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June 4, 2018 8:39 am  #1


help

May 31 my world seemed to instantly crumble~i use that word because if feels like a slow destruction,  My husband of 25 years finally came out as a gay man.  This is of course after a lifetime of "what's going on here" in my head.  We had just returned form a 10 day trip in Tahiti to celebrate or 25 years!!!  I shared that had resentments because we had just spent 10 days in Tahiti and my husband didn't touch me.  That was Saturday and by the following Thursday, after finding him watching same sex porn, he told me the truth.  Now what?  He says he feels he can breathe now.  He says he feels peaceful now.  I feel like I could lay down and never get up again.  I am pissed, I am hurt, I am scared, I am replaying a million scenes in my mind from the past 30 years of our relationship. I love this man deeply, otherwise I would have been long gone~our marriage has never been good.  He is a good man though, a good father to our 3 daughters, he has a good heart.   How do I hate him?  How do I love him?  He is still here in our home and I feel I am now dying a slow death.  Sometimes I cant breathe and it hurts me that what is so painful to me feels so good to him.  That's not fair.  We have made it through so much in our lives together: eating disorder of one daughter, suicide attempts by the same daughter, addiction in the family.  All we have overcome.  This I cannot and I am heartbroken and that word doesn't even match what i feel.  Devastated doesn't either.  I feel like vomiting, all day, everyday.  I can't eat, can't sleep.  Please, if there is anyone that can share how they got through this~I know I just will have to walk through it, but it hurts like nothing has hurt.

 

June 4, 2018 9:06 am  #2


Re: help

I just read some replies to someone after day 6 of the moment of truth...
My thoughts, my worries, are that my husband may be pursuing what gay me seek~other gay men, sex, etc. while still sleeping in our bed at night.  Boundaries~what when and how?  He says he has never been with a man.  That was May 31.  Today is June 4 and I don't know if it was true then and I don't know if it is still true.  I had thought of this before reading ab the "gay adolescence"  My situation also includes my husband not working right now.  Instead he looks like a million bucks as he has been going to the gym and tanning (Tahiti vacation ).  Being that he doesn't work, he has lots of time on his hands.  So I am working and suffering from this horrific experience and he is tanning and going to the gym...part of me wants him out of our home and part of my wants him to hold me forever.  

     Thread Starter
 

June 4, 2018 10:02 am  #3


Re: help

Firstly welcome, although I'm sad you find yourself here. There are loads of us here who will support you so keep posting. I remember well the first few days and the utter shock of it all. Can I ask why he is not working? I'm worried for you-he has so much time on his hands. My first instinct is that-if he has the tan and has been working out then he is already planning to be unfaithful, if he hasn't been already.
One thing I have learned (the hard way I may add), is that they have always done more than you think. My husband only claimed to have looked at porn but it was way much worse than that. They feed you small bits of info a bit at a time. So ask questions and be prepared for more shocks, sorry.
You will have to decide whether you can live with a man who wants to sleep with other men. A man who doesn't desire you. It will crush your self esteem as it did mine. I couldn't. We separated 2 months ago after sleeping in separate rooms for months.
They are also incredibly selfish and put their needs above everything else. So you need to put yourself first. 
We also had our share of family traumas and had come through it so, yes, it feels like a slap in the face.
I was married 27 years and had never lived on my own till 2 months ago but I wouldn't go back. 
Hope some f this helps. Others will be along soon to advise you too.
Keep posting xx

 

June 4, 2018 11:48 am  #4


Re: help

Hi,

yes we do understand the pain.  Really we do.  It's about 6 years ago for me now.  I have been living alone for 4 and a half years, divorced all done and dusted.  

right at the beginning I had long showers.  very long showers.  one day I was standing on the verandah drying off in the sun and went for the railing because I felt like I was going to vomit and my world teetered for a moment and then instead of vomiting I started crying.  That felt just that little bit better and I knew one day I would be okay.  You will be too.

sorry to say but I think you need to consider your health as the priority right now and one aspect of that is contracting an std.  You are at the start of a journey of discovery.  The man you are so intimate with has been keeping such a big secret hasn't he.  The implications of that are likely to slowly sink in now over a period of time, as you continue seeing him without the 'rose-coloured glasses'.  So it's a big shock to a traumatic degree and it will continue to roll for some time and you need to care for yourself and my suggestion is to make a space where it is just you and you can think and reflect on what you are learning in the comfort of your own thoughts.  

Look after yourself - give your kindness and generosity of spirit to yourself first for a while.  

 

June 4, 2018 2:09 pm  #5


Re: help

Jacky ..at the beginning of 2017 my partner of 32 years told me, by email, that he'd been dressing in my underwear and stockings, watching gay porn and expressed a desire to satisfy his bisexual fantasies. 

"maybe even be fucked by a guy"....his words

We are still together....I no longer trust him, my life will never be the same....and this is like a bandaid that I can either yank off in one go......ie; force myself to face this & move on, or pull it off slowly. 
At this time, at 60 years of age....with all my eggs in one basket, no children at home, and still confronting what's happened, what may happen to the r'ship with a man I thought was the one I'd be with forever......I'm not ready yet to give up.
It's a horrible place I've found myself in. I decided to tell somebody else, a counselor I saw, then I told my adult children what had happened. Then my sister. But while I'm not hiding in his closet....my partner still is. And although he no longer watches porn, shaves his genitals, wears my stockings.....I know it's not over...

Some women can leave, make a definitive break....some take years to do it.  If I ever decide to leave I want to be sure 100% that I'll never return
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

June 4, 2018 4:09 pm  #6


Re: help

Welcome Jacki. 

I'm so sorry you are going through this awful experience.  There is no pain quite like the realization that the most important person in your life is a fraud and has been lying to you.  All of the emotions and feelings you are experience are real and they are valid.   We can all relate as we have been there or are still there.  So hopefully we can help you get through this. 

Since you've read the 6 days since thread you'll recognize that I repeat similar advice to most new members.  They are lessons learned through my own life and the countless stories and offers of advice and compassion I've heard here on this forum. 

Step 1 - Make your health your priority.  The emotional trauma you are going through manifests itself physically.  The symptoms of lack of sleep, lack of appetite, anxiety, depression, etc..  are real and they are dangerous to your health.  I strongly recommend going to visit a Dr to talk about ways to handle those side effects so that you can function as well as possible physically.  This situation is hard enough to survive on it's own.. but when you add sleeplessness, weakness from lack of eating and anxiety attacks you could literally wind up in the hospital.  Also, though you will hate to hear this, please get tested for STD's.  Way too many people here found out later that their spouse was already cheating on them. 

2.)  Don't feel ashamed or embarrassed.  This isn't your fault.  You couldn't and shouldn't have known because a gay in denial person is the most professional liar in the world  They literally devote their entire life to hiding their identity and they are very good at it.  You weren't equipped and you weren't even looking for this lie.  I say this because I see too many of us suffer in silence because we are ashamed of ourselves and we don't want people to think less of us.  So we lock ourselves in a closet of our own.  Find friends and family to help you get through this.  You don't owe your spouse any secrets if it hurts you more in the process or delays your healing. 

3.)  Build a support network to help you through this.   Today is your rainy day.  You have people who care about you.. people you have loved and helped in the past.  Time to call on those people.  You don't "out" your husband in a malicious manner, but you are free to tell your story and ask for their support.   We are here for you.  The SSN has local groups in most major cities that you can meet with as well.  Reach out for help to get you through this hard time. 

4.)  Give yourself lots of time.  You are already starting to think about staying vs. leaving and how you will live your life either way.  I would encourage you to give that some time.  You don't have to make up your mind today or this week or even this month.  Wait for the earthquake to stop shaking the world around you.  Get your feet underneath you, get past the trauma stage, then start considering what your future holds.  We can help you with many of those decisions when the time comes.  For now, try to push back any stress in your life as much as you can. 

5.)  Consider taking some time off work.  I know you just got back from a long vacation.. but you might be able to go on short or long term disability and give yourself some time to get through the worst of this.  I took three weeks off from work.. and probably should have taken a few months.  My work suffered and it put me behind on the career path that I desired.   Some people actually appreciate having a place to go.. so if that's you.. then by all means continue with your job.   But just be aware that you might have some options. 

6.)  Set boundaries for honesty and transparency and conditions regarding your living situation with your spouse.  He is not allowed to have any contact with other gay men.  Nobody comes into your home while you are gone.  No gay porn.  You chose if you want him in your bedroom or on the couch.  Access to his computer and cell phone?  You get to set the rules now for a while.  You'll find out how much he has to hide and how willing he is to help you through this pretty fast. 

7.)  Keep posting here.  Share your thoughts and feelings and let us help you with compassion and advice as much as we can. 

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

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