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May 14, 2018 10:11 pm  #1


The First Step, What's next?

I have been reading your posts for months, your stories are like mine, I discovered TGT after 40 years of marriage. I never saw it coming, by accident I discovered the gay porn, then anal sex toys, then medical records with hepatitis and STDs, no sex with me for years, then I confronted him. Then I got the half truths, then the typical "bicurious" comment then maybe "bisexual" then denying he ever said that. It became a mind "f--k" game. I started to question my own sanity, he would look me right in the face and deny, deny, deny. I wanted so badly to believe him, he could rationalize out of every piece of evidence I had. he then blamed me, "no communication". I realized for my own sanity I had to leave.

So I left, I rented an apartment, signed a year lease. The first step for me was to separate.  I am afraid, I am lonely, I am scared, I am heartbroken. But I am also strong, and realized I deserve better, I did not sign up for this: a GIDH, who wants to keep me in his closet. 

So am I the oldest one here? After 40 years of marriage, just discovering TGT? I have always been an independent, professional working mother and wife, how was I so scammed? What kind of a human being does this to a person, to someone he claims he loves! I have never known such pain, such betrayal.

So I took the first step, separation.....now I am searching for answers. What's the second step?



 

 

May 15, 2018 5:34 am  #2


Re: The First Step, What's next?

violated,

Welcome.   I would argue you should change your board name..  while you may feel that way its not who you are...we are so much more than what happened to us.    Yes, I was married for decades and then got hit by this.   Good for you for getting away from the hurt.   The second step I would say is no contact and small steps to move on.   It may mean financial closure in the form of divorce.  It may mean learning to be on your own after so many years.  Above all be
kind to yourself and don't waste all your time trying to figure out why or how your spouse was capable of 
all this...read on below...

Wondering89,
you wrote:
"..I could never cheat even when there was things missing or things I wanted or needed I just wouldn’t hurt anyone let alone my husband."

.. and that is the difference between us and them..we are incapable of what they did.. Thus,  we are not just getting away from  TGT... we are getting away from people that are capable of so much hurt...it's almost like they were raised with different morals, ethics and beliefs.    After all this time I can only conclude my  GX has a "broken moral core".   The betrayal, lies, and abuse were scary and diabolical.. Keyword "were".  We want to get far away from such in-authentic people.   We loved them but they are capable of so much hurt.   They are not normal.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

May 15, 2018 9:49 am  #3


Re: The First Step, What's next?

Violated wrote:

So am I the oldest one here? After 40 years of marriage, just discovering TGT? I have always been an independent, professional working mother and wife, how was I so scammed? What kind of a human being does this to a person, to someone he claims he loves! I have never known such pain, such betrayal.

So I took the first step, separation.....now I am searching for answers. What's the second step?
 

Welcome friend!

I'm so sorry you are here in our group.  You deserved better from the person you devoted your life to.  I'm so sorry for the pain he caused you.  

I'm not sure what your exact age is, but I can assure you there are many other members who had 30 to 40 or more years of marriage before finding out their spouse is not straight.  So you are in good company here.  Even if you were the oldest (which i doubt you are), the experience isn't so different at 40 years than it would be at 30 or even 10 years of marriage.  So you will find that the themes of our discussions are applicable regardless of your age. 

Please hear my words on this topic. Please don't allow yourself to feel embarrassed or ashamed of yourself. There are way too many of us who suffer in silence and hurt ourselves by being critical of our own decisions and lack of insight.   It's not your fault!!!   
You were scammed by a professional liar in an area that you never thought to investigate.  The most private and hidden and important secret a human being can have is a same-sex attraction.  Most with a SSA (Same Sex Attraction) realize they are different in their early teen years.  In a society that has historically be harsh toward gay or lesbian people, many of these people learn right away to hide that attraction.  It becomes an all-consuming desire.. the focus of their life.. to keep that secret and hide it.  They get really good at it.. they put 100% of themselves into creating a false identity to hide the secret.  They become complete and total professionals.  On top of all of this, we also have to remember that we weren't even looking for a secret in this area.  Nobody ever told us that it would even be possible that someone would want to marry us just to hide their sexuality.  It wasn't even on our radar.  When we fall in love with someone, we are programmed to see the best in them and to trust that they are really the person they show us.  That's how love works!     I hope you can understand what I'm saying and take it to heart.  Please don't feel bad about yourself for not knowing.  

The first step is the hardest by far.. and you've done it!   Congratulations!!!   I'm so proud of you.  It's so easy for us to just be paralyzed by fear and remain where we are.  The older we get, the harder it is to make a change.  But, you've done it.  Good for you!.  You've reclaimed your life and made a choice to live it on your terms and create a new life just as you desire it to be. 
The second step..   Heal.   This takes time.  The trauma you are experiencing is very real and the emotional pain also manifests itself in physical ways.  Take care of yourself.  We always recommend going to see a Dr.  Too often we find that our spouses cheated on us, so it would be wise to get tested.  Then work with the Dr. to evaluate your health.  If you aren't sleeping or eating or if you are suffering from depression you can discuss treatment options.  Next, we always recommend finding a therapist or councilor to work with.  Having a professional to help you start emotional healing is very important.  You need to understand and unpack your feelings and emotions so you can start recovering.  Next is to build a support network of friends and family to help you through this.  We are here for you, but only "virtually".  The SSN has face-to-face groups in most major cities so I would encourage you to reach out in that area.  Don't feel required to keep his secret and by doing so, harm yourself more.  You are allowed to tell your story and seek support from the people in your life.  Give yourself time and let the emotions flow naturally. You will go through stages and the healing is often a roller-coaster.  Don't set expectations for how you should be feeling at any given point in time.  Stick around and keep sharing as you go through these steps.  We will help you through all of it. 

Then the third step is to find yourself.  While you are healing from the trauma you will start to find your true self.  You will find that single person you once were.  You will start to realize how much of yourself you gave away to that marriage and now that you are free again you will rekindle old passions and hobbies and joys from your youth.  You can set up your apartment however you wish.  Decorate any way you want.  Plan your days and activities however you please.  Find new friends and social groups.  Take on new hobbies.  Travel and see the world.   You have a clean canvas and a fresh set of paints and brushes and now you get to decide how to paint the rest of your life.  You are going to paint your life in spectacular ways!

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

May 15, 2018 12:00 pm  #4


Re: The First Step, What's next?

Hi! Good to hear from you. I am newly separated after 27 years of marriage and know exactly how you feel. You have taken the first, most important step of removing yourself from the situation which is really brave. It is really scary too. I often feel completely adrift and at times very lonely but I wouldn't go back. That thought keeps me sane.
We come from a time, when being "out" was not an option for a lot of people. Social stigma, prejudice, fear of rejection from their families or even of violence made it very difficult. My husband was a Primary teacher for 34 years and being open about his sexuality would have meant not being able to do his job. As a result they become experts at hiding it, even to themselves. Or should I say especially to themselves. My husband took a long time to accept himself that he was gay, even when I told him! 
So, take your time. Find out the things that make you feel good and remember most of all that it is not your fault.
Hugs xx

 

May 15, 2018 2:25 pm  #5


Re: The First Step, What's next?

Thank you all for your kind and supportive responses. I was tested and no STDs or hepatitis. I spoke to a counselor for support and she suggested "coaching" when I was ready to discuss future options. I love my GIDH and always well. I always saw the good in him. But I seriously question if I can continue in a husband and wife relationship now, and looking back I felt we were more like roommates, best pals. I have no desire to be with him sexually now, after sitting on the sidelines for 10 years in a sexless marriage believing he had ED, when in truth he was not sexually aroused by me, or desired me. 

I do go thru this self pity stage...but I try not to focus on "poor me." At 64 years old, I don't have time for the bitterness, the anger....I was to push the automatic button and go thru those stages of grief, as fast as I can. I don't want him to have that power over me. 

At this point in my life, I don't want another relationship or another man, I want my Happiness back, I just want to be happy. Thanks for listening.

     Thread Starter
 

May 15, 2018 5:04 pm  #6


Re: The First Step, What's next?

You’re doing so well, you got away...keep on, baby steps...life is so much more peaceful when you get out and see it for what it’s meant to be.

 

May 15, 2018 6:59 pm  #7


Re: The First Step, What's next?

Wondering, I only discovered TGT 3 months ago. I have 3 adult children and I moved out 2 weeks ago. 

     Thread Starter
 

May 16, 2018 12:10 am  #8


Re: The First Step, What's next?

delete.

Last edited by Lynne (February 3, 2019 1:13 pm)

 

May 19, 2018 8:51 pm  #9


Re: The First Step, What's next?

Wondering, Thanks for checking n with me.  I just have this overwhelming sadness. Nothing is easy about this situation. Because I still do love him. But I feel I need to divorce the man I love. How weird is that? But I know the truth, he is a Gay Man in Denial. He will never desire me as a woman. I have been used, abused, betrayed. I am not valued in this relationship. When he cries, I know he loves the best he can , but I think he cries more for himself. If he loses me he loses his safety net. 

So I just keep as busy as I can, working and active with friends. I use distraction as a tool. I  still cry everyday, wakeup thinking it was a bad nightmare , then realizing w/i seconds it is my reality. I just want y happiness back. I want to be happy. 
 

     Thread Starter
 

May 20, 2018 4:04 pm  #10


Re: The First Step, What's next?

Dear Violated  - Your story brought me right back to the beginning and I have tears in my eyes reading it.  I'm 6 months into this and doing slightly better.  If your apartment has a pool or clubhouse you should get out and meet others there that are separated/divorced.  Easier said than done but that's what finally helped ry me.  I cried for 125 days and am no example of strength but have faith in yourself, I know you'll find strength.  You already have!  I'm still struggling to keep myself busy enough not to keep thinking about it and the NO CONTACT really, really works.  Just answering an email set me back today.  I'm so sorry for what you've found after so long.  Believe me, you will eventually feel a little better without him around, like I do now.  It helps to make yourself stop thinking about the past.  Try changing your thoughts as soon as they pop up.  Don't feel bad for crying as it's a necessary release.  Big hug to you.  We're all here for you.


WTF
 

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