Hi Southerndad - so glad you found us.

Do you know what sticks out to me, out of all those sentences you wrote?  One main thing:  "She gets upset and hurt that I’m not as excited for her and this new chapter of her life. She says that I need to see that she sacrificed so much of herself for us".

That right there is manipulation at it's finest.  Mainly the second sentence.  She lied, she manipulated, she's leaving you...but she's upset with you because you can't see how much she has done for you.  How much SHE has done for you by forcing herself to lie to you all these years. 

One common thread you'll notice on this site is that many of the gay in denial spouses will use tactics like this to make you question yourself.  Well, maybe she's right?  Maybe I didn't do all I could.  Maybe I should try harder.  Maybe if I'm nicer, funnier, more intelligent, more in shape.....all crap.  There is nothing you could have done.  Write down those words that she said to you and any time you start to feel yourself question letting her come back you need to read those words. "She says that I need to see that she sacrificed so much of herself for us".  And you need to think to yourself: would any sane person tell this to another human being as they are walking out of their husband and child's life?  It would be one thing if she were talking about a true sacrifice.  But she's talking about the sacrifice of lying to you for 'your' benefit all these years and how hard it was for her.  She's delusional.  For most of the women here, we find that it's that the husbands will be exceptionally good at making us believe we didn't see things.  And once time passes it's so easy to question: did I really see that website with naked men on my computer?  No, that couldn't have been right.  With the men on this site it's usually more along the lines of what you're seeing.  Either way - just like I tell the women to take screen shots of all the pictures they find so they don't question themselves later, I'm telling you to write all of this down or reference this post any time you start questioning yourself and whether this relationship can or should be repaired.

Another common thread you'll find here is that unfortunately, 98% of these spouses do not up and move out until they have a reason to.  You don't throw away the safety and security of your home and all you have and move out into a friend's house unless and until you have a damn good reason.  That reason is usually a new romance or at the very least, someone they are trying to get into the pants of.  It's not always the case but many times we find this out much later.

Hang in there.  Come back, read often, ask questions, and vent.  I found that the more I vented, the better I felt. 

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Last edited by Lynne (October 3, 2020 6:53 pm)

Its messed up that I really want to defend her when I see the replies that she is manipulating me.  I really want to believe that she’s not doing that.  And when I think she might be doing that, I really get angry.  She’s going to pretty much walk away debt free except for a car payment.  But I’m kinda ok with that because I’m going to have essentially primary custody of our son.  I’ll be able to keep the house and hopefully keep his environment somewhat stable. I think that’s the right thing to do, but I don’t know what I’m thinking half the time.  This mess just has me all jacked up.  I will talk to her tomorrow about telling our son earlier.  I think he knows something is up anyway.  He’s been having accidents in his pants which he’s not done unless he was sick.  I hate that this is happening right here close to his birthday.  I don’t want him to associate the two. 

Tonight she was really upset.  She told her therapist about the fact she had a crush on her.  Obviously that’s a potential problem for the therapist.  The therapist is married, so she knew that nothing would happen even if she wanted it to, but she wanted to be truthful with the therapist.  Due to the therapist’s group policies, my wife is going to be transferred to another therapist.  She is extremely upset and knows logically that makes sense.  But she said her heart is hurting.  She spent most of the night crying.  I really hate to see her in pain, but she’s cried more over this than us.  Honestly, it ticks me off a bit and makes me really sad.  I’m just ready for the suck part of this to be done.

Thanks for the help and advice.

Well, that was a rough weekend.  She was pretty miserable all weekend long over the therapist change.  She knows the crush was all in her head, but said her heart is broken.  I did tell her that it ticked me off that she cried for almost 3 days over something made up in her head vs how she's handled the destruction of our marriage.  She said she sees me no different than she did before, her best friend.  That hurts so bad.  We're still working on timing of telling our families and how much we're going to tell them.  I personally just want it out and done with.  We had originally talked about just telling them about the separation only and then later on giving them the details.  I know my parents are going to be on me about doing what ever I can to fix this until they know I can't fix it.  I would give anything if I could fix it.  We went to store because we needed some stuff and she also started buying some stuff with her money for the new place.  That really sucked. 

I thought it was a good thing that we had kinda backed down to a separation to start, but really just feels like we're kidding ourselves.  With the buying of new stuff, deciding what will be split here at home, and just the way that she talks about our marriage as if it is a thing in the past makes me feel like she's already gone.  She started to tell me today that she's staying right now because she cares for me and can see I'm hurting.  I called her on it and said the only reason she's still here is because of our son.  I told her that if he wasn't in the picture she would have packed and left already which she admitted was probably true.  The open marriage conversation came back up this weekend too.  I know that's just going to be her going out and finding someone.  She even said that she couldn't guarantee that she wouldn't find someone and leave anyways.  There's no way I can do that, even if I could sweep my convictions about it under a rug.  That thought and fear of she's going to leave would be constant.  

As it now my emotions are crazy,  I'm very much laid back, go with the flow.  This has me bouncing so hard between extremes.  I went back to gym for the first time in a while (knee issues).  It felt good, but I got so angry.  By the time I left, I was good and ticked off.  Then I got home and was blubbering again.  It just hurts so bad.  I also don't like my emotions out running around.  I like them in a stuff sack.  Nicely contained and where they're supposed to be. 

We're still discussing the timing about telling our son.  I've brought up the advice I got on this thread.  We're at least waiting until after his birthday.  I really feel like he needs to have a somewhat normal birthday before this mess. 

Thanks for the advice and a place to get this out.  I know from reading others' posts on here that things will eventually get better.  I believe that too, though some days it's easier to believe it than others.  I still have faith that God could fix all of this, but He gives all free will and He's not going to force her to stay.  And if she doesn't, then I know He can take this bad situation and make it turn out good.  Again, some days easier to believe it than other days.

southerndad wrote:

As it now my emotions are crazy,  I'm very much laid back, go with the flow.  This has me bouncing so hard between extremes.  I went back to gym for the first time in a while (knee issues).  It felt good, but I got so angry.  By the time I left, I was good and ticked off.  Then I got home and was blubbering again.  It just hurts so bad.  I also don't like my emotions out running around.  I like them in a stuff sack.  Nicely contained and where they're supposed to be. 

I want to challenge you on this.  (In a supportive way of course). 

Did you know that men have a 4x higher likelihood of suicide than women?  We are told by society that a "real man" is like Jack Palance or John Wayne.. the stoic, silent cowboy.. the rock who never shows emotion unless it's to be romantic.   We are expected to keep our emotions in check and not let them out.  We feel awkward and uncomfortable if we show emotions to others.  The only people I ever felt comfortable shedding a tear around was my parents and my ex-wife.  We use the phrase "cry on your shoulder" with friends, but we never actually do it.  The only emotion we are expected and allowed to share is anger.   This is a problem. 

I want to challenge you to allow yourself to feel and outlet those emotions.  If you feel like crying.. even in the car in the grocery store parking lot..  do it!   Let that emotion out..   That is healthy.   You need to know that it's OK to not be OK.  If you need help, admit it and get help.  A real man is in touch with his emotions and isn't scared to show his emotions.  A real man allows his emotions to flow so that he can heal from them.  The one emotion that needs to be harnessed is anger.  That one can and should be allowed to flow as well, but it needs to be harnessed and directed.   Use the anger to motivate you.  Outlet that anger in a healthy manner.. get a punching bag to exercise with.  Use it to motivate workouts or to motivate you to get things done around the house. 

Let me re-state this..  I'm offering you this as encouragement.  Not trying to criticize you.   I want you to heal as quickly and completely as possible.