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June 8, 2018 8:52 am  #1


Day 9

My husband told his sister and mother yesterday he is gay.  I know this because my sister-in-law called me.  She was more supportive of me than I had expected, so that was nice.  She asked me lots of confusing questions abt her brother and I had the strength to request she not.  She wanted to know if I thought this was part of his destructive pattern (drug addiction, inability of connect with anyone)~I wanted to say DUH????  But I just told her I needed to stay focused on me and to pls not ask me things like that.  My mother-in-law spent our entire marriage telling me how the girls and I are his whole life and he loves me so much.  I hope she feels like a fucking piece of shit right now!!!!!  She made excuses for him for 30 years!!!!  She sent me a text message yesterday saying how much she loves me and that this isn't my fault.  So easy to say, and of course I know it isn't my fault, but it doesn't stop the hurt.

I am ready to begin the divorce process.  I want this to just be over.  I want my life back.  I want the pain and hurt and anger to go away.  I am thankful for the very good friends I have.  I am thankful I can support myself.  I am thankful I am healthy. 

 

June 8, 2018 9:17 am  #2


Re: Day 9

Must be nice to have that care and affirmation come from those important people in your life.  

My ex's only sister unfriended me and blocked me on facebook.  None of them ever reached out to me at all. 
A year after the divorce I reached out to ask if we could have dinner since I was in town for Christmas.  They accepted and it was a nice dinner, but we never talked about anything important.  It was just pretending that things were normal and being polite.   
It would have been really nice to have them tell me they care about me and are sorry for what happened and they still support me, etc..   But nothing.. oh well. 
 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

June 8, 2018 9:37 am  #3


Re: Day 9

I'm glad they reached out to you and affirmed their love and support.  My own family didn't even do that.  The only thing that happened on my end was that once they knew my ex was gay, they stopped talking to me about trying to make the marriage work.  Or rather, stopped telling me that they thought I was wrong to tear my family apart.  I felt like if it was such a nail in the coffin that they got the futility of continuing to try, why couldn't they see that it must have been devastating to me?  In truth, I just didn't act devastated enough.  I'd already gone through all those emotions for years before I came to the conclusion that I needed to end the marriage.  Still though - it would have been nice to even receive a "I'm sorry you're going through this" text or call.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

June 8, 2018 10:16 am  #4


Re: Day 9

phoenix wrote:

Must be nice to have that care and affirmation come from those important people in your life.  

My ex's only sister unfriended me and blocked me on facebook.  None of them ever reached out to me at all. 
A year after the divorce I reached out to ask if we could have dinner since I was in town for Christmas.  They accepted and it was a nice dinner, but we never talked about anything important.  It was just pretending that things were normal and being polite.   
It would have been really nice to have them tell me they care about me and are sorry for what happened and they still support me, etc..   But nothing.. oh well. 
 

I'm sorry ~ that sounds terrible.  I am guessing there are no children?  That must make a big difference.  I have 3 of their nieces/granddaughters so I am sure that helps them to care more, but who knows.  I agree it would have been nice and even the right thing to do, to reach out to you.  
 

     Thread Starter
 

June 8, 2018 10:25 am  #5


Re: Day 9

Kel wrote:

I'm glad they reached out to you and affirmed their love and support.  My own family didn't even do that.  The only thing that happened on my end was that once they knew my ex was gay, they stopped talking to me about trying to make the marriage work.  Or rather, stopped telling me that they thought I was wrong to tear my family apart.  I felt like if it was such a nail in the coffin that they got the futility of continuing to try, why couldn't they see that it must have been devastating to me?  In truth, I just didn't act devastated enough.  I'd already gone through all those emotions for years before I came to the conclusion that I needed to end the marriage.  Still though - it would have been nice to even receive a "I'm sorry you're going through this" text or call.

Kel

Geeze, I guess I really do need to be thankful for what I do have...Sorry your family wasn't supportive or kind or loving.  Some people just stink!  But many people are wonderful! 
You said you already had gone through all those emotions for years.  How long were you married?  
 

     Thread Starter
 

June 8, 2018 10:31 am  #6


Re: Day 9

jacki wrote:

I'm sorry ~ that sounds terrible.  I am guessing there are no children?  That must make a big difference.  I have 3 of their nieces/granddaughters so I am sure that helps them to care more, but who knows.  I agree it would have been nice and even the right thing to do, to reach out to you.  
 

I have two boys and three nieces.  I know they still love my boys and they still have some connection to them.   But I don't get to connect with my nieces anymore. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

June 8, 2018 10:48 am  #7


Re: Day 9

phoenix wrote:

jacki wrote:

I'm sorry ~ that sounds terrible.  I am guessing there are no children?  That must make a big difference.  I have 3 of their nieces/granddaughters so I am sure that helps them to care more, but who knows.  I agree it would have been nice and even the right thing to do, to reach out to you.  
 

I have two boys and three nieces.  I know they still love my boys and they still have some connection to them.   But I don't get to connect with my nieces anymore. 

Ummm, I DON'T get that.  How can they treat you or act as though it is your fault?  Like you are the bad guy?  This whole thing is soooo confusing, right?  I mean, perhaps I can understand the straight spouse's family not being ok or on-board with the gay spouse (not saying it is right, but it would make more sense~to me at least), you know what I mean?  Ugh!  Sorry that you don't get to see your nieces, thankful your boys still get to be in their lives

     Thread Starter
 

June 8, 2018 11:28 am  #8


Re: Day 9

Blood is thicker than water.  They want to believe and support their blood family member and they don't want to face stressful choices and decisions.  Most people take the easy path in life.

My ex tried to label me as "controlling" because I wouldn't support her.  How could I support her coming out as a lesbian when i was the collateral damage in her doing that?  Why would I support her changing religions when I knew that she did it to suit her sinful desires?  Why would she think I would support her desire to have her married lesbian lover move into her house with my boys immediately after our divorce?  These things seem like common sense to me, but in her twisted mind she felt like I was being terrible to her.  So i'm quite sure she shared these frustrations and probably other ridiculous accusations about me with her family.  
When a person can't handle the guilt and shame over their actions they have to come up with ways to make their spouse look and seem terrible to help them justify their actions.  

You should prepare for this to happen with your spouse at some point.  Hopefully it won't, but it helps to be prepared so you aren't blindsided later. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

June 8, 2018 12:31 pm  #9


Re: Day 9

Not one of my in-laws has been in touch with since he left and it really hurts. We were together for 28 years and married for nearly 27. I have 3 sisters in law and 7 nieces and nephews, some of whom are adults. Its like they dont care. I shudder to think what he has told them- probably that I'm fine, which you'd think they would see through.

 

June 8, 2018 2:49 pm  #10


Re: Day 9

jacki wrote:

You said you already had gone through all those emotions for years.  How long were you married?  
 

I was married for 16 years.  I didn't for certain know when I asked for a divorce that he was truly gay.  I'd found evidence over the years, but it was very small, and always explained away. I'd suffered the entire marriage from a lack of intimacy. I was unhappy the entire 16 years, but for the first six years I figured many couples with young children had this issue from being exhausted from dealing with the kids.  For the 10 years after that, I was "actively" unhappy; that means that instead of just asking for more intimacy, I started stating outright that it was a problem, and that I was unhappy, and asking for an explanation of why this was happening - so we could work on the root of the problem.  He would tell me there wasn't an issue, as far as he was concerned. He was perfectly happy with the amount of intimacy. The issue was that I was oversexed and expected too much.  And that I wanted too much out of the actual sex - meaning anything beyond standard missionary or doggy-style was declared "too adventurous".  Open-mouth kissing was unnecessary.  That's for when people are dating.  He would intermittently come up with excuses about how it was my weight, or how I didn't dress sexy enough, etc.  So that would put the ball back in MY court, and leave me to work on ME.  But no matter what I did (dressed sexier, lost weight, literally got surgery to make my breasts perkier and stomach flatter), it.didn't.matter.

It wasn't just the lack of sex.  It was intimacy overall.  He wouldn't do anything beyond hold my hand (mostly in public, as if it was an outbound symbol that we were in love).  No gentle touches, no "looks" from across the room, no sweet nothings whispered.  Hell, not even any compliments - EVER.  Not on my physical being, not on my parenting or as a wife, or even on a single one of my strong points.  There were times when I'd get all dressed up - for a wedding or event (I always wore makeup and nice clothes to my corporate job - I'm talking more dressed up than normal - high heels, hair done, beautiful dress, etc.).  I'd come down the stairs like Scarlett O'Hara, and the kids would all ooooh and ahhhh, and dh would just say, "Ready?"  In the car, I'd say, "You look nice", and he'd say, "Thanks."  When I complained about never feeling noticed, he'd say, "I'm just not good at that stuff".  I'd say, "It's easy - when the kids oooh and ahhhh, that's your prompt - just tell me I look pretty."  Now..... that's a pretty big concession to make - knowing that I have to tell you what to say and how to know when to say it.  How much could it even mean if said in those circumstances? But still - he couldn't even do that much.

So I began telling him in more earnest not just how unhappy I was, but that my needs weren't being met.  And that it wasn't optional any longer.  This needed to get fixed or it would spell the end of our marriage.  He'd say, "Oh-KAY!" And then..... nothing would change.  He'd pull out the "Joy of Sex" book - as if that was going to tell him how to see me - and look it over for a night, and then it'd disappear again, and nothing would change.  We'd go through this cycle every six months for YEARS.  And then one day I told him that things needed to change NOW - or we were nearing the end.  No changes.  Then I told him that I was well past that point.  That I was either going to cheat, or I was going to ask for a divorce.  He was appalled.  HOW could I even think of doing either of those things? We don't believe in divorce!  And CHEATING?  Why KEL, I thought you were a better person than that!  I told him you can't expect a starving person to not steal a loaf of bread eventually in order to survive.  And he WAS starving me, sexually.  And still...... NOTHING.

So my heart got broken a million times over the 16 years. I just kept trying to convince myself that I could go on without the stuff that made a marriage a marriage (vs. a roommate situation).  And then one day, I just realized that whatever the issue was, it was never going to get better.  And I couldn't go on living that way any longer.  I didn't want to.  I was scared to be on my own.  Three kids and not enough money to support them.  And I worried that I'd never find love again anyway - what if he WAS the best I could ever find?  And then I realized that I stood a chance at finding happiness if I left.  If I stayed, I was never going to have it.  I stood a better chance of finding love out in the wild than I did within my own marriage.  That did it.  And I told him one day that I just couldn't do this anymore - I was done.  He couldn't believe it.  I was livid - I'd told him exactly what was coming for YEARS.  And NOW he wanted me?  WHY?  He said that he never believed my threats.  NOW he got that I was serious.  But you know what? That was insulting. It was fine for ME to be miserable, but when he stood to lose something, THEN it was time to do something about it? Fuck that noise.  It should have mattered to him that I wasn't happy.  If he could be happy despite that, that said more about how he felt about me than anything else.  Too little, too late.

It wasn't until a year later that I learned he was gay.  He'd told my brother-in-law a good 8 months earlier (while drunk), who finally told me.  He still denied it. But I knew.  And he started dating men shortly after that. Honestly, at that point finding out he was gay was like a get-out-of-jail-free card; it was the nail in the coffin that other people respected.  But seeing how happy he was dating men did gut me; I thought all those years that he'd been happy.  It's most of why I stayed in the marriage.  Seeing that there was a whole level of happiness that I'd never seen blew me away.  I'd never truly seen him happy, and I never knew that. Suddenly my entire marriage felt invalidated.

I very much respect that a lot of people are still in love with their spouse (and their marriage) when they find out that he/she is gay.  And that that's got to be a very different journey from the one I took.  Different kinds of pain.

Kel
 

Last edited by Kel (June 8, 2018 2:51 pm)


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

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