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June 15, 2018 9:18 pm  #1


I'm so angry!

Sorry if I offend anyone, but...
I am so angry.  I am so fucking hurt and I can't believe my 3 daughters are or have been so...uncaring, uninterested, unloving, unconcerned.  NO ONE IS MAD AT HIM~WHY???????  I don't get it.  I get that this generation (22, 20 and 16) are more accepting of shit, but really?  I feel like a 2 year old constantly thinking "it's not fair', but the truth is it's NOT FUCKING fair!!!
I have dealt with my middle daughter's eating disorder while my stbx was high and unavailable to deal.  My middle daughter's suicide attempts while asshole was high.  My middle and youngest daughter's self harm/cutting, while asshole was high.  I have dealt with his ADDICTION and recovery.  I have dealt with my oldest daughter's drug issues (thanks GOD she is on a good path now), while he was dealing with is own recovery shit.  
IT IS NOT FUCKING FAIR!  My girls seem so ok with his "self discovery" as he himself said.

Last edited by phoenix (June 16, 2018 4:58 pm)

 

June 15, 2018 9:58 pm  #2


Re: I'm so angry!

My daughter ignored me for 5 months.  My therapist says it could be:  A)  Their "rock" has collapsed and so to feel safe they distance themselves because they can't bear to see their rock crumble.  B)  They grapple with their own issues and can't handle taking on any more pain.  HOWEVER,  when my daughter explained it as being when this all happened, it brought up issues from her past.  She felt I never paid enough attention to her and chose him over her.  ANYWAY.  I felt this was absolutely no excuse for not calling, visiting and completely ignoring me for 5 months.  I never went a week without calling my mother.  Truthfully I think that some daughters are perhaps too spoiled and self centered to actually give a shit about their mothers sometimes.  It's all about them.  We work for THEM and they're not required to give back.  No, it's not fucking fair.  As far as I know, a mother's work is never, ever done and I've heard it usually isn't appreciated until they're 30.  

Do they know that you're hurting?  Maybe you're putting up a brave face and their not seeing through it?
I was actually hospitalized after this happened and she still didn't call or visit once I was home.  Not only was I furious but I was hurt and blaming myself for it too.  Greyhound straightened me out on that dilemma thank goodness.  Not my fault.  She is immature and thinks mostly of herself.  She called me only when she was being evicted from her apartment and her car was being reposesed.  She needed to come home and needed money.   Sad but it's the truth.  





 
 

Last edited by Kathyd (June 15, 2018 11:16 pm)


WTF
 

June 15, 2018 10:16 pm  #3


Re: I'm so angry!

You're much further on in this process than I, but I know how much this must hurt you
(I've often wanted to scream "why doesn't somebody confront HIM, ask him some hard questions!" 

I think the straight spouse is always the easiest of the parents for the children to focus 
their confusion and emotion on, even if it means appearing uncaring, uninterested, unloving, unconcerned.


 


KIA KAHA                       
 

June 16, 2018 5:01 am  #4


Re: I'm so angry!

We are taken for granite because we have been the bedrock of the family. Children have to fully mature - perhaps with families of their own - before they develop empathy. If their father is in the "gay adolescence" phase they can bond him with because they've been there: self-centered and all about experiences and fun.

If you are in the U.S. be nice to yourself tomorrow for Fathers Day. You've earned it.


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

June 16, 2018 7:44 am  #5


Re: I'm so angry!

Jacki,
 No, it's not fair, and, yes, it's infuriating.  There is, however, a vast difference between the addict's (childish) impulse of "I want and I'm going to have it, everyone else be damned!" and your logically arrived at observation that "It's not fair!"  It's not unreasonable for you to feel that after all you've done for them and for him and in the family that you have earned some consideration for your efforts, love, and sacrifice. 
 The problem with his "self discovery" is that it was conducted selfishly.  Without regard for you or for your daughters. Just as was his addiction.  My stbx is/was an addict (cocaine, cigarettes, alcohol, sugar, overeating), and I have observed that addiction (and recovery) comes with an obsessive focus on the self and the self's relationship to the current addictive substance providing the (dopamine) high.  
   The position your daughters are taking right now is probably not their final stance nor their only reaction.  I'm not trying to excuse their current or former behaviors, but is it possible that given their own problems in the past they may be feeling "Well, this explains a lot about our family life and my problems, and now everything will be ok!"?  That is, they might be looking for a good outcome for themselves?  Alternately, it's possible they are engaging in their own form of trauma bond, because daughters who grow up with addict fathers acquire their own complicated psychology that is a combination of "need to please and accommodate to be loved and need to get away from the disorder." They may in the future come to understand the stability you provided and to appreciate that and you.
  Whatever is going on with them and him, you have no access to and can't control.  You have access only to your own feelings and thought processes.   It's ok to get angry, and even to tell your daughters, reasonably, that although you understand that there is nothing wrong with being gay, their father's sexuality is not the problem--his behavior to you and to them is, and you are hurt that they don't seem to recognize the hurtfulness of his behavior.  (Addicts don't get a pass on their behavior because they're addicts--addicts don't get a version of "the devil made me do it"). 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (June 16, 2018 7:47 am)

 

June 16, 2018 12:32 pm  #6


Re: I'm so angry!

Kathyd wrote:

My daughter ignored me for 5 months.  My therapist says it could be:  A)  Their "rock" has collapsed and so to feel safe they distance themselves because they can't bear to see their rock crumble.  B)  They grapple with their own issues and can't handle taking on any more pain.  HOWEVER,  when my daughter explained it as being when this all happened, it brought up issues from her past.  She felt I never paid enough attention to her and chose him over her.  ANYWAY.  I felt this was absolutely no excuse for not calling, visiting and completely ignoring me for 5 months.  I never went a week without calling my mother.  Truthfully I think that some daughters are perhaps too spoiled and self centered to actually give a shit about their mothers sometimes.  It's all about them.  We work for THEM and they're not required to give back.  No, it's not fucking fair.  As far as I know, a mother's work is never, ever done and I've heard it usually isn't appreciated until they're 30.  

Why thank you kind lady, lol.
Its like children I have taught in the past. Parents would say-oh, he cant eat with a fork, wipe his own bum, follow rules, accept the word no etc because he has x, y or z.
And I'd think- NO, its because you haven't actually done any damned parenting or taught them manners or boundaries. Not everything can be explained by x, y or z. Sometimes they are just being an arsehole.
Its the same with TGT- Oh, its because he's gay and is having a hard time accepting his new identity or whatever.
NO- he's just being an inconsiderate selfish arsehole and wants attention.
Same with grown up children- they sometimes want to deflect the attention back onto themselves. its like they've reverted to being toddlers. Aargh.
That being said I haven't spoken to my son for 2 weeks. I know he's ok. He's been moving in with his partner. But a "HI Mum, how are you would be nice". 
Canny win lol.

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