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June 7, 2018 10:00 am  #1


forgiveness

I know, for me, for now, it is way too soon to be worrying about this, BUT, are there any stories out there, where, with time, the straight spouse moves to a place of forgiveness and peace with the parent of their children?  I do NOT want to live out the rest of my days pissed off at him and likely the world for all the pain and agony he has caused me.  I do not want the resentment to eat me alive.  I do not want to be nasty towards my children's father.  After all, this is a man I have loved for more than 1/2 my life.  I still love him, he is not a bad human, he is/was just a really bad husband.

 

June 7, 2018 11:03 am  #2


Re: forgiveness

Jacki, 

You are right that it's probably too early for you to start processing forgiveness.  But the idea that it is on your mind speaks volumes about your character and fiber.  You are awesome.   

Forgiveness is for you.  It's you releasing your need for revenge or vindication and not allowing the anger and bitterness to consume your life.  It is typically one of the last stages in the process.  But everyone is different so you might go through this in your own unique way. 

I worked very hard at forgiveness for a very long time.  It was probably the biggest hurdle I had to overcome.  I was so angry and so bitter and so hung up on fairness and justice.  It consumed me for 6 to 12 months after discovery.  I read books and prayed about it and talk to friends and my pastor and read articles and talked here about it.  For me.. I knew that I didn't want it to have a hold on my life, so I needed to let it go.   It finally clicked for me this spring.. more than 18 months after disclosure.  I finally understood that forgiveness meant that I didn't need to settle the score or see her get what she deserves.  It meant no longer dwelling on my anger.. letting it go and wishing her well.   She never apologized to me, but I finally was proactive and sent her an email and said "I forgive you".  I didn't do it for her.  I did it for me.  You don't even have to ever communicate it to them.. it was just the way I felt I needed to do it.  

If you are a religious person there are some big discussions to be had in that realm. 

Here a couple other threads on the topic of forgiveness
http://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=964
http://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=856

One of the best books I read was:
The Art of Forgiveness   by Lewis Smedes
here are some quotes from that book. 
https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/56576.Lewis_B_Smedes


You're doing great so far jacki!   It's a long road and you're going to have some big hurdles and hard days, but you will make it.  


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

June 8, 2018 5:08 pm  #3


Re: forgiveness

Jacki, I so understand, at 64 years old, I don't want to live my life with all this anger and resentment, I want my happiness back. Just when I think maybe I have let go of that anger.......it punches me right in the gut.

 

June 9, 2018 3:36 am  #4


Re: forgiveness

I am trying to move forward but today am plagued with terrible feelings of anger and a desire to lash out at him-probably by email. Since he left I've discovered emails and I haven't had the opportunity to confront him face to face. Is there any point?
Have any of you really let rip and did it do any good or should I just walk away from it?

Last edited by greyhound gal (June 9, 2018 9:23 am)

 

June 9, 2018 8:32 am  #5


Re: forgiveness

There are many other people with much more experience with this, but, for whatever it's worth:
I believe that, somehow, to someone, we must let out our feelings and hurt and pain and all that.
I also believe that if I ask the question, "is this going to help me heal?" this helps me.  This is why I personally want to know nothing of details, specifics of things my husband had done (emails, porn sites, phone calls, etc).  I know this will cause me more harm than good...
Journaling (something I have never done prior to 9 days ago), has been helpful.  I have written down some terrible things, just to get those terrible things out of my head. 
So, day 9 for me.  I rarely have dreams that I recall, and since this all began I have been having dreams about my husband...not something I expected.  One was him being picked up for a date by some very good looking gay man...WTF?  This stuff sooooo sucks!!!
 

     Thread Starter
 

June 9, 2018 9:27 am  #6


Re: forgiveness

For me it wasn't forgiveness as much as I accepting that what's past is past and life is too short to be looking backward unless there is something to be learned that will help with my future.

As you make decisions and have new experiences, as you get past the crisis stage and begin living purposefully, you will gain strength.  If you get to the point that you are happy with your new life - maybe even glad that he's gone - the anger and bitterness will pretty much have faded away.

It does take time so be gentle with yourself.

P.S. I would say that if you aren't divorced and haven't gotten your property settlement don't vent any anger directly at him. Living well is the best revenge.

 


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

June 9, 2018 12:25 pm  #7


Re: forgiveness

Thanks jk. Yes, I worry that I'm still bottling it up to a certain extent and that its not helping me move on. To everyone that sees me I look like I'm coping really well and they comment on that. "You must be really strong" etc. But I'm utterly exhausted and my eating is shot to hell. I sometimes feel that something is bubbling away deep down but I seem unable to let it out?
I've had years of swallowing resentment about other things- the time he spent at his job, his inability to talk about things and its become second nature I think.
I also run although not for a while-too tired and work is so busy. Have got a free pass to the gym to use so might do that soon.
 

Last edited by greyhound gal (June 9, 2018 12:26 pm)

 

June 9, 2018 5:01 pm  #8


Re: forgiveness

For a while there I was pounding out nightly nastygrams to him.  It felt really good.  I just couldn't keep it in and had to let him know every detail of my pain and what he'd done to me regardless if he cared or not.  
Then I had to put an end to it because the No Contact was more important.  I'd say it was worth it.


WTF
 

June 12, 2018 1:42 am  #9


Re: forgiveness

Have decided to wait until the house is in my name before I say anything. When that is done I can break off all contact and will do it then. Still not a word from his family either- how sad.

 

June 12, 2018 6:33 am  #10


Re: forgiveness

Greyhound Gal,
   That is my thinking exactly.  When I feel a desire to say what I want to say to him about the way he's acted and treated me, I tell myself to wait until the settlement and divorce are final, because I have seen my stbx's response to even the slightest pushback. 
  In the meantime, I write in a journal, I write letters to him (and to others), and I write lists ("I can't believe that..."; "Once you are no longer in my life, I promise I will..."; "What I've finally realized about [us, you, me, life, etc]...."; "Here's what I'll gain without you..."; "I won't miss..."). 
   What I think I would really like, however, is to lose the urge to tell him exactly what I think of him and his behavior and how it affected me, because 1) I don't want to give him the satisfaction of thinking he's "all that" (as part of the craziness of his embracing his "inner woman" he developed the delusion that when acting as if he were (a deplorably misogyinstic version of) a woman he was irresistible to me)  and 2) because I want to move past him and into the phase of my life in which he will be "someone I used to know."  I want to be out of the caring, the hurt, the anger, the grief.  When he disclosed his sexuality, which makes him desire himself while acting out his fantasy of a woman, and began acting in increasingly bizarre and narcissistic ways--gaslighting, projecting, minimizing, engaging in false equivalencies and DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim-offender), exhibiting narcissistic rage, he became someone I didn't recognize, a stranger, and that is how I want to relate to him in the future.  He's no longer the man I knew and loved.
  As far as I'm concerned, his autogynephilia doesn't require forgiveness--he can't help the way he's wired--and much of what puzzled and caused hurt to me during our marriage was a result of that (unrecognized or unacknowledged) sexuality. But what he said and did, and the way he acted when he was "exploring" his suspicions about himself, as well as when and after he disclosed to me his desire to desire himself as a woman but to stay in and protect his closet?  It was and is despicable and deplorable, characterized by a cold sense of entitlement and utterly without empathy for me and the position into which he'd put me and the expectations he was putting on me.  I feel no obligation or desire or need to *forgive* that.  I may come to *understand* it as a phase in his coming out and into his sexuality, but until I get an apology--and I'm not holding my breath on that one!--I see no reason or need to engage in unilateral forgiveness. 
    I am saving my forgiveness for myself--for all the ways I thought the difficulties in our marriage were my fault and tormented myself for my shortcomings over the years, up to and including after his disclosure, when I twisted myself into a contortionist to try to become the wife of an autogynephile who for his part believed I owed all my efforts to conforn to the new reality he was dictating to me because in his mind what he wanted should be what was, no consideration for me, my feelings, and my sexuality (all the while I, for my part, was twisting myself into knots thinking about him, what he needed, how I could help him, what my obligations were, etc). 
    I hope to move past it all--maybe that's a form of forgiveness--but I'll never forget it; nor should I, because I don't ever want to put myself in the way of such treatment and such an attitude again. 
  I spent three years in agony after his disclosure before I said "enough" and moved out; now I want to live free from his disorder(s), and the best way to do that is to leave him and his disorder behind, and to treat him, when I am forced to see him (at future events with our son or at work), with the detached politeness I'd show a stranger.  Because that's what he became and what he is to me now.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (June 12, 2018 10:49 am)

 

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