Optimistic wrote:

....... Can we do this or is there more hurt coming that will make this too difficult? 

You're at the beginning of what may be a very difficult, and at times confusing and painful journey. Take time to read the stories & advice of those who walk the same path. 

There won't be a journey that's exactly the same, but there will be helpful advice and compassion 
from others with similar experience. You're in the right place

Hello Optmistic.   Welcome to our group.  I'm so sorry you are feeling this pain and trauma in your life.  It's very hard to learn that your spouse is not what you thought.  

When I was a week from disclosure I felt the same thing.  I loved my wife deeply and wanted to maintain my marriage and life as I knew it.  I would have walked on fire (or legos) to keep my wife even though I knew it would never be the same.  A month later she filed for divorce and I found out she was leaving me for another married woman who she had already fallen in love with.  So the decision was made by her.  I still begged and pleaded for a couple of months but she was already mentally gone.  

Optimistic wrote:

Can we do this or is there more hurt coming that will make this too difficult? 

You ask if it can work.  Yes, it can work.  But it's a big challenge.  You both need to have very clear and open lines of communication, which is hard considering you've just found out that she's lied to you for 18+ years about who she is.   But if you are both committed to making it work and willing to clean the slate and figure things out, then yes, it can work.   

You will need to define the new normal for your relationship.  Since she has admitted she is attracted to women and not to men, you need to understand what that means in practice for her.  It likely means she wants to experience sexuality with women.  She needs to tell you if she intends to remain monogamous or not.  Then you need to figure out how you feel about her answer.  Are you ok with her sleeping with other people or do you require her to be faithful to you?  Are you willing to remain monogamous with only her?  Do you still have an expectation of having intimacy with her?  Do you both have an "open marriage" and find outside partners?  Do you invite a 3rd party into your bed?  Are you ok with any of this from a moral and religious perspective?     So these are the big questions you need to figure out.   If you can both reach a point where you agree on a solution and are happy with the commitment going forward, then you can make it work.   After that you need to set the smaller rules and boundaries and communication standards.  There are many people out there who have a mixed orientation marriage and make it work.  They may not share the same sexuality but they share a family and they share love and commitment to what they define as their marriage.  If you are both on the same page you can do it too. 

But don't try to solve these issues today.  It's going to take time.  You are still in trauma and shock.  You can start pondering these issues, but give yourself some time to adjust and get your feet underneath you again before you start to solve things.  One thing you will learn is that your emotions will change frequently and rapidly as you go through this.  The things you feel today will change, so allow for your intentions and priorities to change over time as well.  


Take care of yourself.  Watch your health.  Make sure you are getting enough sleep and eating healthy.  Don't abuse alcohol or drugs to drown your pain.  Keep an eye on anxiety and depression.  These are all very normal symptoms of the trauma we go through, so take care to monitor yourself.  Go see a Dr. if you think you need to. 

Keep sharing, talking, reading..   We can help you get through this. 

Optimistic wrote:

I told her that I do not mind that she is talking with someone but to meet with her right after I tell her to be careful with me? I cannot believe that she is going to do it. I think tomorrow will be the end to my perfect plan for us. 
I appreciate any suggestions or comments.

Optimistic, 

As jkpeace mentioned, there are trends we see very often in the stories of the new members who arrive in this place.  

One is selfishness.  A gay/lesbian spouse is one of the most selfish people in the world.  They hide their sexuality and use the other spouse.  A selfless person would care enough about the other person to admit who they are not drag that person into a life together.  You wife is being selfish right now.  She's started a massive earthquake in your life and rather than being there to help you keep your feet, she's shaking things up even more by seeing another person.  That is selfish of her. 

Another trend we see "gay adolescence".  When a LGBT person has bottled up their identity and desires for much of their life, when they finally give in and accept who they are.. they go through a phase of excitement where they want to enjoy everything they have missed to the fullest.  They put aside respect and responsibility and care for others and do what makes them feel good..  even if it hurts other people.    

A trend I see often is that lesbians married to str8 men often remain in the closet until they meet someone who pulls them out of the closet.  I suppose this can be true for gay men as well, but I think gay men tend to have sex simply for sex and not as part of relationship, whereas lesbian women are more likely to fall in love with another woman and have the sex accompany it.   The fact that your spouse has admitted feelings for another woman (a married woman no less) shows me that she may be following this trend.  While I hope it's not the case, I would warn you that her feelings for this woman are probably much deeper than she admits. 

Most of our spouses have done much more than they admit and they typically disclose only a little at a time to us.  Many of us guys are told that our wives are just now discovering that they might be "bisexual" because it makes them less guilty.  Only the truth is they have known since they were a young teen.  Many women discover their husband looking at gay porn, but they are not told of the gay hookups until they catch them later.  Many woman who catch their husband with a cell phone app for hookups are told they were just signed on for curiosity..  until they find out later that they have hooked up with dozens of men.  The theme here is that we get fed only small portions of the truth until we force it out or catch them in the act later.  If your wife has admitted being interested in someone and then you forced out a little more truth to learn that she is going to see her again, I would not be surprised if they have been mentally involved and likely physically involved for a while now.  I hope not for your sake because the pain of betrayal is VERY hard to take.  But I fear this already for you. 

My advice for you is to set some very clear boundaries with her to protect yourself and evaluate her willingness to work with you.  I would tell her straight away that while you might be willing to agree to an "open marriage" with different partners at some point, you are not ready for that yet and she is not allowed to see this other woman or anyone else until you are ready.. at least a few months to comprehend the new normal and get past this trauma stage you are in.  Her response to this will tell you pretty quickly where her priorities lie.  If she truly loves you and cares for you she will put off her desires for a little while longer.  If she loves herself more than you she will complain about this and find a way to talk you out of it.. or she will simply lie to you. 

Another rule I would set is complete transparency with cell phones and email accounts.  If she has something to hide from you she will never agree to this.  If she's hiding things from you then you will have a hard time establishing a level of trust you need to proceed. 

Sorry for all of this my friend.  Hope our advice is helpful to you.  Keep us informed and keep sharing your feelings and experiences and let us continue to offer our help.  We are here for you. 

 

How are you doing Optimistic?