I do believe it helps to know the truth of the matter when it comes to healing, but it does seem to me you have an accurate picture - I was starved of affection and support for a long time too.  And right now I think you need to focus on your future.

Can I suggest you talk to a lawyer as well as a doctor.  

I always thought my ex was a good man but the realities were so different, not just emotionally but in every way.  One thing I discovered was that before I knew he was gay, before I had any conception of divorce he was already preparing for it with a secret bank account he had been siphoning money into for years.

I think it's amazing you've taken the space you need so strongly.  well done.  That will really help.  I retired into my studio which was a separate building and I put my bed in there, it was like my HQ and I could rest on my bed and my plan was simply just to do one thing a day.  it took 18 months but now I am divorced and have my own house.

wishing you the best of luck, and sending you a hug.

It really does get a little better Jacki, the pain becomes less sharp over time.  Yes, this is a living nightmare and it does take a while to even process it.  I'm 5 months in and IDK, I don't miss him so much exactly, it's the trauma of it all and the loneliness that still hurts.  After so many years it's very strange being alone. 

You'll NEVER get the whole truth out of him but I think knowing some of the truth definitely helps you to heal.  

 

 

Last edited by Kathyd (June 5, 2018 5:12 pm)

Thank you everyone for all the support and encouragement.  Today is my day 7 and first morning waking up alone (I asked my husband to move out and he left yesterday).  I am feeling so sad and hurt, over the anger.  Not sure if it is because it is so new or because I haven't seen, searched for "stuff"~for which I am grateful.  Will I get to more anger later?  Will things be revealed that lead me to anger?  There are so many unanswered questions.  4 years ago I was ready to divorce my husband due to his addiction and lack of intimacy and openness in our marriage (as much about communication as physical intimacy).  He went into treatment, got clean, works a 12-step program and I also went into recovery for myself.  I have worked hard thru this, on myself.  But why didn't he walk away 4 years ago, when I was ready?  How do you go thru treatment and work the 12 steps and still keep this deep dark secret?  A year and a half ago we went thru a "guided separation" and he moved out for 3 months.  Why didn't he leave then, again when I was ready?  It doesn't add up in my mind.  Is it cowardice?  
I do love this man that I have spent the past 30 years of my life with.  That I have searched and searched for ways to fix our marriage, tried multiple marriage counselors, neurofeedback, so many opportunities for this man to let me go and let himself out.  I don't have the experience of some~to my knowledge, he hasn't been unfaithful with another person.  I REALIZE THIS COULD STILL COME TO BE KNOWN, but for right now, I have no reason to think this.  Instead, I believe he has been a tortured soul his whole life.  He is a victim of this as am I.  And again, I do not forgive (yet, I hope) his cowardice, his selfishness, his LYING...but...my heart aches, my stomach aches, I am so scared about what is to come.
Oh, I did get tested for STD's on day 5.  I told him and he said I didn't need to.  I said, well I don't believe you, I don't trust you.  

jacki wrote:

Will I get to more anger later?  Will things be revealed that lead me to anger?   But why didn't he walk away 4 years ago, when I was ready?  How do you go thru treatment and work the 12 steps and still keep this deep dark secret?  A year and a half ago we went thru a "guided separation" and he moved out for 3 months.  Why didn't he leave then, again when I was ready?  It doesn't add up in my mind.  Is it cowardice?  

Yes you will get more angry.  The anger is part of the healing process and it is very normal.  They say there are many stages that we all go through, but I think most of would tell you that it's not linear like the articles suggest.  You might visit the anger stage a few times.  Sometimes it will be learning new things that triggers the anger, other times it's just part of healing some of the wounds. 

Remember that everything in his world is all about him.  When you start to comprehend that level of selfishness you will better understand their choices.  We practice "sacrificial love" where we put our spouse first.. that's how we demonstrate our love.  They pretend to love us as long as it's secondary to their true desire of putting themselves first and keeping their secret. 
He didn't walk away because he was still hiding that secret.  Like most gay in denial people, he didn't want to accept his sexuality and doesn't want the world to label him or view him in that way.  So his desire is to stay hidden from the world and experiment and explore his sexuality in private.  In most cases it seems that men will cheat over and over and get satisfaction from the physical act, but usually stay in their marriage.  If your husband truly hasn't experimented yet, he would likely do that in the future. 


I'm 23 months post disclosure.  I had fears through most of my marriage and asked the question a few times over the years but got emphatic reassurances that she was not lesbian and loved me completely and would never leave me, etc..  I chose to stick my head in the and and believe what I was told because it hurt too much to consider the other option.  I would be doing the same today if she hadn't fallen for someone else and left me.