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March 24, 2018 11:17 am  #1


Needing some support please.

After battling for nearly 7 months, we are separating. OH is moving out in less than 2 weeks. I know this is for the best but I am in total turmoil. How is it possible to feel so many different emotions in one day? I go between rage, grief, relief and fear in the space of a few hours. It is totally exhausting. Mostly i am angry as even though people know we are separating, he refuses to explain why. So the dishonesty is still there and I am sure people will wonder what I did. Mostly I am angry- I have given up so much over the years because he had a job that required long hours. My career, friends all took a back seat. At the age of 51 I am now starting again. Please tell me it will get better? Is there anything I should do? The money side is sorted thankfully and the children grown up and left home. Just me and the greyhound- and thank goodness for her.

 

March 24, 2018 12:25 pm  #2


Re: Needing some support please.

My cat is stuck to me like glue these days.  Yes the love of a pet animal really helps.  I am glad to hear the basics are sorted and you are staying in the home.  

It doesn't change the fact that you are at the start of a big emotional journey - take your time over it, he will be gone in two weeks and you can spread out and sob in the middle of the living room carpet if you want!  Just stay focused on looking after yourself.  There's a lot to think about and process and you will need to talk about it with your children your family your friends at some point.  

I was so shocked when I realised my ex was gay.  And I was devastated by his cruel indifference to me, it literally dropped me to the floor.  as I lay there recovering my breath my first thought was that he could do what he wanted but I wasn't going to live his lie any more.

I have noticed that it is very common for straight spouses to find it difficult to break the secrecy of the closet.  With hindsight I can see that he had created this reluctance to speak in me.  It was so necessary for me to talk about it but difficult to achieve.  thank goodness for the straight spouse forum!

I was a bit older than you and I let him keep the house.  From the first night it has been more peaceful, you have a lot to look forward to.  look for support from family and friends.  rest a lot and be kind to yourself at all times.  wishing you all the best, Lily

 

March 24, 2018 2:56 pm  #3


Re: Needing some support please.

The unconditional presence of a pet is very helpful and you can use a dog as a way to keep yourself from going into a 'fortress of solitude'. In other words - walkies! The next two weeks may be a bit of a roller-coaster as the move out date approaches but all roller-coasters calm down after a bit of time. You are not obligated to keep his secrets. That being said, how much you say to someone depends on how important they are in your life. For casual acquaintances, perhaps it's something like we disagreed on fundamental aspects of the marriage and where it was heading. For close friends - spill your truth. The other thing I think you should do is, as soon as he's gone, change the locks and change the decor is some way. Start making it 'your place'.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

March 24, 2018 11:32 pm  #4


Re: Needing some support please.

While I am new to the Straight Spouse Network, I am not new to the "Gay Thing". I have been struggling since May 2000, yes, for almost 18 years, since the father of my children told me that he "wanted to explore his homosexual feelings". Until then, I had no idea that he had "homosexual feelings". I did not have any "sexually intimate experience" until the night after our wedding, had been "saving myself" for my husband. I was 25 and he was 27. I am now 60 and I often wonder if the youth of today are smarter for not waiting for marriage.  And yet, I do not regret waiting, because he was the only one who seemed genuinely interested in having a life & future with me. But maybe that was his "charm", convincing me ...
  Anyway, when he decided to leave, most of my "friends' shut me out. They seemed to not believe that the guy they knew could be so ....
I have read the post by the Gay Husband, and found myself wishing my GH had those thoughts & feelings of self-disgust.  My 2 now adult children have been telling me for years that I "need to move on, because Dad has". But their father was the only one who had me feeling loved, appreciated, worthwhile, cared-for.  In fact, when he told my mother, she told me, "If you had been a better wife, he would not be leaving you!"  She even invited him to celebrate that Christmas with the family. I was too upset to attend, went to a friend's instead....

 

March 25, 2018 2:03 am  #5


Re: Needing some support please.

gonzo2000 wrote:

....In fact, when he told my mother, she told me, "If you had been a better wife, he would not be leaving you!"  She even invited him to celebrate that Christmas with the family. I was too upset to attend, went to a friend's instead....

Omg....that....must have been so hurtful. To hear it from your own mother...
 'hugs for you'
Did she even realise the effect her words would have? And are you estranged from her and the rest of your family?


KIA KAHA                       
 

March 25, 2018 8:03 am  #6


Re: Needing some support please.

Thanks everyone. Lily, you are right about not wanting to talk about it. I feel stupid. I can just imagine people asking-"did you not have any idea he was gay?".  But maybe I am doing them a disservice. I wish he'd had the courage and the decency to do this years ago. 27 years married is a long time.
I have started changing thins though. Have bought a big new rug for the living room and some new lamps. 

     Thread Starter
 

March 25, 2018 9:08 am  #7


Re: Needing some support please.

greyhound gal,
  It'll get better.  In the biggest way it already has, although you can't see it, because you've made the decision that you can no longer live in a marriage in which you must live a lie and in which you subordinated your interests to someone who was taking advantage of you and knew it.  You have a right to your anger, and it's perfectly justified and called for.  From what I've read on this forum, it's not unusual for gid spouses to isolate geographically or disadvantage the spouse in their own careers in order to make them more dependent, which gives the gid more certainty that you will continue to provide cover.  
     Why don't they have the courage and decency to end the marriage themselves?  Because to do so requires them to own who they are, and they won't.  They will sacrifice everything to the closet: honesty, decency, authenticity.  And then save face with themselves by pretending to themselves that they have no choice.
    I get it, about telling.  Mine is also not willing to say why our marriage foundered.  And I'm sure there are people out there who are blaming me--he's been very good at cultivating a persona at work of hyper-responsible.  I have told some of my closest friends, and my family, the truth. Despite my fears, most people are very supportive.  Remember that we've been living in a disordered reality, and that has warped our thinking. Most other people haven't.  They will immediately see why you can't continue to live with a husband whose sexuality is incompatible to yours.  It takes a while, I think, for us to leave the patterns of thinking of that disordered reality behind.
      I find that those who ask the question "Didn't you have a clue?" either don't know him very well (because people who know him didn't have a clue, either, and they are as dumstruck as I was) or want to believe such a thing could never happen to them.  I've decided the move to blame the straight spouse for not knowing is just a way to maintain the illusion of control over life--a modern version of a charm against the evil eye, if you will, said to keep such disasters from their own door. 
     You see it everywhere: when someone gets cancer, the first thing people say is "Did he smoke?" as if implying the cancer is the person's fault, and that because that person doesn't smoke, s/he will not get cancer.  Their faces change when you say, "No.  He never smoked.  Never drank.  Not overweight. Ate healthy.  Exercised.  No risk factors in the family."  Because that means it could happen to them, too.  
     I'm five days out in my own place.  Already I find that I am making an effort to contact my family and friends more, and to do new things.  I think having the greyhound is going to be a great comfort to you.  
I like Lynne's idea of calling herself single, because the marriage was conducted under false pretenses.  I can't do that while I work in the same place as my stbx, but I may, when I move to a new place, call myself a trans widow.  When you male husband comes out to you as wanting to be a woman, and disavows his maleness, and tells you he hates his maleness, and wants to act like a caricature of a woman with you, and pretend his male body parts are female body parts, he might as well have died.

 

March 25, 2018 9:18 am  #8


Re: Needing some support please.

Thank you Ellexoh & Lynne for responding so quickly. By now, you have probably guessed that I am not accustomed to communicating online via "posts".  I do appreciate this method of finding support.
My primary supports (if one can call them) were members of the church I attended during the farce called "marriage". I have been a devoted Christian (believer in Jesus as my personal saviour) since age 6. But there is nothing in The Bible that addresses how to live as a "reject" when the world accepts "the Gay Thing". As a Christian, I am supposed to believe that knowing Jesus is all I need. But what about "community"?  "Where 2 or 3 are gathered in My Name..."  We, as Christians are supposed to be "light for the world,..."  Even Jesus had community. Some of hose who had been "friends" have asked, "Didn't you have an idea that he was gay?" My reply was, "How could I know? Did you?"  It isn't as though a gay man has "gay" written on his forehead.  He was a really good actor. And a
As for my mother, she grew up in a Boarding School, so has that whole residential school experience of nuns undermining her self-esteem since age 6. She died almost 3 years ago, after much suffering with heart disease. I was able to be with her as she passed and I know her words came from a crippled spirit.  I have come to learn that South Asian women, Catholic or otherwise, are considered inferior by men of that culture. I thought that marrying an Englishman would save me from that attitude. It seems "the odds" (racially mixed marriage) were against me because I was in a MOM as well.
I am also concerned that my children have been cheated out of the experience of a secure family. My 28 year-old son admitted to having difficulty with "compartmentalization". We called it "trying to juggle too many bowling pins." This is affecting his stable employment as he is establishing his career.
There is not a day when I wonder if ending it all would be the best for me. But my cowardice would make life worse for my children. How does one know in whom to trust? I have trusted and been let down too often.
 

 

March 25, 2018 12:43 pm  #9


Re: Needing some support please.

gonzo,

My mother supposedly said (to my ex's mother) that maybe I "caused" my ex to "turn" gay.  "Because of the type of woman that I am."  What the actual f*ck? My mom denies saying such a thing to my ex MIL, but either my mom did say it (which is likely), or it was my ex MIL's way of saying it while accusing someone else of it.  Either way, it was bunk.  Is there anything that anyone could do to me to "turn" me into a lesbian?  I don't think so.  That kind of accusation is just victim shaming.  You are not (and never will be) prepared for such statements, so you're never going to be ready with a good response.  But if you were, I would have said something like, "And what exactly was it that I was doing or not doing as a wife in order to make him like penises, hairy men and sodomy???"

Ugh.  People are so judgemental, aren't they?

Kel

Last edited by Kel (May 31, 2018 2:26 pm)


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

March 25, 2018 7:26 pm  #10


Re: Needing some support please.

My parents would have blamed me one way or another - for marrying a gay husband or for making a straight husband gay. My father died before my husband came out and left and I never told my mother and let my relatives know that at her age and in her health there was no reason she should know.

When I visited her in her nursing home she never asked about him or my children. As soon as I left she would have forgotten than she'd had a visitor and I when I was there I think she thought I was someone from her childhood. It was better that way.

I grew up knowing that there was nothing bad that could happen to me that could not be made worse by my parents finding out. The good thing is that it made me realistic and self-reliant. The bad thing is that when love wasn't in my marriage I accepted that this was just how marriages were because that's what I'd seen between my parents. If he hadn't left I'd still be serving a life sentence because that's just what I'd been trained to do.

Greyhound gal it does get better as you get used to your new life and start doing things for yourself. Analyze your look and decide if there are things you want to try. Don't do anything irreversible yet like a dramatically different haircut or permanent haircut. No tattoos or piercings either. Just perk things up a bit to build your confidence and make you sparkle. I love thrift stores to try new colors and styles on the cheap. Try new activities and go to new places. Smile and the world smiles back.   


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

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