Sweetie, you don't need to find the words to describe how you're feeling.  We've been there.  We already know.

Please don't try to solve any problems beyond the next 24 hours.

Looking back on my discovery day ... I keep thinking, what happened was like when you watch the movie "The Sixth Sense" and then see this surprise ending, so you go back and watch it again, knowing the spoiler, and realize it's a completely different movie than what you saw the first time.

I know that's a stupid comparison, but what happened to me was that over the course of the next month or so, after I'd discovered my husband's cheating, memories kept washing back over me, and just like with that film, I was now seeing a completely different marriage than the one I'd initially experienced.  This stuff happens over time, not overnight.  I would be in the middle of something completely innocuous, like emptying the dishwasher, and suddenly I'd recall a conversation we'd had twenty years earlier ... and I wouldn't have thought about it in twenty years, but the whole thing came back because now I'd "seen the spoiler".

This is a slow process.

Hi Jenn, 

You've come to the right place.  Good job for reaching out and trying to find some help and support.  

We all have been and are still going through what you are experiencing.  So we get it.  We totally understand.  We all have unique parts to our story, but at the core we are all survivors of a similar trauma.  Because we know how you feel we are uniquely qualified to help you.  We are here for you and we will do all we can to help you survive this. 

There are a number of common steps that we advise to new members, but as walkbymyself mentioned just above, you have your hands full just getting through today.  So let's focus on that and take it day by day.  

Let me offer you three bits of advice today..  Our group will give you limitless love and compassion and advice in the future, but for today, let's just keep it to a few points to start. 

1.) For those in their first few days, my best recommendation is to preserve your health, both mental and physical.  The emotional pain you are going through also comes with very real physical impacts.  It's trauma.. plain and simple.. and it can be dangerous.   Keep an eye on what your body is telling you.  Make sure you are eating enough to sustain you and getting enough sleep.  Keep an eye out for anxiety attacks, shortness of breath or other issues.  Watch for signs of depression.  These are all very normal results of this trauma.  They don't make you weak.  We typically recommend a Dr visit to be proactive in maintaining your health through this process.  

2.) All of the emotions you are feeling are valid and normal and healthy to express.  Except shame.  Too many of us feel embarrassed or ashamed or we blame ourselves for not knowing our spouse is gay.  Because of this we harm our recovery process by not reaching out to get support and not feeling like we are allowed to tell our story.  Do not blame yourself or feel embarrassed in any way.  Don't hide and suffer alone. 

3.)  Get support!  You are doing it already.. good for you!!!    Starting here is fantastic.  Reaching out to the SSN help line is awesome.  I also recommend you find a few people in your life to build a support network.  Do you have parents, family or best friends to confide in?  Today is your rainy day.  Hopefully there are people in your life you can call on to be there with you... to hug you and cry with you and be there for you.  Don't harm yourself by hiding in the shadows.. too many of us do that and we suffer much longer and much worse than we should have to. 


You have lots to figure out in the future..  we are here for you and will help you through it.   But for now just focus on getting through today.  

hugs to you!

We are all here for you and feel your pain. I am 8 months in and still taking each day at a time. Have you got a good friend you can talk to? Keep posting on here and we will get you through it.
Hugs xx

Thanks everyone.  Everything you've said really resonates with me right now.  It's almost worse, in a way, because I keep trying to convince myself we'll be that one couple that finds a way to happily stay together.

I'm just heartbroken.