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June 12, 2018 9:36 am  #1


Grappling

I am 57, married 38 years. I am struggling with forgiveness( I don't even think I am questioning this anymore, I am just trying to accept it) for all I longed for/needed and know it will never come to be reality for me. I asked him nicely a couple years back, are you gay, to which he replied, I don't know, I don't think so. First off, I have never ever complained about his performance(though extremely disfunctional) just at times the fact that we rarely had sex. Before marriage the excuse for no sex was, I respect you too much. After marriage, we had sex one time on our wedding night, for like 10 seconds. Then he cried but told me he had no idea why. I felt awful from our wedding night on because I felt undesirable, one time on your wedding night and having your new husband cry then go to sleep will do that. He always has flinched if I happen to touch him in bed but I can hold his hand and kiss him when not in bed. If I bring up the subject of him flinching, jerking and pulling away(very obviously), he denies it and says it never happens even though I cannot possibly count the times it has happened. He asked me why every time he touched me that I thought we had to have sex, he said I was a sex maniac for wanting sex once a week as a newly married woman. We had sex about once a week for the first few years and less than once a month after that. I have never ever looked across the room to find him looking longingly at me, never, not even once has he come up behind me and put his arms around me romantically or even suggested that we have sex when not already in bed. Sexy nightgowns, lingerie etc had zero effects on him, 100% of the time. I was not fat or ugly though he always made me feel hideously unwantable by neglecting me as a sexual being. The only time we ever had sex is after watching a romantic scene in a show(still rare, more like a reminder to him than a turn on), when he wakes in the night with an erection(since he could not get it on by help of me or my body), he lays next to me and tries to get himself going and when he can't he just rolls over and goes to sleep. I have been told by him...its not you, its me...so many times I could not even guess at the count. That only screamed, there IS something wrong with you(me) to me. I guess I am just trying to work through this and find forgiveness for him but I am very hurt and angry because I feel like his lies ruined any chance I had at being a good lover to someone. Saving grace: he is sweet, caring and he does love me, I have no doubt. I do not believe he has ever physically cheated on me, to his own expense, he remains faithful but at the same time, it has been at my expense also. He is the very 'best' friend I have or could ever have had and I love him dearly. I have no plans to leave him but wonder at myself if that might be different if I were in a different manner of physical health. I'd like to think that I would still want to stay with him because I truly love him, it's just that the extreme hurt and disappointment is so strong right now that I cannot get past it. I feel like an admittance from him and an apology would go a LONG way toward making me heal but I don't think I will ever get either so I need to heal on my own and don't know how. I think this is a secret he will take to his grave rather than admit to himself or me. I am not homophobic and he knows I support LGBT rights and equality. 

Last edited by Rosallie (June 12, 2018 9:37 am)

 

June 12, 2018 10:39 am  #2


Re: Grappling

You are a gem Rosallie.  To have been married to gay man and deprived of the blessing of sexuality in your marriage is awful.  For you to continue to love him and care about him and to be asking how to find forgiveness is a very impressive quality.  Few people in the world would be so compassionate as you are. 

It sounds like his sexuality is not in question.  He is clearly not a straight man.  But what is in question is how you chose to move forward.  Maintaining your marriage is a very virtuous goal and we support you in your desire to do that.   We have a special section of this forum for people committed to maintain their marriage:  I would encourage you to join the conversation here:   http://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewforum.php?id=5

Let us know how we can support you. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

June 12, 2018 11:19 am  #3


Re: Grappling

Thank-you so much for your kind words and for the direction of which board may help me. 

     Thread Starter
 

June 12, 2018 12:10 pm  #4


Re: Grappling

Just to say whatever you decide-and it might be a long road, we are all here for you. I understand what you mean when you say he a kind person. Mine basically was too. But Rosalie, you deserve so much more. You deserve to be cherished and desired and loved completely. And I dont think he can do that. The danger is that in being kind to him, you can neglect your own needs. It is exhausting. Take care of yourself too-xx
Oh, and btw, I'm 51 and married 27 years, separated 2 months. Some folks on here have been married as long as you too. There is life ahead.

Last edited by greyhound gal (June 12, 2018 12:11 pm)

 

June 12, 2018 12:58 pm  #5


Re: Grappling

Thank-you greyhound girl...through tears, I had no idea there was support groups for this so again, I thank-you.

     Thread Starter
 

June 12, 2018 1:07 pm  #6


Re: Grappling

Big hugs to you xxx. I would have sunk without trace without everyone on here. There is just no support for us. It can be very lonely. 

 

June 14, 2018 7:04 am  #7


Re: Grappling

Thank-you for your kind words Wondering89, nice to wake up to, good start to my day. 

     Thread Starter
 

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