Seems like you have been handling it pretty well so far - "I already tried to fix us but you didn't show up".
I expect he will keep trying to lay on a guilt trip until he realizes you aren't buying it this time. As little contact as possible would probably help. Depending on the custody or visitation set-up, maybe have a go-between? Someone you trust to make sure he gets his time with the child but stays out of your presence? (I am making an assumption here that you have custody but he has visitation days and times.) Definitely don't let him think he can just show up anytime he wants, change the door locks if you have to.

Thank yall for your reply. I had thought I was handling this well too, until last night when I dropped our little girl off for the first time. We have 50/50 custody. I of course cried all night, I felt like the biggest POS. We now live about an hour apart so I won't be seeing him much thankfully.
My GIDH and his sister's father committed suicide and they started making comments about me putting him in the same situation. That really shown me how shitty he is for threatening that, at the same time I know that is not an idle threat so it makes it that much harder. I have cut contact with his sister, she is very manipulative.
It's only a matter of time til my family is asking questions (small town) I honestly have no idea what I'm gonna tell them. I can't say he's gay because I don't have any proof besides my list of reasons lol. It's only been a little over 5 years that we've been together so it seems like I'm just throwing in the towel to early.
It's amazing how much he doesn't actually care about being done with me as much as what am I gonna tell everyone and what everyone will think. That post you had put a while back Kel hit the nail on the head. He just wants someone to go shopping with on the weekends and to look like the perfect family. He does not give a damn about me. He can put on an act all he wants and I'll look like the bad guy I guess but I know he's full of it. He still wants control too, I opened a new checking acct and he said he needed a little for Bills then turned around and asked me to take all of it out, ya know, just in case. I told him I took it all out but didn't. That's going toward my lawyer fund.
I wonder how long it will take for him to come out, or if he will take it to the grave.

Ten years ago, when my sister was pregnant with her first child (and my ex and I had 3 kids), we found out that she and her then husband had made a will, and that it specified that if anything happened to both she and her husband, their child was to go to a couple they were friends with.  I.Was.LIVID. There were three siblings she could have chosen between on our side, both sets of parents were still alive, and my brother-in-law also had a sister whom he could have chosen.  We sat down with my sister to talk over their decision, and to put into words our concern, fears and offended hearts. And you know what? She didn't give us an explanation. There had to be one - plenty, actually.  Each person in our family would need to be ruled out - namely my husband and I with three kids.  And she didn't do that.  Instead, she said, "I know you're not happy with this, and I can't say that I blame you.  But this isn't personal - we chose who we thought was best equipped to do the job if necessary.  There is no way for us to describe this to you in a way that you will agree with or won't be hurt by. So we are not going to attempt to do that. Instead, we will say that we have every confidence that we're doing the best thing for us and our needs, and that it's our right to do so.  I'm sorry if you're hurt - that is definitely not our intention."  PERIOD.

She conveyed several things to us in that little speech:
1. This is not up for debate
2) You can feel about it however you want to feel - it's not going to change anything
3) I get why you're feeling the way you do
4) It's our life - we don't owe you an explanation that you'll understand or agree with
5) This is completely our right to do
6) We're sorry that you're feeling upset, because that's not our intention.

WHAT can a person say after that? NOTHING. You have just been told that you can carry on and cry and shout and any other thing you thought maybe would work, but it WON'T work. Took the wind right out of our sails.  When people are voicing their opinions on what you should or shouldn't do, it's because they think that you're still open to suggestion, and that they can potentially change your mind. Once it becomes clear that that's not what they're dealing with, they have two options: accept it, or reject it. That's why people so often say that after a tragedy, they see who their real friends are - they are the ones who say, "This is your life, and I love you, and I'm here for you." You can handle the people who are like, "Well, this situation sucks, but it's not MY situation, and whatever you want to do is fine."  What you can't accept is a person who constantly judges you for your decision - who is telling you how you can undo that decision, how that decision is wrong, etc.  Those are the people you cut out or limit input from. Because what would be the point - to torture yourself and them?

You do not owe people outside of the relationship an explanation of why you've decided to make a major life change. Let that ruminate for a bit.  You need to tell your children that the relationship is ending, because it's also part of their lives. But you don't need to say "I found him with porn" or "he doesn't give me the physical intimacy I need."  You can say, "We are unable to give the other person what they need. It's just not working, and I'm tired of banging my head against the wall. This is not a snap decision - I've tried long and hard to make this work. At this point, I've come to the realization that it cannot."  Now..... if it's your parents or  siblings that you're telling, they will press for more info.  And you know what? YOU DON'T OWE THEM THAT.  You can give it to them if you want, but that's your choice.  Instead, you can say, "I don't want to get into it all because it's private and between my husband and I. I don't need people outside of the marriage to have details only reserved for the people inside the marriage. So I'm going to keep that information to myself.  Suffice it to say that the decision has been made.  I'm not HAPPY about the decision, but I feel it's necessary for our future happiness."  THE.END.

You are an adult - one who isn't 19 years old and just trying out a relationship. This is your life, you are a grown-ass adult, and you have every right to make a decision about your own relationships and commitments. You do not need their buy-in to make said decisions. And thank GOD.

You are as free as you decide and proclaim yourself to be in this situation. Truly.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (March 15, 2018 10:43 am)