What happened 12 years ago - was that when he convinced you that he had E.D. and all intimacy stopped?  Did you feel during those 12 years that you were being robbed, or is it only now - in looking back - that you feel you've been robbed and were being held hostage?

You say that you found out 3 months ago you discovered TGT - the porn magazines, his "one sexual encounter" with a man, his hepatitis B. His need for anal penetration, his interest in pegging.  I take it that you've put two and two together and assume that since he convinced you of his E.D., he's been exploring his bi-curiosity, his bisexuality? Or did you know all along that he was doing this?

He's lying when he says that at his age those desires are fading away.  It was THREE MONTHS AGO that you learned about the porn. That's not fading away - that's active. What you've learned is that he's a liar. He is not MORE trustworthy now that you've found that out - now everything he says should be filtered through the fact that you now know he is willing to lie to you and cheat on you.  His claim that the desires are fading has ZERO evidence. So does his claim that it was ONE male encounter. Why should you believe that? The only reason to swallow that lie whole is because it's easier than swallowing a whole ton of truth that's much bigger than that one lie.

I watch "Cheaters" on TV all the time.  They ALL cry and say they love the spouse they're cheating on. That it means "nothing". If that's love, then I don't want it.  I don't want the kind of love that's just an intense feeling toward me that results in no real actions. That's not love - I don't know what that is, but it's not love. Not the kind of love that I want, anyway. If their mouth is saying "But I love you!" and their eyes are full of tears, but all the while they're f*cking someone else, then I'm sorry - but I believe their actions over their words and their tears.

Yes, the pain will go away.  It will take much time and processing, though.  Staying in the active hurt though will never allow you to heal and build a different life.  It ties you to a life of pain and lies.

Kel

Thanks for your responses. 

Out of his closet, Yes, we had conversations about his sexual needs, I approached him very calmly, instead of being crying and hysterical, I approach him with openness, seeing what "options" may work for him. I told him I could be open but needed to understand him. So he told me he would like to have anal penetrations once a month with a man, and perhaps he could post on line, and hookup with a businessman in his fifties, and when I questioned why a 50 year old he said no younger guy would be turned on by his age but that a younger guy would be a "turn on" for him. He told me he does not want any intimacy with a man just the act of anal penetration, he likes the intimacy of being with a women. He was so "appreciative" that he could be honest with me and discuss this. I did this over the phone when I was on a business trip, otherwise i don't think I could of held myself together. he suggested when I get home we could look at the hookup posts together. I told him "no" he would need to explore that on his own. Then the next day, he said he changed his mind that that was just a "fantasy" a "desire" he would never act upon, and that he was getting older and the fantasy is fading away. I believe that so called "open" conversation we had was the only time he was honest with me. I physically got sick when I hung up the phone. Then when i got home, he claimed he never said certain things and that he does not want to partake in those acts. 
I have nothing left to ask him, or nothing else to say.

Kel, I never knew until 3 months ago about TGT. He stopped being intimate with me 10 years ago. On the 4 occasions he attempted during the past 10 years to have intercourse with me, he could not get an erection , led me to believe he had ED, and I told him it was OK not to worry he was having minor heart problems I thought that was cause of that. I kinda of accepted my sex life was over, he would blame me for his ED says I was not relaxed enough. He now claims he never had ED that he just felt so "guilty" that he could not have sex with me. I now believe he is/was not sexually attracted to me. 

I never felt robbed until now that I know the truth, I thought I was being an understanding loving wife that my husband had ED and I let him know it did not matter i loved him. I assumed at 54 years old then my sex life was over. I know it sounds so stupid, but I believed him!

When I write out these notes, it sounds so bizarre.......but it helps me see the truth.

Cindys....the only person holding you hostage...is you. And not for any negative reasons, you're just trying to hold on to something that has changed so much...that it no longer resembles what it once was. It also sounds like your 
man wants to have his cake....and eat it too. How fucking unfair is that!

My partner told me 5 years ago "it'll never go back to how it used to be". But he never said What it was, or 
what it was. I realise now that something had changed in him that even he couldn't admit to/wasn't prepared 
to acknowledge, but that it stemmed from his bisexuality and (initially) my acceptance of what I thought was 
a sexual adventure we started as a team, but found over time it became focused on his (secretly-growing) needs 
and exploration into a world I could never belong in. 

As long as we focus on our men.....you and I will continue to lose focus of ourselves. I found the best place
to start...for myself...was to definitively, and defiantly, state to him....but more importantly to myself....that 
there are boundaries I will NEVER cross. Things (sexual acts) that repel me and that I will never accept as 
part of our r'ship

I'm not used to posting on these boards but your words, your story has pieces in it that remind me of my own. 
One thing I've realised.....sometimes it's just not possible to be okay with how somebody else' life has changed, 
but that we should never forget the more important life to live....is our own



 

While we're at it, can we start with his phrase "anal penetration"?  It's S-E-X, not some clinical treatment!  He wants anonymous sex with strangers.   He wants this because he's G-A-Y, and he's been denying to himself that this is who he is.  He says he wants intimacy with you ("a woman"), but 1) that's because as an in-denial gay man he can't be himself and therefore actually have a relationship with a man, 2) that declaration doesn't pass the smell test.  Ten years ago he lied to you in order to stop having sex with you but then said he wants the intimacy of sex with you?  He's NOT intimate with you.  I'm with Lynne; he doesn't know what intimacy is because he can't even admit to himself who he is.  Intimacy arises when one feels oneself deeply known, and knowing one's partner equally deeply.  How can a man so in denial understand intimacy?
   You can't make sense of him when he's lying to you and deliberately manipulating you. 
    I do understand the hurt you're feeling, and the understanding that you traded away a love life--good sex and real intimacy--for a handful of beans.  You know what?  I'm a sexually adventurous, sexually responsive woman, and the realization that I wasted 35 years with a man whose puzzling lack of sexual responsiveness left me questioning myself, feeling guilty, and unsatisfied makes me gnash my teeth!  I would have made some man who could actually love me very happy.  At 64 my chances at a satisfying love life are pretty slim, but I'm not giving up hope; you never know what the future holds. 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (March 13, 2018 3:25 pm)

jens, I am getting "it was just a fantasy" excuse and "I was speaking in the hypothetical." I am just worn out....exhausted, every time we talk it is a different story....nothing makes sense anymore, first he says he was bicurious, then bisexual then he claims he never said that.....he is now heterosexual , 

I have to determine what kind of a marriage I want, after 44 years of marriage.....all I want is truth and honesty.....will we ever get the truth?