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April 17, 2018 9:46 am  #1


Devastated and confused

It’s been almost 3 months since my world started to fall apart. I’ve been married to my DH for almost 9 years now. He’s always been a wonderful husband and father to my 3 children from a previous relationship. Over the past 5 years we have struggled sexually in our marriage. It’s seemed as if he just lost interest in me and struggled to get and maintain an erection. I blamed myself for gaining weight and just wasn’t attractive to him. I felt so unwanted and unloved. The thought of him possibly being gay never entered my mind. One day while using his tablet I saw websites for tranny porn. I was horrified but didn’t want to jump to conclusions. I know my husband watches porn and I figured it could have just been a pop up within the site he uses. I never questioned him about what I saw. Over the next few years I saw he was continuously going on sites to watch tranny porn. I know that should have been a red flag but I think I just didn’t want to accept the truth. The whole situation just began to stress me all together. No sex, passion, communication and his addiction to tranny porn. It wasn’t till few months ago I finally decided to confront him. I had found that not only was he watching tranny porn it had moved to full on gay porn and now he was browsing craigslist for sexual encounters with men. My heart dropped when I saw what he had been doing. I felt so disgusted and devastated. How could he do this to me? Is this my fault? Is he gay? I was a mess!!! He tried denying then making up ridiculous lies as to why and finally admitting he was he was excited by the porn and was addicted to watching it but swears he never hooked up with anyone from Craigslist. He says he is not gay but all the evidence says he is definitely gay!! I’m devastated and I feel so deceived. He thinks he can just stop watching it and it will all go away but I don’t believe him. It’s been  going on for 5 years that I know of but who knows really. I hate I didn’t trust my gut when I first saw what was happening right in my face. I love him with all my heart but I don’t know if this is something I can get pass. He wants us to stay together but I’ve explained to him that I don’t know what to do right now. The worst part is feeling like I can’t talk to anyone about this and how embarrassed and ashamed I feel. I’m so alone in all of this and I’m slowly falling apart. I just pray to God that he helps me get through this and get to where I should be. I’m so thankful for finding this site and knowing there’s people that understand what I’m going through

Last edited by HW (April 17, 2018 9:53 am)

 

April 17, 2018 11:41 am  #2


Re: Devastated and confused

You're not alone, Sweetie.  We're not physically there, but we're all out here.

Take it one day at a time.  It took me, what, twelve years to fully understand what was going on in my own marriage.  It takes time for it all to sink in.  You've done more in three months than I've done in twelve years, because you actually had the courage to speak up to him.  That's a great first step, but today you don't need to solve all these problems, you need to solve only the problems that you face today.  If you're trying to do anything more complicated than fold the laundry, take a big step back and just face what you need to face for today.

 

April 17, 2018 4:54 pm  #3


Re: Devastated and confused

Thank you so much ladies😊 I need all the words of encouragement and advice I can get. This is something I never thought in a million years I would ever have to deal with but yet here I am. I’ve definitely been focusing more on me and my happiness. I spent 2 weeks locked in my room just crying and tryna wrap my mind around what was happening but thank God I broke out of that phase. I’m still in shock and sadly at times try to forget about it all but who am I kidding it’s real!! He of course is in complete denial smh and has went from maybe he’s bi curious to having a porn addiction. He says he has no interest in men at all but I don’t know any straight men that choose tranny/gay porn or that would be viewing m4m post on Craigslist. He refuses to take the time to address this within himself or with me. I swear he has a way of making me feel bad about how I feel when I try to talk with him. It’s always how bad he feels, how bad I make him feel that I won’t let him touch me, or how bad he would feel without his family. What about me!!?? I swear in this mans mind we’ve already worked past it and in a good place but I’m not!! I’m freaking miserable and unhappy😔 I feel guilty for even thinking divorce. I’ve always been told to love my spouse unconditionally but how can I do that in this situation? When is it ok to walk away?

Last edited by HW (April 17, 2018 4:56 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

April 17, 2018 5:18 pm  #4


Re: Devastated and confused

HW, 5 years is a long time for 'nothing but porn' to be going on. 
You know the answer. What you've caught him at is only a fraction of what the real story is. He can swear until he's blue in the face but the best liars are the ones that are so convincing.
Don't feel guilty about nothing except what you've denied yourself of the freedom and life with a straight man that will cherish you and not spend all his FN free time trying to hook up with other men!

You deserve more.


Life is like phases of the moon.... We really only see it when it's beautiful, full and in our face. 
 

April 17, 2018 5:50 pm  #5


Re: Devastated and confused

What I don’t know is what scares me the most

     Thread Starter
 

April 17, 2018 7:42 pm  #6


Re: Devastated and confused

yes, stay together or separate they are both genuinely scary.

A husband who wants to feminise himself in order to attract a man?  nope.  does not spell husband to me.  

sorry for your pain, hurts doesn't it.  wishing you all the best, Lily
 

 

May 29, 2018 4:40 pm  #7


Re: Devastated and confused

Thank you all so much for your kind words😊 Well I made the decision to separate from him and I will be moving into my home in a few weeks. It was a really hard decision to make but I know it’s the right one. The closer it gets to that time I’m finding myself so freaking emotional. I’ve even been questioning myself about if I’m doing the right thing or is it possible to fix this but thank goodness for that part of me that keeps reminding me of why I NEED to go. There’s no fixing this and I feel with all my soul he WILL do this again. I’m excited about my new beginnings but I’m so nervous about being alone again😕

     Thread Starter
 

May 29, 2018 5:05 pm  #8


Re: Devastated and confused

Congratulations on making this decision. 

And the very best of luck to you


KIA KAHA                       
 

May 30, 2018 1:38 am  #9


Re: Devastated and confused

HW wrote:

Thank you all so much for your kind words😊 Well I made the decision to separate from him and I will be moving into my home in a few weeks. It was a really hard decision to make but I know it’s the right one. The closer it gets to that time I’m finding myself so freaking emotional. I’ve even been questioning myself about if I’m doing the right thing or is it possible to fix this but thank goodness for that part of me that keeps reminding me of why I NEED to go. There’s no fixing this and I feel with all my soul he WILL do this again. I’m excited about my new beginnings but I’m so nervous about being alone again😕

Yes this is me too. I have been separated for just short of 2 months. It is scary and lonely at times but it is so much better than what went before. The stress of living with someone who doesn't care for you is gone.xx

 

May 30, 2018 4:34 am  #10


Re: Devastated and confused

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Congratulations on making this decision. 

And the very best of luck to you

Thank you very much😊

     Thread Starter
 

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