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August 14, 2016 7:32 pm  #1


Sadly, just now trying to put my life together

Hi everyone.  I posted here (on the other website) a couple of years ago when I first began to understand my chaotic and toxic situation.  However, I am back again and really just need to get all of this off my chest and I figure this is the best place to do so.

I just recently separated from my ex of 4.5 years.  About a year after we were dating he was diagnosed with AIDS and me with HIV right after.  At the time I did not know he had engaged in same-sex sexcapades or was so insanely sick as he is. A couple of months after we were dating he had admitted to me he'd had a drug problem years ago. I was so naive and didn't understand addiction, so just assumed if he wasn't using then or hadn't in X amount of years then he's fine. When I met him we worked together at a university, he had a ph.D, played piano for a few of the churches and genuinely had amazing/caring friends, and all conversations we had prior to having sex lead me to believe he was basically a sexual novice - I NEVER could have guessed how much of a double life he lived.  I completely trusted him and his perfect facade he created.  So, when we were diagnosed I immediately assumed it was because of his drug use years ago, but after subsequent conversations he unwillingly admitted to me that he'd slept with men.  However, assured me it was only when he was out of his mind on drugs.  Again, because I was so naive and also scared to death because of our recent diagnosis, I believed him and stayed.

He became my rock.  Although I felt completely duped, we were now in this horrid situation together, and as long as that was all in the past then all we could do was move forward together.  About 6 months later my father passed away unexpectedly, and about 3 months after that I found out my ex had been cheating on me with men and women on CL, even during the time I was sitting in the hospital with my dying fatherr.  Shortly after I found out he went on a meth binge and dropped off the planet for about a week or so.  I was in such shock, but was still in shock about the HIV diagnosis.  

We split up for a while but ended up back together - I think this was for a multitude of reasons, such as I was in shock over the HIV, denial over his actions, grief over my father, etc.  But also at this point he'd talked to me a lot about his childhood with sexual molestation by a male family member, and other traumas in his past.  I think I wanted so desperately to believe that he did the drugs and the sex because of his past and he just needed help.  I saw him as a victim and wanted to help him as much as myself.  Sick, I know now.  He began therapy and AA meetings, along with getting on mental health medicines, as he was also diagnosed as being bipolar.  I truly felt sorry for him, and for myself, and felt like we had to stay together.

Well, over the next 3 or so years this cycle continued.  He was the perfect man, but every 6 months to a year he would disappear.  He'd go to the closest large city (about an hour away), get a hotel, do a bunch of meth and hook up with men (although he said they never did anything because he was too fucked up on meth to be able to) or anyone that would meet up with him and supply him drugs.  It was fucking terrible.  Basically over the 4.5 years we were together, he's done this about 4 times.  But again, I always went back because I was afraid to be alone with HIV. It's like I treated our diagnosis as our marriage, and was similar to the reasons why people stay in horrible, toxic relationships because of children.  

Well, this past March I found CL solicitations again.  He said he didn't meet up this time and thought he "was doing better" bc he didn't actually do anything and it was all fantasy. We lived together and were at a different university together (I was finishing my last year of professional school and he'd just begun the same bc he was having a hard time getting a job in his pH.D profession), so we decided it was best to just live together until I graduated and just keep everything quiet so as not to ruin my reputation.  Well, that next weekend he did the same exact thing - so I went to the police and told them he was soliciting sex w/o telling people about his status.  But they really didn't care, and actually this was the 2nd time I went to the police and I've also told his AIDS doctors, etc.  They do nothing and it makes me SICK - like he's literally out there killing people. 

After I caught him this time I kicked him out, but apparently he continued to do meth.  We continued acting like we were together so people at school wouldn't suspect anything.  But, a few days before my graduation which he begged me to go to, he dropped out of school and checked into rehab.  He did a month, but I suspect it was only for his meth issue.  The school let him back in, and really he hasn't had to pay deal with any consequences of his actions except for losing me.

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for by posting this.  I have so many questions that will never be answered - at one point during this shitshow a couple of months ago he finally admitted to me that he was at least bisexual, but didn't want a relationship with men, but he didn't know how to deal with any of it.  I don't know, it's just soooo sick.  But, I graduated and finally had enough courage to leave and face my life with HIV on my own.  I feel truly lost, and definitely have symptoms of PTSD, codependency, and a host of other things.  I'm assuming he just has co-addictions?  Idk.  I've gotten on depression meds, but am in desperate need of a good therapist.  I just feel so traumatized and don't know where to start, and sickly, I miss him.

If you've read all of this, I truly thank you! I've been through all of the same things the spouses on this forum have (emails, CL, finding dildos, porn, lying, cheating, etc.), so I feel like this is the best place for me to write and not just an addiction forum.  Thanks again!

 

August 14, 2016 8:17 pm  #2


Re: Sadly, just now trying to put my life together

Welcome and thank you for sharing. You are starting out in a good position to reclaim your life because you want to; are not married so are spared the expense, delay and trauma of a divorce; you have no children so your decisions can be only about yourself, and you have completed your education.

While your former partner has many issues you know that he has repeatedly put his desires ahead of any concern for your health and welfare. I agree that it is important that you find a good counselor so that you can focus on healing you and not on trying to figure him out. If you are being treated for your HIV your care provider may be able to recommend counseling resources. As I understand it, this is something that you will have to be treated for the rest of your life so you will need to develop coping skills beyond recovering from this relationship.

If it helps repeat to yourself when you find yourself trying to figure him out "Whatever he is he isn't for me." I am sure others will join in with other suggestions and support.

 

August 14, 2016 8:37 pm  #3


Re: Sadly, just now trying to put my life together

Selfrenewal: What a story! This fellow is totally bad news. If I were you I'd stay about 1,001 miles away from him, no matter what! Save yourself from such destruction.

 

August 14, 2016 9:49 pm  #4


Re: Sadly, just now trying to put my life together

Yes! Thankfully we are not married nor have children! It's so sad to reflect on everything and realize I only endured more harm because my disease made me feel chained to him, as I'd imagine many spouses feel when they stay because of the children or dread the divorce procedure.

And yes Confused, it's taken me 4+ years but I'm finally ready to run as far and as fast as I can.  Fortunately, my body is controlling the HIV and I do not need meds.  It actually repeatedly shows up on the tests that I'm negative, but because I tested positive twice over the past 4 years I'll always be considered as having it, and it could possibly "flare up" one day.  But right now I thank God that my body is a medical anomaly, and just pray it stays that way.  My self-esteem is shot and I fear future relationships for many reasons but mostly because I wonder if anyone normal will love me despite my disease, but either way I'm WAY better off without him. I am in good doctors' care, but the counseling services they recommend haven't been that great.  I think I'm just going to find a good trauma specialist.  Things will look up, and life goes on, so the only choice I have is to make it the best I can from this point out.  

Thanks Abby for that quote, I love it - "Whatever he is he isn't for me".  No truer words have been spoken. Also writing on this forums and addiction forums have been extremely helpful.  It saddens me to know so many others deal with similar issues, but it's so reassuring to speak with people who knows what these traumatic situations feel like.  Thanks for your replies! 

     Thread Starter
 

August 15, 2016 12:48 am  #5


Re: Sadly, just now trying to put my life together

Thanks Abby for pointing out all of the good things I have going for me.  It helps to look at it from that perspective, and not dwell in the pity party I throw for myself.

A lot of what also kept me with him, like you said, was trying to "figure him out." Is he gay/bisexual/curious or was it from trauma?  After I first found out he'd been sleeping with men, so much of my relationship became consumed with trying to figure him out and find proof of his continued cheating.  I became a crazy person, constantly checking his pockets, emails, CL, etc.  Sickly, one night after I found his last batch of CL emails and he disappeared to the city I went through 600 CL postings to find "his ads" and find out if he was in the city and was cheating because he wouldn't respond - It became so detrimental to my mental and physical health.  It's also astonishing that even when I shoved proof in his face, like finding the emails, or dildos that he still maintained he was straight. Sadly, I so desperately wanted to believe him and stay together that I swallowed everything he told me as if that were the truth. I honestly don't know if he even knows his own sexuality, and that's sad to see in someone you love.  But all that did was cause me pain and kept me in this sick cycle that many of the spouses on this forum are dealing with.

It doesn't matter what they are or why they're doing what they do.  The only thing that matters is they are causing you unimaginable pain for no reason except their own selfishness. This is UNACCEPTABLE. I truly didn't know, or couldn't accept that the man I love was capable of the things he did, but that's the truth. That's his truth - he is someone who hooks up with random, seedy, anonymous men on craigslist and then lies about it because he can't even accept himself. Regardless of his sexuality, anyone who can't accept themselves or can't acknowledge their sexuality can not ever love another human being, at least not in the way we deserve to be loved.

Sorry for continuing to ramble, but it still helps to keep writing and getting all my thoughts out!  I'm also writing and speaking all of my craziness (like going through 600 CL posts) hoping it may help someone else before it's too late and they wind up with HIV or another STD, or just stuck in a shitty, true intimacy-less relationship. This possibility is sooo real and can truly happen to anyone (straight professional, female who doesn't do drugs or sleep around without being in a committed relationship). We all deserve better. Our partners just have issues we'll never be able to comprehend, and it's truly best to just walk away because it only gets worse.

     Thread Starter
 

August 15, 2016 8:47 am  #6


Re: Sadly, just now trying to put my life together

Selfrenewal,

Your story is so heart breaking.  I am so glad to hear you are away from him and can focus all your attention on maintaining your own health and dignity now.  Your description of going to extreme efforts to obtain further evidence or proof of what you already knew really rang true.  I did a lot of that for a lot of years.  I knew my husband was lying and sneaking around ... why was it necessary to keep tracking his behavior any further?  Was not finding something going to tell me he had stopped doing it or was I just not looking in the right place this time?  It was maddening and I really emotionally abused myself in this way for a lot of years.  I just did not want for it to be true and yet was having an easy time finding proof that it was.  And what I was finding turned out to be merely the tip of the iceberg.  I have a lot of anger at myself for allowing so many years of my life be wasted ... I knew I needed to leave a long time ago but did not want to face it.  Now I have finally kicked him out at age 51.  It would have been far better to have done so at age 31, but better age 51 than 61!  I hope that more recently betrayed folks who come to this site will heed our examples and RUN, but I suspect that I would not have done so even after reading your painful post.  Sigh.

 

August 15, 2016 1:40 pm  #7


Re: Sadly, just now trying to put my life together

Selfrenewal - thank you for sharing your story.  I know there are one or two others on this board who have also contracted HIV from their GID partner.  Hopefully it helps you to know that you are not alone. 

I am so glad to hear that your body is reacting well and has fought it off.  I think with continued distance from your ex you will feel better and better.  You definitely have your shit together.  Stay strong.  Please continue to post here and gain strength and help others with your experience. 

 

August 15, 2016 2:28 pm  #8


Re: Sadly, just now trying to put my life together

Welcome back Selfrenewal.  

There is so much to learn from your journey I am glad you are able to share your story. I know that others will really benefit from your experience.  Keep posting. Congrats on your degree and extracting yourself from this relationship. So glad you are fighting all of this body, mind and soul.  You are strong and you are a survivor!  


"No matter how hard the journey may be, remember to be kind to yourself..."
 

August 16, 2016 1:00 pm  #9


Re: Sadly, just now trying to put my life together

Thank you all for your kind words. I am a SURVIVOR, we are all survivors! We can be victorious in our lives if only we choose to do so. Today is a good day for me, I feel strong and able to let go. But, as all of know, this is just the high of the emotional roller coaster and I have more down days ahead. That's what I hate the most - thinking/feeling life is great only to be hit again with sadness and grief.  I just keep holding onto knowing that "that too shall pass." 

I'd love to speak with the others who contracted HIV from their GID spouses. Do you know if they stayed? I haven't had much luck looking on the internet, most of the HIV stories were bc the spouse used IV drugs. So much of my self respect was crushed because of this, I stayed and continued to sleep with him because "there's nothing worse that can happen to me." That was a huge lie I told myself. So many worse things could happen, I could contract new STDs (thankfully, I didn't), and rack up new emotional pain. Such a twisted story, that I allowed to continue for TOO LONG. But now I'm free and am excited to keep putting one foot in front of the other. 

     Thread Starter
 

August 16, 2016 5:14 pm  #10


Re: Sadly, just now trying to put my life together

SR - I'm not sure if any of them stayed.  But I know there is at least one person whose GID ex has AIDS and she is around quite a bit.  The name escapes me. 

Have you tried any local support groups for partners who contracted HIV? 

 

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