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May 3, 2018 1:17 pm  #1


Still procrastinating

WHY? Why can't I just leave? I can't because I am not financially able to. If I could do well in my second business then maybe I could. I feel trapped. I know he is still going to gay clubs. I believe he is going to one today. I don't have proof but just a suspicion. His toy, poppers and lube are missing from his 'hidden spot' and he is making a delivery that is not too far from one of those places. 
I don't know how to move forward. I mean, I'm not being fair to myself am I? It sucks having to keep all this in to myself. It's making me sick. I'm grouchy and pissy and he just can't seem to get why I'm this way. 
I'm sorry, I know you are all probably tired of hearing this story. I just have no one the talk to. 


“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain, when you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ~ Haruki Murakami ~
 
 

May 3, 2018 2:03 pm  #2


Re: Still procrastinating

Roo wrote:

WHY? Why can't I just leave? ....I can't because I am not financially able to.....I feel trapped.... I don't have proof but just a suspicion......I don't know how to move forward. I mean, I'm not being fair to myself am I? It sucks having to keep all this in to myself.....  I just have no one the talk to. 

 

I took out all the bits of your post that specifically refer to you Roo. And that's me too. Although I'm not quite sure how to move forward..I think I'm okay with where I am at the moment....I call it the waiting game. It's a strange state to be in. I spend most days thinking about my life now, while every morning putting on the 'me' face I wear for the world. I have no "bits & pieces" that he hides as reference for my suspicion, he comes home every night, we spend every weekend together. He still runs his hands over me, we still talk sometimes like lovers but.... 
I read this site, I read Chumplady too...and know my life has been changed, by him, so much that he can never be the same. So I see it as waiting for the strength to say "I need to go"
Many times I hear "I should have listened to my instinct"..."I should have left 10, 20 years ago". Well, my instinct tells me it would crush me if I left now. I do not have the will in me to do all that it would need to leave behind all that I know. 

Oh yes....the need to have somebody else who's going through this, to talk face to face....!!

 

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (May 3, 2018 2:04 pm)


KIA KAHA                       
 

May 3, 2018 3:05 pm  #3


Re: Still procrastinating

Roo,
 I can't remember if you've seen a lawyer, but it would be a good idea to do that, just to see what rights you have, and what you're entitled to in a divorce.  You may find that your financial picture going forward is better than you think it will be, and that will give you more options for thinking about leaving.  If you discover your financial picture is such that you feel you must stay for a while, at least that will be grounded in knowledge and not in fear.  Fear keeps us from acting AND planning.  Knowledge helps free us up to plan. 

 

May 3, 2018 3:28 pm  #4


Re: Still procrastinating

Delete.

 

Last edited by Lynne (October 3, 2020 6:57 pm)

 

May 3, 2018 4:51 pm  #5


Re: Still procrastinating

You’re stuck because he’s worn down your confidence and self-esteem. Life without this distress, confusion and sadness is so much better, you have to believe in yourself and your future. You know that staying with a lying, cheat is crap. You’ll get there, you have to because this is awful and eventually you will need out.

Keep posting, we all want to help you.

 

May 4, 2018 7:29 am  #6


Re: Still procrastinating

Roo,

You feel trapped,  for now.
You can't leave, for now.

I was 2 years with the GX ...toward the end I was cowering in my "safe spot".      But I was maintaining "staus quo".    It was hell but that is what I needed to do.    

I would will offer another perspective...you are not idle, and you are not procrastinating.  You are gathering 
strength, building your support system.    It is hell being with them as they cheat and burn the marriage but
know,  please know,  that it is not forever.   There is an end..unseen,  not sure when,  but an end.     

Build your support system.    Take a baby steps each day..  Maybe one day look at places in the area to get an idea of what places cost.  Look into what employment there is in an area.   Seek out a lawyer..  they can help you find employment in the settlement .   Just baby steps.    Slow and steady.. calm, stoic but always moving forward..

A kind e-hug Roo.

 


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

May 4, 2018 9:53 am  #7


Re: Still procrastinating

I have so many things running through my mind at one time and I can't get anything done. We work together in our main business and we are together every day! I have to be careful what I search for on the internet etc. 
I've started looking for therapists, however, having a business I can't ask anyone for a referral so I'm on my own. 
Even started looking for apartments...DANG! Why more than our mortgage. But, we do have a small home that we bought 24 years ago. 
Thank you for letting me talk, I'm sorry I may repeat myself a bunch.


“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain, when you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ~ Haruki Murakami ~
 
     Thread Starter
 

May 7, 2018 6:25 am  #8


Re: Still procrastinating

Wondering..I have started a side business as a travel agent. It is slow going but if things go the way I would like I can make some good $$. But between that, our main business and all the other crap that I have to do I am overwhelmed. Not to mention what is on my mind nearly 24/7. It's hard to concentrate on getting anything done when this is all I think about. 

I do have some things printed out from his postings on a website he is a member of and some screen shots from Find My iPhone when I 'watched' where he was going.
 
Thanks for listening
 


“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain, when you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ~ Haruki Murakami ~
 
     Thread Starter
 

May 7, 2018 9:21 am  #9


Re: Still procrastinating

Wondering...thank you for asking. I think I am doing okay, although some days are better than others. 
I'm thankful for this forum as it's the only place I can talk about this. If any of the family knew what was going on it would make things 100% worse. I would love to talk to my sister about it, but I know she would not let me sit around and do nothing about it. 


“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain, when you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ~ Haruki Murakami ~
 
     Thread Starter
 

May 7, 2018 10:03 am  #10


Re: Still procrastinating

Roo, your sister is right, maybe telling her would be the oomph you need to change things. You are locking yourself in the closet not sharing this with your family - these people would give you the real world view of what is happening to you, not the twisted version ou have in your head as a result of the lies, gaslighting and minimisation. It won’t make things 100% worse, it will make them better in the long run. I told my mum straight away because I wanted to be stopped from ever going back. Let your family help you get away. You are truly in a terrible marriage. I’m sorry this is so hard for you but this forum is to try and help each other see some reality.

 

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