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May 8, 2018 6:10 pm  #1


my story...less then a year after marriage

Like many of you I have struggled to find anyone who understands what I am going through. Unlike many of you I was married and divorced in less then a year. Here is my story:

I was 26 when I got married last May my ex wife was 24. We were together for 2 years prior to our marriage. Her twin sister is a lesbian and is married to a woman. Her family is accepting of this and never had an issue with it. No one saw it coming, not even her twin. Her family, friends, everyone was blindsided.....mostly me.  My ex-wife and I were officially divorced March of this year. She came to me after Thanksgiving and informed me she was in love with an older woman and she is a lesbian. This woman is 44 years old. She hungout with us, she was a friend. I even helped babysit her child. In that moment everything in my life came crashing down. I had just married this woman 5 months ago. How was this possible. I was in such a state of shock. I felt every emotion possible, one minute I was screaming and the next i was hugging her. It was the craziest thing I have ever been through. I gave her 48 hours to get out of the house. Just like that my marriage was over. One of the biggest hurdles I've faced in finding support is that i seem to be in a very unique situation. Most of my friends are single with the exception of 2 married couples. They are all in their mid 20's and absolutely cannot relate. The majority of people this has happened to were married 10-30 years in most cases. The support I hear from friends in family is "At least is happened now" Or "Ahh its not like you were married that long you'll be fine you're young"  I already know all of these things. I understand I am in a sense "lucky" it happened now. But how the hell can she claim she had no idea she was gay until she met this woman? How could she of had no feelings just 5 months ago? 

Im so confused and no one understands that just because I am young and our marriage was short does not make this a "blessing in disguise"

 

May 8, 2018 7:12 pm  #2


Re: my story...less then a year after marriage

yes that is unusual and yes you are lucky it happened now - and yes we get it - we know how crazy making it is and we know how badly it hurts whatever age you are is no difference.  and we know how little support there is out there.  It's all wrong, it's the way it is.  Your ex will get more support than you do and yet she is the one who did wrong.

There is a grand history of gay in denial in our species.  

Gay people often say straights don't understand what it's like for them and they are right what they don't get is they don't understand what it's like for us straights. 

just wanted to say hi.  it's okay, it will get better with a bit of time but right now you have a bit of a roller coaster in front of you - don't forget you have a good future in front of you and you will be a lot wiser than your mates who aren't understanding with you now.

all the best, lily


 

 

May 8, 2018 7:24 pm  #3


Re: my story...less then a year after marriage

We're all of us here empathetic to your situation....no matter your age. And I think you'll find those that say "it's a blessing in disguise..." or "...at least you're still young" don't actually know how to approach your reality, or know the right words to say. It cuts deep but all most people will have is a shallow plaster because they haven't realised how much it hurts. 
Yes you are young! Find a confidante. Somebody who will keep your confidence. A counselor, a good friend. You need to talk to somebody.

And keep talking in this forum


KIA KAHA                       
 

May 8, 2018 8:53 pm  #4


Re: my story...less then a year after marriage

It's far more likely she did know and thought she could fight it off with the right guy, some kids, a dog, house with a white picket fence, etc. Then she met "The One". It's also possible that her claim of not knowing is a way of assuaging any internal guilt she feels over this situation. In any case I highly doubt this came out of nowhere in the last five months. Sexual orientation develops much earlier than age 24.The sad reality is that when you hide something like this from a young age, you often become quite expert at it. Blindsided really is the correct term to use here and the shock is normal.

It's true that many people don't quite understand our situation. They mean well but it comes out all wrong. This is your life, you can't just take an eraser to parts of it. Allow yourself time to grieve, Reflect on what you want in life. Don't allow yourself to dwell too much on the past but use it to guide you forward in small steps. It's a roller coaster at first but it calms down. Other than parenthood, this is likely to become one of the largest personal growth periods in your life. You will make it. You did not cause this. You did not fail.

Hang in there and best wishes.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

May 9, 2018 5:56 am  #5


Re: my story...less then a year after marriage

I don't think the length of the marriage matters...  It takes a special type of person  (a horrible one)  to throw away years of friendship, trust and love..    Im  away from this now but ..I remember shaking for so long as my GX took my reality and everything I believed and made me doubt whether the sky was even blue.
    
Give yourself time to process the shock.. be kind to yourself.. you did nothing wrong.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

May 9, 2018 1:55 pm  #6


Re: my story...less then a year after marriage

I think if her own twin sister had already come out, she should have at a minimum stopped and given some thought to her own orientation.  So I'm not buying into the claim that she didn't know, or suspect, or consider the remote possibility.

I've been thinking a lot about how our cultural stereotypes have hurt us all on this forum, and the obvious stereotype that hurt me was that men want sex and women want love; the notion that women need love, but for women sex is just an annoyance so my husband must have been doing me a favor by not expecting me to put out all these years ... as long as he never fell in love with anyone else.  It denies me the right to have needs and longings of my own.  My husband cut off our physical intimacy and I had 24 years of love without sex, and he thinks the obvious solution is for me to go out and have sex without love, just like he did.

But the corollary to that is that men need sex and not love.  I think that's also not only false, but dangerously false.  

FL9102, I think a lot of people will brush you off like it's no harm no foul, on the assumption that real men don't feel love.  I've learned one thing from the men here: men actually do feel love, and our collective denial or discounting of that fact is bad for all  of us.

Last edited by walkbymyself (May 9, 2018 1:57 pm)

 

May 9, 2018 2:18 pm  #7


Re: my story...less then a year after marriage

Having this happen after one year of marriage would only be a blessing in comparison to having it happen 15 or 20 or 30 years later.   It's only a blessing by comparison to something that would have been worse.   It is DEFINITELY not a blessing!

FL - welcome to our group.  You are one of us and we understand how you feel and we support you fully.  What you went through is awful.  While you might not have invested as much time in your life in this relationship, you are losing it at the most painful time.  You are still in the honeymoon phase.. the first couple years in a marriage, when passions are still *supposed to be* hot and you are still in that puppy love time period.  Having your love snuffed out during the time it burns brightest would be very painful.  

As for her claims.. she is lying, both to you and probably to herself.  My ex was similar in this regard.  She tried not to be lesbian.  She didn't want to have a same sex attraction.  So she tried to bury it and be "normal".  She was selfish though because she knew something wasn't right.  She knew she didn't love me fully and completely, so for her to not be honest with me about her attraction was a horrible lie.  I feel your wife did the same to you.  

What happened to you was not a blessing.  But you (and all of us) can take what we learned from the experience and use it to find even more happiness in the future.  We can find future blessings because of what we went through. 

Let us know what else you are thinking about and how we can support you.  Stick around.. there are more and more younger people (under 40) who are going through this experience and we need some people who can better related to them.  


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

May 9, 2018 5:23 pm  #8


Re: my story...less then a year after marriage

People don't know what to say because it's shocking and in trying to be comforting they can say some pretty hurtful things. Any woman who has had a miscarriage or stillbirth has heard "You're young, you'll have other children" and comments which minimize the loss because the child never breathed. These people may be sincerely trying to make you feel better but if they'd ever been there they would know how painful these comments are.

Your grief is real and deserves to be acknowledged. Take the time you need to mourn. When you are in a straight marriage there is no good time for your spouse to be pursuing a same-sex attraction.


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

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