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June 12, 2018 8:54 am  #1


Filed for Divorce, Day 13

So last night I read over the petition for dissolution of my marriage.  I told my soon to be ex-husband last night that rather than have him served, I will let him know when they are ready to him to sign.  As I read through some of the posts where the straight spouse tried to keep the marriage intact or work thru this "coming out nightmare" I wonder if I am acting to quickly.  I also wonder if my path might be easier for me, because I am moving forward with the realization that my marriage is over.  The truth is, who the hell knows, right?  All I know, I think, is that it is time to move on, to set us both free~ours has never really been a happy marriage due to my constant need and desire for the intimacy that I now see my soon to be ex-husband was never capable to giving to me.  I feel as though it has been a sad fucking love story with a horrible ending.  But, I do hope and pray that one day I can look back and say, "thank God I caught him looking at gay porn" because it lead to the next chapter of our lives.
I must say that today, I am sad for my husband.  He is struggling so much with this realization~he doesn't want to be gay and believes his feelings have "evolved" into where he is today.  I say, he has repressed his feelings for his whole life.  Who knows where the truth lies.  What I know is that his family of origin is not supportive.  His own mother hasn't reached out to him!  As a mother, I do not understand that.  His mother has communicated to my sister-in-law that she feels guilty, that since he is her son, she is somehow responsible.  Such a fucked up way of thinking.  My soon to be ex-husband has not fostered relationships of any kind over the years.  He barely was able to do it with me and our 3 daughters much less anyone else.  Therefore, today, when he needs support and friends, he has no one really.  This is sad to me and also makes me count my blessings that I have maintained and made wonderful, strong and dear friendships my entire life.  If for no other reason, they are needed at times like these.  He also feels such shame and guilty that he doesn't feel free to tell people and sadly, I think growing and moving on will be hindered as a result.  For me, it helps to talk about this horrible, hurtful mess we are all in.  
Today, at this moment in time, I feel strong.  Here's to a happy day 13 to all.

 

June 12, 2018 11:44 am  #2


Re: Filed for Divorce, Day 13

No, you're not moving too fast.  People move at the speed that is right for them.  I pulled the plug long before I knew for sure and certain that my ex was gay.  I didn't find that out until 8 months after I'd asked for a divorce.  At that point, I then knew what the root issue of all our strife and pain was.  But before I knew for sure, I knew that I was unhappy, I'd communicated that, and no matter how much hard work I'd put in, things weren't changing (and I couldn't live that way forever).  Had I known earlier that my exdh was gay, I'd have pulled the plug much earlier.

I think a ton of people wait because of one or more of a few reasons.  One is fear. Fear that they'll be alone, or that they can't make it financially on their own, or even how they might be judged by others for getting divorced.  Another is hope - we may find out spouse guilty of cheating, but we're hoping it's a one-time thing just like they're leading us to believe it is.  I swear - if they wouldn't come at us with all the lies to cover it all up, we'd be much better off.  But if we still love them and then find out that our entire world as we know it is ending (and we don't want it to - we want it to go back to yesterday, before we knew), then we hope beyond hope that the words coming out of our spouse's mouth are true.  So we give it more time and effort and patience.  Other people truly don't want to tear their family apart (especially if there's children involved), and so they want to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they've done EVERYthing they could to make this work - even some time giving concessions that they would never consider otherwise.  Marriage is a big deal - so is children. We don't throw in the towel easily on these things, and rightly so.  But once you KNOW that it can't be saved, you're good to move on.  Knowing you'll never be able to trust them again is paramount to knowing that it cannot work.  Knowing that you haven't been happy in forever, and this shows you why is another reason.  Or not being able to get over the hurt and betrayal of them having been unfaithful.  Still, knowing doesn't mean it'll be easy, but you need to be there before you can move to the next step - which is creating a new life without them as your spouse.  If you're already there, more power to ya.  I know I would have been there much earlier had I known.

Kel

P.S. - My ex didn't really have any other relationships other than his mother, me, and our 3 children when we divorced.  I felt badly for him, but what could I do?  I'd encouraged him for years to develop relationships.  He told me that he didn't want to because if it was a girl I'd be jealous (no I wouldn't. And he KNEW that).  And that he made it seem like I'd be even more jealous of guy friendships. Huh????  None of it was my fault - and holding on forever hadn't brought him one more friendship than when we'd started.  It was like he was always closed down from authenticity, so it prevented him from forming real friendships.  So be it.  Not my fault, not my problem.  Sad, but me staying with him wasn't fixing that either.
 

Last edited by Kel (June 12, 2018 11:47 am)


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

June 12, 2018 12:16 pm  #3


Re: Filed for Divorce, Day 13

Way to go you being so proactive. 
I wonder if its a thing- them not being good at relationships in general. You've both said your husbands didn't really have other relationships. Mine didn't either, apart from family and work colleagues. Mmmmm.

 

June 12, 2018 12:25 pm  #4


Re: Filed for Divorce, Day 13

greyhound gal wrote:

I wonder if its a thing- them not being good at relationships in general. You've both said your husbands didn't really have other relationships. Mine didn't either, apart from family and work colleagues. Mmmmm.

Interesting tangent.  
My ex was also very odd in this area.  She was very outgoing and could talk to anyone, but very bad at deeper friendships and relationships.  She like my father but she was just deplorable with my mother.  She had very few close female friends and the ones she did get close to were of course other lesbians.  I always wanted to have great friendships with other married couples but that never ever worked.  My ex couldn't handle being around other married women.  


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

June 12, 2018 12:37 pm  #5


Re: Filed for Divorce, Day 13

I have to believe it is all related to them not being their true and authentic selves.  I mean, whether it is conscious or not, they are not real.  Not real even to themselves in some cases I think (certainly the case with my soon to be ex husband).  So if you can't or won't be real and authentic, how can you have deep meaningful friendships?  Makes sense to me.

     Thread Starter
 

June 13, 2018 1:37 pm  #6


Re: Filed for Divorce, Day 13

Jacki, I could of written your post word for word, all of it, is the same story. Only I am much older at 64 years and after 40 years of marriage. I am separated and doing my best to move on. This is the hardest thing I have ever done, the pain is horrific, I just keep repeating to myself the I will be OK. Doing my best to stay out of that rabbit hole.

Hang on hon, you are doing good. You are choosing happiness and truth for yourself. Hugs to you

 

June 13, 2018 3:05 pm  #7


Re: Filed for Divorce, Day 13

I agree about them not being able to have authentic relationships because they're not being their true selves.  I once heard from a therapist that when you try to suppress something (like pain from trauma - but in this case it would be hiding their sexuality), you think you can just dampen down that one area so you won't feel it.  But it doesn't work - you dampen down the entire system, so that you might not be feeling the pain from the trauma, but you're also no longer feeling other pain, or even joy.  The entire system is shut down, so to speak.  It makes complete sense to me.

My ex and I did have one couple whom we were good friends with.  We almost never hung out without all the kids too, though.  We had 3, and they had 5.  My 3 and their first three were the same ages (the boys matched up with their girls, and their boy matched up with my daughter - so cute). So the wife and I adored each other, and the husband would usually hang on the couch and watch baseball, and then suddenly my husband was there with him, acting like a super fan (when he would never have watched a ball game on his own ever). He just kind of imitated the other guy.  I think he either wanted to be him, or he liked him.

I also wonder if maybe my ex didn't want to be around other men because he didn't trust himself around them.  Like trying to keep his hand out of the cookie jar, ya know?

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

June 13, 2018 9:44 pm  #8


Re: Filed for Divorce, Day 13

Violated wrote:

Jacki, I could of written your post word for word, all of it, is the same story. Only I am much older at 64 years and after 40 years of marriage. I am separated and doing my best to move on. This is the hardest thing I have ever done, the pain is horrific, I just keep repeating to myself the I will be OK. Doing my best to stay out of that rabbit hole.

Hang on hon, you are doing good. You are choosing happiness and truth for yourself. Hugs to you

Thank you~today has been hard and I thank you for the kind words
So sorry for your pain too, 40 years, huh?  Unbelievable~I just HAVE to think that somewhere, somehow, there is a better place for us. 
Hugs back to you!

     Thread Starter
 

June 26, 2018 2:42 pm  #9


Re: Filed for Divorce, Day 13

greyhound gal wrote:

Way to go you being so proactive. 
I wonder if its a thing- them not being good at relationships in general. You've both said your husbands didn't really have other relationships. Mine didn't either, apart from family and work colleagues. Mmmmm.

I'm just catching up on some old posts here, but I want to weigh in on this too.  My husband and I were in our twenties when we first met.  I was a little more shy and reclusive, and he was really outgoing and gregarious.  Over the decades, as we moved across the country, had our daughter, and tried to find our way in different communities, somehow the dynamic was reversed: I have far more friends, while he has increasingly turned inward and shunned all the people he feels are inferior to the circle of friends he left behind.

I do think that when you're keeping a big secret, it isolates you from humanity.  He seemed to get really misanthropic over the years -- like he'd be resentful if our daughter had friends over, making us all feel like kids are somehow unwelcome in this house.  If the phone rang, he'd get angry: "who on earth is calling all the time?" as if someone calling the house for me or for our daughter was somehow insulting him.  He even refused to pick up the phone sometimes -- if I was busy or in the bath, he'd just let it ring, and he'd actually get angry if I suggested he should pick it up and tell the person I'd call right back.  He'd snap "I'm not your secretary" as if a simple courtesy like that were somehow demeaning.

I don't think he even sees how unfriendly he's become over the decades.  I do think a lot of this is because he's hiding his big secret from everybody.

 

June 27, 2018 6:56 pm  #10


Re: Filed for Divorce, Day 13

Interesting to note, My GIDH also has no friends, I always established our couples friends, he does not have any close friendships.

 

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