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May 16, 2018 10:22 am  #1


Bamboozled

I was 3 years out of my loveless 10 year marriage when I met him online. It was September 2012, I was 36 he was 37. I felt okay about meeting him because he was a friend of a friend and I was able to verify he was legit. He lived by the beach and I lived by the mountains, about an hour away from each other. We met halfway. He was late and pulled up on a motorcycle. He was actually quite aloof which I found to be odd. I don't mean to sound conceited but generally men have always been very happy to see me, nervous, giddy. It was a bit refreshing to me in a weird way. NOW I know that was red flag #1. We had lunch with me doing most of the talking but I could tell he was cool. He was in great shape, surfed, skateboarded, snowboarded, mountain biked, was a drummer, environmentalist, liked to do things and party, he was funny and attractive. He also had A LOT of really cool friends. I was pretty and funny but not nearly as cool as him. After that first date, things moved quickly. He said all the right words and was very affectionate and loving. What I now know as red flag #2: despite the love and affection, it took us maybe 2 months to actually have sex. Maybe that doesn't sound very long but after that first date, we were very affectionate with each other and sex was looming very early on. There were a couple of failed attempts where he expressed extreme embarrassment and explained with the newness of our relationship and being nervous. (He was 6 months out of a 13 year relationship. They were never married and out of the 13 years, only lived together for a year and a half, that's red flag #3 btw). This was something I never experienced before so I was patient. He was very shaven, like everywhere, another thing I wasn't used to but dismissed. Eventually that aspect worked itself out. It was a little off though, I have to admit. It seemed like he really had to focus on what he was doing and it was more like a performance than a connection. I wrote that off with men and women having different needs. We established a serious relationship early but remained in separate households. Red flag #4, I can't really explain it but each time I met a family member I felt a "guilty" air about them. Like there was a secret. His dad actually said to me in my ear one time "thank you for loving my son" isn't that strange? I can't imagine saying that to one of my kid's significant others. But again I wrote it off with my ex being difficult, because HE WAS. I often wondered, why does he have so many friends? Why do they like him so much? He's not even nice and barely even speaks to them when they're around. My ex was generally discontent, my job was to make him happy and make sure everything around him was perfect, traffic, the weather and my family we're my toughest culprits but I never stopped trying. And I did a good job, we talked about things ALL the time, there was never a lack of communication between us. Since I had a young son that I was co-parenting, I was not able to move to the beach. In 2014 my ex decided he would try living with me by the mountains, it was where he grew up anyway. Oh! I should tell you this story. He's one of 3 boys, when he was 12, he caught his mom having an affair with his best friend's dad. He told his dad, they divorced and his mom and best friend's dad got married. This ensued tremendous anger in him and created a very strange, unhealthy relationship between him and his mom who has been dealing with a brain tumor for several years. So we moved in together and lived very close to his mom now. She became VERY involved. It was like she was picking up his slack. While the communication and affection were on point, there were certainly some more red flags that started flying around. He never wanted to help me, our lives did not blend when we moved in together. From groceries, to cleaning, to my kids, to errands, to anything... it was all very segregated. If he saw me struggling with something heavy, he'd notice and look away. If he saw me stressing over the amount of things I had to get done in a short period of time, he'd watch with a beer. He was not considerate with birthdays, holidays or anniversaries but spared no expense when it came to purchases for himself. He made more money than me but I paid more of the rent because of my kid's (that was okay) and we split all outings down the middle whether I was on my last dollar or not. He was terribly jealous of everything, I felt guilty for having conversations with my young son. Forget about social media, that was a nightmare. But of course he kept his accounts active. He was rude if my family came over, he was just miserable. I couldn't take it. At that point, his mom was gifting him a large sum of money, early inheritance. He wanted to invest in a house...of course by the beach, (and I never even thought anything of it before, but he picked the beach KNOWN for it's gay community. It's funny because I actually felt more comfortable with our situation because everyone that lived near him was gay. What an idiot) because he hated where we lived. I was happy to put that distance back between us and enjoy my kids again. We stayed together and even got married in our separate houses. The plan was to stay in this arrangement until my son graduated high school, which would be 5 years and then we'd reconvene in a house by the beach. It was fine for 2 and a half years but then I became overwhelmed, work was crazy, my mom moved in and trying to make extra time for my ex on the weekends was taking a toll. I couldn't do it anymore, I was married but had no partner to share the load, physically or financially. I should mention while we lived apart, we'd see each other on the weekends and I would be excited to be intimate, some weekends it didn't happen, sometimes two in a row and I thought what the heck was going on?? I NEVER suspected him of cheating, I always trusted him. After all, he held me to such high standards what kind of hypocrite would be living their life in any other way. I suspected porn. I felt like he took care of himself with that during the week and left nothing for me. I told him early on I do NOT approve of porn, call me prude but it feels cheaty to me and I feel like it warps sex. He blamed smoking too much pot and getting older for his low sex drive, I kinda believed him but would check his phone periodically when I had a chance. Never found much, once it was a regular porn subscription email that he said was old. Okay back to me being overloaded. He begged me to stay with him, I was ready to throw in the towel because living with him was miserable and without him was a pain too. He said he would be better, not so grouchy this time. He wanted to try, so I gave him another chance. He sold his house at the beach and in August of 2017 we bought this fixer upper by the mountains. So much work!!!! My ex and I both work from home. My dad built me a home office in the backyard from scratch and my ex had a kit shed put in for band practice. He bought a new mountain bike and a 22' skateboard ramp for the backyard. Every waking minute and penny has been put into this house since August. It's my dream house, 1895 Victorian farmhouse. A five minute walk from the historic downtown. Things are going GREAT, we're busy, productive and happy! I thought. The end of January, my ex goes mountain biking and injures his thumb. On 1/30, I take him in for minor surgery and will need to pick him up two hours later. He leaves me his phone and wallet and I head home to work. Hmm, this is good opportunity for a phone check, to ease any doubts. No doubt easing that day. I check the inbox do a "sex" search, nothing. Good. I check trash, nothing. Good. Then I decide to check "sents". 2 Craigslist casual encounters adds come up, WTF? Sent by my husband soliciting sex. Soliciting sex to transvestites! What!? My stomach dropped. But it's the photos that he attached that I can't unsee, that scarred my eyeballs. That fully shaven body that I remember from the beginning of our relationship. Bent in half, lower cheeks spread, who IS this?? "Would like to try mutual touching, sucking, etc. Usually "straight" huh??? These two emails I found along with the photos gave me a timeline of our whole relationship from the beginning all the way to this new house. One was sent a month before our wedding.so while I was deciding on wedding vows he was attaching the best photo to showcase his asshole. And the second was sent this last September at our new house. He was going to his river house without me fo a couple of days. He checked the Craigslist area that was on the way to the river. BARF. I couldn't breathe, I floated above myself and watched the sad scared person below me. How the fuck am I going to pick him up? I called his mom who lives close by. Mistake!! She was worse than me and I didn't even tell her any details only "cheated". I had to pick him up and figured it'd be best to confront him while he was drugged. He denies meeting anyone, being attracted to men. Too many years of porn led him down this path. He did admit to having a whole other email account I didn't know about, so it was a fluke I found those emails. He had a posting on Craigslist t4m, he says he's a narcissist and men are more complimentary of him. He's been online chatting since 2003. Upon my request he moved out on 3/1/18. I'm trying to keep the house on my own, fingers crossed. This whole thing has confused the shit out me. I feel so alone, I promised him I won't tell anyone. But I can't make sense of it. I've been so fixated on trying to find someone who has gone through the same situation: not gay, likes only talking to trannies. I found a lot of people here with the same situation and realized it's not his story I should be fixated on but the bigger picture and FACT that he's gay in denial. What a sham! This secret would have never been exposed had I not found those emails. I'd still be living the lie. I'm on the road to recovery and very anxious to join a support group soon! Thanks

Last edited by justwokeup (May 31, 2018 6:45 pm)

 

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