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May 2, 2018 4:47 pm  #1


Help?!!!

I have just found photos of my husband that he’s uploaded to a gay networking app. To be honest I’m not surprised, although I have been sick, 3 years ago when I was pregnant with our daughter I found similar photos and evidence of him being in gay porn sites. Unfortunately I ignored this. He is a good man, a good husband but I can’t stop crying now!
We never have sex, he barely touches me and now I know why!! I don’t know what to do! I moved an hour away from my family to live with him and we have 2 children together. Should I confront him with what I found?

 

May 2, 2018 5:09 pm  #2


Re: Help?!!!

So sorry you find yourself here Fi.

You are probably in shock, which is why you are calling him a good man. Good men don’t seek sex behind their partners back. It’s not a networking app, it’s a gay sex app.

For now, read the site here...take some time to process what you’re feeling. Others will be here to advise you on what to do next. I would recommend reading Sean’s thread in the ‘is he gay’ section of this site.

Don’t have sex with him and get yourself STD tested. I’m sorry but the straight guys here will tell you that straight men don’t advertise for sex with other men, or watch gay porn.

Please take some time and look after yourself, this is a very difficult time.

Last edited by Duped (May 2, 2018 5:10 pm)

 

May 2, 2018 5:41 pm  #3


Re: Help?!!!

Welcome to our family Fi. 

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  It's truly awful to find out your spouse is not who you thought they were. 

In the first few days/weeks of this experience most people experience actual physical shock to the body.  The mental impact is so strong it manifests itself physically.  You mentioned being sick and not being able to stop crying.  This is a real health threat, so your first job is to take care of yourself.  Don't allow yourself to be overwhelmed by the stress of having to figure out what the rest of your life is going to be like in the first few weeks.  You have time to deal with this, but first you have to make sure you are keeping yourself healthy - for you and for your daughter. 
As Duped said above - please go get tested.  Where there is smoke, there is usually fire - meaning that more often than not, the guys who are looking at gay porn are out trying to experience it as well.   So please make sure you don't a have anything dangerous from him and then be sure you don't allow him to risk you getting anything else. 

After you have taken some time to get over the initial shock, then you can decide what you think you want your future to look like.  If you chose divorce, then confronting him before you have made a plan might be a bad idea.  If you want to stay with him you should have a fully planned strategy for handling the denial you are sure to face when you do confront him.   

So my advice is to wait on confronting him if you can.  Give yourself some time to gather your courage and find good health and stability and start thinking about what you want the rest of your life to look like. 

And for sure... Straight guys don't look at gay porn.  yuck!


Stick around.. we can help you get through this.  You'll be just fine!
 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

May 2, 2018 5:57 pm  #4


Re: Help?!!!

Sorry to hear about this. As for your question about wondering whether to confront him, I see myself in your confusion. It's pretty common that they twist your head around in emotional abuse and you never know what to do without them ok-ing it first. Also common he'd make you feel like it was your fault there wasn't sex and might even made you feel shamed and guilty for trying.

My advice, if you want it, is to head straight to therapy and clear your head because you've spent years with a crazy person who emotionally abused you. 

 

May 2, 2018 6:12 pm  #5


Re: Help?!!!

Fi: welcome.  Our stories may be similar and may be unique, so I'll offer this much just as perspective -- feel free to use what's useful and disregard the rest.

In my marriage (24 years to date) we've had some times that have been really strained, and my husband can get pretty vicious when he feels defensive.  I didn't know what reaction to expect, and to be honest I was worried he'd go off the rails on me.  He didn't, but it was something I couldn't discount, so I thought long and hard before I raised the topic.  While I was thinking things over, I was looking for ways to approach it without using the language of "confrontation".  I'm pointing t his out because you ask "Should I confront him with what I found?" and that can get a little tricky.

I have many more years of marriage, and I've noticed some patterns in my husband.  As I said, these may not be applicable to you.  But, I felt that if I'd "confronted" my husband with the evidence, I'd get some BS explanation that I wouldn't be able to disprove -- but that I would know is likely to be the tip of the iceberg.  I opted not to tell him what I found, and when he asked directly what I knew, I told him "You have a long history of only confessing to as much as you think you've been caught for, so I'm not going to get into how much I know.  I know enough."  That ended that particular power play.

I took a more conciliatory approach, though, saying "I've only recently come to realize that you've been leading a double life, and only more recently I've come to understand how extensive it is and how long it's been going on.  You cannot possibly be happy."  And that took out the element of "confrontation" and instead offered a more conciliatory approach.

It also left him unable to deny it, because I didn't give him any openings to confirm or deny.

So in your case: you've found him uploading stuff to a hookup site, and you don't know whether he's taken things to the next step.  If you confront him with what you've found ... what do you expect him to say?  I'd expect him to say he's only uploading pictures but he's never actually done anything.  Then where are you?

You know everything, now.  You know he's active on a hookup site and has been for three years.  I wouldn't share with him how you came to know what you know.  I'd just tell him you know he has a double life and it's not fair to either one of you.  It's not what you signed up for when you married him.  It's not fair to your kids.  This is not a victimless crime, and he has to be told that outright.  

 

May 3, 2018 8:50 am  #6


Re: Help?!!!

Thank you all so much for your replies and advice! It’s so good to know that I’m not alone in this!
Thank you walkbymyself for the advice about ‘confronting’ my husband, what you wrote was fantastic and a great way to go about it rather than it being a confrontation.
I just don’t know how to go about it. What do I say. Are you gay? I think your gay? It’s our sons 6th birthday tomoro so I don’t want to say anything now and ruin that but it’ll be ruined for me anyway as I just feel numb and sick at the same time.
Sorry for moaning I just feel like there’s nobody to talk to about it.

Last edited by FiGoodfellow (May 3, 2018 8:50 am)

     Thread Starter
 

May 3, 2018 10:26 am  #7


Re: Help?!!!

my therapist recommended asking my ex if he was bisexual rather than if he were gay and it worked.  But you already know don't you - gay hook up site says it all and then there's how you feel - your instinct says gay doesn't it.  

If he's been walking out on you now with young children then it is only going to escalate and he's not confessing is he you are wondering how to pry the information out of him.

very sorry.  look after yourself as well as you can.

wishing you all the best, Lily

 

May 3, 2018 4:02 pm  #8


Re: Help?!!!

Hi, Fi -

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Please know that if you confront him, he WILL lie about it.  Some men lie by saying they don't know what you're talking about - they have NO IDEA what that site is and they've certainly never been on it!  Or they figure out that they can't get you to believe that since you can see he's posting - so they that they're "just curious", and would never DO anything (followed by being aghast that you would even THINK they'd do such a thing!)  Others will admit to doing it, but only once - and it wasn't for them.  Still others will admit to doing lots, BUT...... it's somehow YOUR fault; they will tell you that you not giving them enough attention (or cleaning the house, or keeping up your body - insert excuses here).  As if you doing ANYTHING could drive him toward wanting sex with men.  You will never get the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

One of the things I learned here is that we often don't think our spouse is gay unless they ADMIT to being gay.  Our minds rationalize that if they were gay, they'd say so.  Ummm, NO - not true.  They're in denial.  Or they're in "secret". They don't want to admit they're gay - either to themselves, or to others.  For whatever reason.  Some suddenly come with stories (whether true or not) of how they were sexually abused in their youth - essentially "turning" them gay against their will.  They'll then want you to feel sorry for them - as if they're a victim of circumstance.

You have every right to decide that if he's actively seeking sex with men, he's gay.  It doesn't matter if he admits to being gay or not.  Pretty much everything else in life is evidenced by actions.  If you buy a home, you're a homeowner.  It doesn't matter if you SEE yourself as a homeowner or not - you will pay taxes on that house, whether you relate to being the owner or not.  Pure and simple.  Bottom line is..... are you happy?  Are you happy with all the needed areas in your marriage - including intimacy?  If not, then you need to decide if you want to address those or not.  Personally, if my current husband (I was formerly married to a gay man) were seeking sex with anyone outside our marriage - male OR female - it's OVER.  They took a vow to forsake all others.  He's been doing this for a long time now if you found him doing it years ago and it's still going on.  He's not going to break that habit, even if he promises he will.

My advice is to run like your hair's on fire.  A gay husband and a straight wife are incompatible - period.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (May 3, 2018 4:02 pm)


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

May 4, 2018 8:20 pm  #9


Re: Help?!!!

In my own case, I deliberately avoided asking whether he was gay. I made it a statement. I knew if he had the chance to lie, he’d do it. I made it absolutely clear that I was not going to be lied to in my own house. I didn’t give him the chance to come up with a cover story.

 

May 5, 2018 7:38 pm  #10


Re: Help?!!!

How do you feel?

I forgot to mention -- my husband has a longstanding habit, whenever I try to talk to him about something that's on my mind: he interrupts and asks "What do you WANT?" as if I'm the most irritating female on earth who will blather on for hours if somebody doesn't stop me and make me get to the point.

So when I screwed up the courage to start this discussion ... which literally took months ... I knew also to be ready for that moment.  When he said it, I told him two things: I want to get a complete picture of our financial situation -- all of our various investments, insurance policies, bank accounts, everything -- and then I would decide whether I could continue in the marriage.  I told him we were not going to take any more vacations together, and that I wanted to start building my own life.  That was the first thing.  The second thing was that our daughter was going to have to be told before she came back home to live.

I'm glad you worked up the courage, even if you did have to get drunk to work up to it.  I knew that given our toxic dynamic in this house, sooner or later there would be a big argument (enhanced with alcohol) and I'd blurt something out, so I knew that one way or the other we needed to get this conversation out of the way.

 

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