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May 8, 2018 8:33 am  #1


Brand new member needs help coping

I was very happily married.  I am still in love with my husband who is an amazing husband in alot of ways.
I am not ready to give up. Mostly because he doesn't make it easy for me to give up. He's either in denial about this lie he is living or really thinks he is doing nothing wrong. He is going forward with our relationship like it is never going to end. why?  If he wants this other life then why keep this one going and break my heart.
And if he wants his wife and family why can't he just give up this other life. Why is it more important than us.
I knew early on that he had a cross dressing fettish. He did not know that I knew. I basically fell on it because we were living together and I stumbled into things completely by accident. Of course once I knew this I had to further investigate how far it went and what it meant.
Basically this is something he had been doing since he was 13 and I saw nothing that would make me believe it was any more than that. Just a fettish that he would pursue now and again while watching shemale porn.  No not an ideal situation. But I chalked it up to "everybody's got something"  and didn't want to lose my knight and shining armor because he wasn't perfect.
Fast forward 5 years later. He is on gay websites actively seeking men for sex.
I dont even know how to begin to live without him and get my life together.
I have completely fallen apart. I loved life and was extremely outgoing. I am miserble. Don't even want to get out of bed. I gained weight. I completely lost who I am. I went from being a strong confident woman to an insecure wishy washy mouse. Yuk. I hate myself.
I have an 11 year old daughter to whom he is an amazing step dad to.
They have a great relationship. And my daughter adores him and clearly us leaving is not an option to her.
To all you strong women and men out there who have been going through this. Tell me ?  Tell me where do I start?

Last edited by Hurtingwife (May 8, 2018 8:36 am)

 

May 8, 2018 10:26 am  #2


Re: Brand new member needs help coping

  I am sorry you need to be here.  I know this feels like the bottom has dropped out of your world.  You are in shock--and this is why you are not able to function. 
  You have already started, by coming here, telling your story, and finding a community of those of us who have been through it (or are still going through it).
   There are a lot of things you can do for yourself: first and foremost, as he is having sex with men, get tested for STDs and practice safe sex with him; second, it would be extremely helpful for you to get away from him or get him out of the house even for a short period of time, because you need some breathing room, an opportunity to process your thoughts without his presence.  You can also do these things: practice self care (including by working with a therapist trained in trauma--don't get a "gender specialist," who may pressure you to believe it is your job to support your husband's cross dressing and transgender trolling for sex with men); educate yourself on autogynephilia, because from what you describe--cross dressing for the first time at adolescence, watching shemale porn, even seeking men for sex (to validate his sense of himself as a woman if he's cross dressed)--your husband fits the profile; go to a lawyer to find out what your rights are under the law should you decide at some future time to divorce (don't feel as if getting this information obligates you; approach this as "getting information in case"); watch your bank accounts closely, because he can spend a lot of money on this habit/fetish.   
   Part of educating yourself is also to understand that our reactions to discovery/disclosure follow a pattern: initial shock; disbelief; a desire to salvage the marriage by our own actions, which provides us with the illusion of control; trying to understand his perspective (an attempt to put yourself in his shoes--and wondering why he can't do the same for you); trying to understand how and why he acquired it (delving into his past and his family of origin issues); countering any thought that you CAN leave (like saying your daughter would not want to leave).  Eventually you will work your way past these, but it's important to understand these early responses, because you can get wrapped up in them--for years even!--and knowing that you are following a pattern of response may give you the perspective you need to get through it faster.  Realize first and foremost that your husband has been living in the closet for a long time, and the preservation of that closet will be his primary goal.  He wants to stay married to protect that closet.  He will sacrifice you for it; this is why he "goes forward" even though he knows it "breaks [your] heart."  Be prepared for him to act in an utterly selfish way and be utterly narcissistic about his demands.  You are of use to him; you are not his primary interest.
    To take the shock out of the discovery he's seeking sex with men, stop and ask yourself what your response would be if you discovered he has a history of seeking sex with female prostitutes.  Would you seek to stay with a man who had betrayed you and put your health in danger?    Would you want your daughter around him?
   Because your daughter is on the cusp of adolescence you need to know that he is likely tol find that developmental state fascinating; I'm not saying he will seek to cross sexual boundaries with your daughter, but he will be inordinately interested in everything to do with her development into a woman, and it may prompt a quickening of his own interests and an escalation in his behavior in acting and dressing as a woman.  
  He can't give it up because it is his sexual orientation; autogynephilia is a sexuat targeting error in which the heterosexual object of attraction is located inside the self--the woman he dresses up as.  Such men are also "capable to a limited degree" (here I'm quoting Bailey) of being attracted to actually existing women--in this case, you.  But you are competing for his sexual interest with the woman he imagines himself to be when he is dressing up.  The pull waxes and wanes, but it never goes away, and it often escalates.
 Here are some links/citations for you to pursue:
First and foremost, look online for and download a copy of the book by the psychologist Michael Bailey, called "The Man Who Would Be Queen."  It has a very clear description of autogynephilia.  Look up the work of the transwoman and psychologist Anne Lawrence, who describes such men as "Men Trapped in Men's Bodies."  Read the memoir by Christine Benevenuto, "Sex Changes," which is about her husband becoming a transwoman.  Look up the blog "Diary of a Transwidow," which has good account of the author's experience when her husband decided he was transgender.  There are several websites maintained by transwomen or detransitioned men (men who formerly lived as women) with eye-opening perspectives: one is "autogynephiliatruth"; on that site one of the pages has links to referred articles: (https://autogynephiliatruth.wordpress.com/2015/08/02/library-page-of-pdf-articles-about-gender-identity-fakeness-and-autogynephilia-reality/)  This site also has a downloadable link to "The Man Who Would Be Queen." 

I know this is a lot to take in.  Breathe.  Take it slow.  We're here. 
  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (May 8, 2018 11:02 am)

 

May 8, 2018 1:15 pm  #3


Re: Brand new member needs help coping

delete   

Last edited by Lynne (February 3, 2019 1:48 pm)

 

May 8, 2018 1:25 pm  #4


Re: Brand new member needs help coping

Deleted

Last edited by Duped (August 26, 2019 2:41 pm)

 

May 8, 2018 3:24 pm  #5


Re: Brand new member needs help coping

.There are not many places a man or woman going through this particular situation can access to get the support and advice needed to move forward. Everyone here...in some form, at some level....knows what you are going through.

When a spouse still holds tight to the love/history/relationship with the person in their life....it's more difficult to see things clearly than if your mind is made up by the things you've found, have seen, have been told....and you've decided you can no longer stay in a r'ship with your spouse. 

The most important thing....is keeping yourself safe. And realise that you're probably not being told the whole truth, of where exactly your husband is in regards his life and thoughts. Our love and trust in our men is often taken for granted so much that liberties are taken, secrets are kept, lies are told....and they dig themselves a hole they can't easily climb out of. They may even try to convince us it's all a fantasy, sweep it under the rug and tell us to forget it and move on. 

Your life will never be the same again. And it's you who must be strong, because your man is not. 
Keep posting, talking, asking questions here. There are other men and women still trying to hold 
their marriages/r'ships together. Not every situation is irreparable, not every spouse is a lost cause....
but it will take time to understand exactly what you need to work on.

First things first. Be tested for STDs. And find somebody to confide in. A doctor, a good friend, a relative. 
You should not do this alone
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

May 8, 2018 6:19 pm  #6


Re: Brand new member needs help coping

Thank you out of his closet.

Wow. Thank you so much for taking the
Time to turn the lights on for me. Everything you just said is everything I didnt want to hear but had to.
Thank you  I don't feel so alone anymore.
Xoxo

Last edited by Hurtingwife (May 8, 2018 6:21 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

May 8, 2018 7:51 pm  #7


Re: Brand new member needs help coping

Thank you to all of you for listening and hearing me..
Thank you for understanding what I'm going through when I'm not quite sure what it is.
Im starting to get angry.  Angry at him for hurting his family and wrecking our world for his own self gain. And what is it that he is really gaining. Does he really want this life style. If he did then how dare him steal my chance for true love to cover up his cowardly lie.
Hurting wife.

Last edited by Hurtingwife (May 8, 2018 7:53 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

May 8, 2018 8:36 pm  #8


Re: Brand new member needs help coping

I feel your pain, I recently discovered TGT, too.  Stay connected on SSN , you will get a lot of support here. You are still in shock, this is a long process, a roller coaster of emotions, crying to anger to resentment. So many unanswered questions.  Do your best to take care of yourself, establish a support system.

We are here for you.

 

May 8, 2018 11:51 pm  #9


Re: Brand new member needs help coping

OMG.  The shock is so awful.  Its the worst part, believe me.  Fjirst find a therapist!  I checked into the hospital and it was a good start for me,  but your daughter is 11 and I'm not sure you're able to do that.  My body shook for weeks.   My sister and my friend were godsends to help my brain process it all.  I kept a journal.  I didn't think I'd ever stop crying and it was HELL. I was prescribed an antidepressant and Ativan which also helped me.  I'm so sorry you have been  put through this nightmare too.  To be so blindsided when you think you've go a great marriage is just like being hit by a bus. The anger-so intense you could just scream bloody murder.  I snapped all of his fishing poles, cut up all of his fancy shirts, threw them in a bag and poured a bag flour all over them.  And then I'd cry to him at night on the phone and beg him to come home.  I'd call him crying in pain almost every night for two weeks.  I hated myself for it.  I felt like a complete waste of human life and just wanted to curl up and die.  I was in bed for 2 months.

I never thought I'd EVER be saying this but...trust me it does get better.  I didn't believe it ever would but by following this site and taking the advice of the great people on here it eventually will get better for you.  Reading here is what made me turn the corner into being stronger and more able to deal with things.  It took me 4 months to be able to feel this way but it's beginning to happen.  I haven't cried in almost two weeks and in the beginning I thought I was going to be blinded from crying so much and it hurt my eye sockets!  Way too many tears.  But crying is like washing your hands with soap.  The tears help to wash away the pain in your heart and soul.  E-Hugs to you and your daughter.
 

Last edited by Kathyd (May 9, 2018 12:04 am)


WTF
 

May 9, 2018 5:28 am  #10


Re: Brand new member needs help coping

Wow Kathy D you have been through hell and back .But your on our way back ad that is what matters. 
I know the mixed emotion part. I love him ~I hate him  I want to punch him~ I want to hug him.
He is still here. He isn't admitting it.  What I need to do is get my act together and come up with plan b so I don't completely fall apart.
I am on medication in general. But in going to my doctor.  Time for  a change.
Thank you

     Thread Starter
 

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