I hate to say it but I think that there is this generalisation that can be made - straight spouses end up feeling angry.

Of course we do, we are being treated really badly even if it is underhand it still affects us emotionally.

And even after we separate they don't stop with that underhanded emotional abuse.  

Not much we can do about it.  Just turn around and heal with time.  Nothing helps more than relating to another straight.

all the best everyone, Lily

Both.  Speaking personally it is now a long time since I had sex so I can't talk, but I have imagined what it's like with the man I fell in love with a lot.  And I can attest that talking with other straight spouses is a massive corroboration for your own experience.  

It is a huge big deal and we all face it going on our own trail, but here is a scene from my marriage - I am a young woman, walking up the stairs that lead to our bedroom.  My husband is standing at the bottom looking up and I start to sway my hips and almost immediately stop as I can sense his disapproval. 

At the time what I experienced was a little drop in spirits, and I didn't really think about at all other than to register not to sway my hips it was a turn off for him.  

Subsequently I have thought about it and I have thought about what it was like for him.  His instinctive response is disapproval because my swaying bottom is competition to his.  It's his house.  He wants to attract the penis round here.

Relating to a straight man you get the message that to sway your hips is a turn on just as your instincts said it was.

Relating to a closet gay man as a husband is to be learning I must not sway my hips if I want to make my man happy.  That's the opposite of reality and looking back I can see an insistent pervasive repression of my sexuality.  no wonder I felt miserable.  no wonder I ended up feeling angry.  

no wonder I felt sick.

you will get through this Jacki.  bit by bit, there are good times ahead, promise.

 

Last edited by lily (June 7, 2018 4:43 pm)

My husband also did not like me or any woman to look or act sexy. I thought for many years that once we'd had our children he expected me to become like a statue of the Blessed Virgin in church and lay flowers at my feet on special occasions. There was no physical contact or interaction.between us except about  the children and the house.

My ex has a significant other but he does not totally grasp that our relationship has changed even though we are divorced. He will get chit-chatting with me when his s.o. is around and I am more concerned about the s.o.'s feelings than he is so I try to pull him into the conversation or get out of it myself.

I have my ex and him over to my house when our children are visiting and I still attend his family's events. I don't tell him much about my life and am careful not to share with our children anything that I would not want him to know. He says he still values my opinion so he bounces things off me, If true, it is one-sided because I do not seek his opinion or approval.

I think it is narcissism that he can't see that his monologues to me could be hurtful, confusing and/or rude to his significant other.  I just go into my gracious hostess mode. Let his s.o. figure him out. 

 

Jacki - My husband has never come out, and it has been years and years since we split up, and yes, you can be seen as "the bad guy" by some in these situations.  I have two daughters that were of similar ages to yours when the divorce happened, and they were quite sympathetic to him, and had been convinced by him that I was all sorts of things: "hypercritical", always had to have my way, "unappreciative", etc.  He wanted to leave because he was having an affair with another man and wanted to move in with him.  He convinced our daughters that he moved in with the other man because I was so horrible he could not tolerate living with me in our house anymore.

My children have remained sympathetic to him.  I have told one of them the real reason he moved out, but have never heard a word from her about how she might feel about him being gay.  The other one, I have not told, because she does not speak to me at all.  I don't know if either or both of them know/accept that he is gay or whether he has told them or whatever.  Both of my daughters became angrier and angrier with me after the divorce - to the point where I have no contact with one, and very minimal, infrequent, email only contact with the other.

Jacki, I think there might be something unique about daughters in these situations.  They have been betrayed by the lie, as daughters, just like we as wives, were betrayed by the lies.  Just as we discovered and dealt with the situation in our own time and way, I think the daughters do too, but we are not necessarily all on the same time schedule.  A wife or child may know about the gay spouse, but other children or family members might not have figured it out, or been told, or don't believe it, etc.  Then when the spouse and/or children who are aware and accept the fact that the one parent is gay, there can be disharmony with the others.  Daughters are attached to and need their fathers in ways that are not completely dissimilar to the way a wife needs her husband, and I think there is some natural competition for the father between mothers and daughters (I'm not talking about sick perverted stuff here, but normal relationships), and that seems to play into things.  My daughters would go to the house where their father was living and try to "fix it up" for him because they thought he knew nothing about furniture arrangement, etc.  They were also concerned about what he was eating, wearing, etc.  They did not seem to be aware that the man he was living with was his lover.  They referred to the home as a "bachelor pad" and seemed to think their father was exiled in some way due to my uncontrollable terribleness and they wanted to help and protect him.  Years and years later, he seems to have remained a saint while I continue to be the sinner.

Hang in there Jacki.  Like Lily says, it does get better bit by bit with time, but there will be lasting damage for sure.  What yours will be is unknowable at this point, but you will also go on to have some real highlights in life.
W

Very sorry about your situation and wishing you nothing but the best.