So you believe your partner is LGBT ....”

I’d recommend substituting “have discovered” in place of “believe”.  So many straight spouses are plagued by confusion and self doubt and would prefer to think that their subjective “beliefs” are flawed.  So I think the verb “to believe” taps into self doubt and questioning, like a belief in Santa Claus.  “Have discovered” is more factual, validating and grounding.  It’s a key, lead off sentence (first sentence of the thread) so I think it’s important to set a tone of validation.

 

June 28, 2018 9:01 am  #12


Re: First Aid Kit: How to survive finding out your partner is LGBT

Jen, 
Thanks for the input.   Just to explore this a bit further..    What about those of us who never get proof?  Sure most of wind up catching our spouse cheating or looking at gay porn or we get some form of admission.  But many people here on this forum don't ever get proof.  The spouse will deny it, manipulate us, lie to use, etc...  

I feel like the term "believe" covers those of us who know for sure and those of us who will never get a concrete admission.  I would like to say "have discovered", but It feels like that phrasing suggests that those people have gotten proof?

thoughts?   Maybe there is another way to phrase this include everyone whether they are positive or not and yet still instill confidence rather than doubt?  I agree this is a very important area to pick the correct words, so I'm glad we are discussing it. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
     Thread Starter
 

June 28, 2018 10:26 am  #13


Re: First Aid Kit: How to survive finding out your partner is LGBT

Maybe if it read: "you suspect or you have discovered your partner is LGBT..." it would cover both situations and still give validation to those who do not have proof.

 

June 28, 2018 4:09 pm  #14


Re: First Aid Kit: How to survive finding out your partner is LGBT

2naive,

That solves it.

Thanks,

Jen

 

July 2, 2018 12:38 pm  #15


Re: First Aid Kit: How to survive finding out your partner is LGBT

I'm actually interested in the way we so often tend to crave absolute proof.  Maybe I have a little too much time on my hands, and I've been spending a little too much time staring at the ceiling at 3 in the morning.

When I got married, we had to attend counseling at our church before the church would perform the service, and all I remember from these sessions: the need for trust, and honesty, and communication.  Over and over, that's what they drilled into us.  Then we got married, and during the service the priest went on and on about trust being fundamental to a successful marriage.  Then we went to the reception and one after another of our friends and family stood and gave toasts and took the opportunity to with us luck, and over and over told us about the importance of trust and communication and honesty.  

So when you're confronted with a piece of evidence that has two plausible explanations, one of which is that your husband can't be trusted ... of course you're going to brush that aside, and choose the explanation that reinforces his trustworthiness.  Lack of trust, you were told over and over, in and of itself will destroy your marriage from within.

No wonder we sit around pining away for absolute proof to a mathematical certainty.  Just look at me: even with everything I know for certain, even knowing that he's acknowledged to me that he's cheated on me ... I'm still trying to figure out what he's up to right this very moment.  I'm still thinking I want to get a look at his text messages.  This is ridiculous -- what more do I need to know, above and beyond what I've already proven?

 

July 3, 2018 7:45 pm  #16


Re: First Aid Kit: How to survive finding out your partner is LGBT

So you suspect or have discovered is my favorite. I've been following along for 7 months and found the first aid list extremely beneficial....I came here believing but didn't have proof.  I think the suspect or have discovered is quite inclusive for all. 

 

July 4, 2018 1:40 pm  #17


Re: First Aid Kit: How to survive finding out your partner is LGBT

It has been 18 YEARS since my GH told me, "I want to explore my homosexual feelings." For all of these years, I have prayed, that he would discover it was just another "phase".  My (now grown) children have told me that they met his "friend" who live is Nice, France. So why am I still "pining" for a return to the fantasy? Facebook friends post pics of themselves celebrating anniversaries  with grown children, visiting as couples, enjoying retirement.  But not I....  Really having difficulty "moving on" because cannot make friends..... Definite trust issues.....

 

July 15, 2018 12:03 pm  #18


Re: First Aid Kit: How to survive finding out your partner is LGBT

Freephone 116123 is the Samaritans line in the UK & is available 24 hours a day.

 

July 15, 2018 5:08 pm  #19


Re: First Aid Kit: How to survive finding out your partner is LGBT

Hi Elisa,
Thank-you for your reply. I live in Brampton, Ontario, Canada. I have been trying to do as the First Aid Kit recommends since learning about it. My main problem is that most of the people I considered my friends consider themselves "Catholic Christians". And until recently, having LGBTQ tendencies were considered symptoms of illness, or controllable sin.  I also wonder if being in a mixed-race marriage was an issue with them. I have had a therapist since 1995, when GH turned 40 and became subtly abusive toward me.  By far, my greatest difficulty has been in making meaningful friendships. Family members have not been helpful, even accusing me of "making him turn to homosexual"!  As for finding people with similar experiences, I think there is still a taboo about being in a MOM.

 

July 15, 2018 10:32 pm  #20


Re: First Aid Kit: How to survive finding out your partner is LGBT

gonzo - there is a regular SSN group that meets in Toronto. Sorry to hear about the outmoded ideas being thrown at you. Orientation is not a conscious choice and it is these sorts of ideas that contribute to the closet.

 

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