Jes I wouldn't worry about that at the moment of how from your end. If he's admitted he's gay then that's his problem to tell them first. You can start by letting them know HE has something to tell them when it's the right time for him...That gives him the option of how. All you have to do after is add details if they ask and be there for support. Sounds as if you are doing very well at the moment despite what you've been through.
I smell a mouse though with the story that he hasn't acted out on his desires and isn't in any relationships.
A good way to tell is go for a nice long walk with him on a high bridge and throw his cell phone over it.
If he dives for it (or makes too much of a fuss), then you know he's got some contacts waiting in the wings and was  lying. Btw those contacts will rear their ugly heads asap when he's out. Then you'll see a clearer picture. 
But hopefully he'll dive after the phone from the bridge and then you won't have to push. lol

Last edited by Scrupulous (April 20, 2018 1:03 pm)

Y’all are awesome.
Thanks for taking the time to share with me!

Scrupulous wrote:

I smell a mouse though with the story that he hasn't acted out on his desires and isn't in any relationships.

I'm smelling that same little mouse, all the way over here.

Sometimes it's easier for these guys to confess a tiny bit at a time, so they start with "I have these urges but I have never acted on them."  Seriously, ask yourself whether you'd throw away your marriage and your relationships with your children all for some urges you've managed to resist, successfully, for a couple of decades.  I'm not saying I can tell whether he's being truthful or not, but you don't need proof to a mathematical certainty -- you need a good working assumption.  I think the safer working assumption here is that he has acted on them, and can't admit this.

There's a very funny episode of "Friends" where they're all talking about the difference between what people say, and what they really mean.  Phoebe offers an example: "like when they say 'I think we should start seeing other people' what they mean is 'I already am.'"

You don't say how long you've been married, but with kids that age I'm assuming it's been a while.  

Each one of us in this group has a common story, but also a very unique story.  So you're going to get a wide range of responses to the question of how much to tell your kids.  I had an eventful weekend, and I'm going to update my own situation on a different thread ... but where I come out is that my daughter needs to know the truth, and it would be better for her to hear it directly from her father, but he'll stall and delay for an eternity so I gave him a deadline, and told him if he hasn't told her by then I'm going to do it myself.

There are factors at play in our family situation that may not be at play in yours, but in our case the issue is that without understanding the full story, there are too many events in my daughter's childhood that are left unexplained, and she will end up blaming herself, or blaming me, for things she doesn't fully understand because she never had all the facts.

Jes,
  From what you say I take it you haven't told your kids that their father has something to tell them.  I think that's a good option here, because that allows you to have an honest relationship with them, and it puts the onus on him to tell them the truth about himself.  Of course, a man who has hidden in a marriage his whole adult life is unlikely to suddenly come clean to them now, and I'm betting he would like to go on hiding as long as it's convenient for him.  The trouble with this is that once he's out and living the gay life, he may either tell them, or they'll find out.  At that point, they turn to you and ask, "Did you know?  Why didn't you tell us?" 
   You can already see that your son is hurting and confused, and perhaps it might be helpful to think about where your loyalty lies now.  It's not with your husband or keeping his secret for him.  It's with your children.  Once you divorce, your husband will cease to be a part of your life and cease to have any hold on you (except insofar as he is your children's father).  The lasting relationships that you will have going forward are going to be with your children.  
   I think of the ending of a marriage in the same way I do about a person's death and the survivors' grief: when people die, the circumstances surrounding that death are important to the quality of their grief, and it's important for others to know the circumstances so they can relate to the bereaved in the most helpful and caring way.  Losing a loved one to sudden violent circumstances--murder, suicide, a car accident, death in war--is different from losing someone after a long drawn-out illness (or a sudden one).  Knowing the specfic circumstances helps us in relating to the grieving.  If your marriage ends because of cheating, or because your spouse has deceived you about his/her sexuality, it's different than if a marriage ends because two people "grew apart."  People in your life are going to relate to you quite differently if they know that your ex was a closeted gay man than if they think you just "grew apart." And that goes double for your kids.  You may worry that the truth will "affect" their relationship with their father, but that's a displacement--it's not the telling of the reality but the reality itself that is the real issue. 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (May 2, 2018 6:51 am)