Trust your gut on this.  Being your spouses accountablity partner is not a healthy position to be in.  You will be focusing on his recovery process instead of tending to your own healing.  He needs to carry his own bag, take responsiblity for his addiction and make life better for himself.  He has to do right by matching promises to his actions over and over again.  He has to really want a better future.

When trust has been violated in such a way there is no simple fix.    When the addiction is removed, unless the addict really does some hard work, the compulsion either resurfaces or comes out in another unhealthy way.  Overcoming this is his responsiblity to figure out.  Understanding why is up to him and him alone. You do not need to be traumatized any further by this.

My H did the work but his attraction to men, unhappiness and brokenness are still there 10 years later.  None of his comments or sly communications with gay men builds any sort of safe in our relationship.  This has felt like one of those carnival rides that spins you in a circle, you enter it feeling as if you will be taken somewhere better but step off only to realize you landed where you were years ago but with dizziness and nausea now.  I can't say if it will be the same for you but this is what I know.

In the end you must set some strong boundaries but please don't fall into his troubles taking a higher priority over your journey forward. You are important and must always be treated as if you matter.  good luck.

-Detour

detour wrote:

Trust your gut on this.  Being your spouses accountablity partner is not a healthy position to be in.  You will be focusing on his recovery process instead of tending to your own healing.  He needs to carry his own bag, take responsiblity for his addiction and make life better for himself.  He has to do right by matching promises to his actions over and over again.  He has to really want a better future.

When trust has been violated in such a way there is no simple fix.    When the addiction is removed, unless the addict really does some hard work, the compulsion either resurfaces or comes out in another unhealthy way.  Overcoming this is his responsiblity to figure out.  Understanding why is up to him and him alone. You do not need to be traumatized any further by this.

My H did the work but his attraction to men, unhappiness and brokenness are still there 10 years later.  None of his comments or sly communications with gay men builds any sort of safe in our relationship.  This has felt like one of those carnival rides that spins you in a circle, you enter it feeling as if you will be taken somewhere better but step off only to realize you landed where you were years ago but with dizziness and nausea now.  I can't say if it will be the same for you but this is what I know.

In the end you must set some strong boundaries but please don't fall into his troubles taking a higher priority over your journey forward. You are important and must always be treated as if you matter.  good luck.

-Detour

Detour,
Im so glad you replied to me. Your post shows my fears for our future. And every fear I have had so far has come true. My gut has been correct the whole time.

Thank you for your support. Im not going to be his accountability person. I wanted to say no right away cause it seems wrong. 

Take care and thanks again

Duped wrote:

Tyurk wrote:

Im angry at myself right now and im sure some of you are too. Im trying to get there. Its so hard.

 
Angry FOR you Tyurk, never AT you...we are on YOUR side here because we understand all the mindspin and the confusion and how they twist and draw you back in. We are here to support you through that and hopefully out the other side.

Post as much as you need to get through this,

Thank you!!!! Youare a huge support! I cant say it enough.

I find myself posting similiar posts. And then im like come on lady we did this 2 weeks ago. Im on the merry go round.

No, no, no, No, NO.  Absoeffinglutely NOT.

YOU cannot be the accountability partner. He cannot (and will not) be completely honest with you about temptations and behavior because it will hurt you if he does. Any slip-up cannot be reported without threatening the relationship. Therefore it fosters lying.

Also, you cannot possibly relate to his issues, so you can be of no real help. His issues would disgust you on top of threatening the relationship. He needs someone for whom this issue is familiar and conquered. Period.

This individual needs to be coming at him with questions, problem solving, and tools of accountability.  In this case, that would mean computer reporting programs, on top of other such tools.  If YOU were ask him to see his computer history every day, he'd accuse you of not trusting him, which put the ball back in YOUR court to prove your love for him. That's not how this is supposed to work.  You SHOULD have access to his history, but you should not be in the position of chasing him for his information, as an accountability partner would be.

A partner would call no bullshit.  He'd not listen to excuses about the behavior or account for the behavior of others involved in the scenario.  He would not, for instance, allow for poor behavior due to any poor behavior on the part of the spouse.  If you are the spouse, he will be throwing YOUR behaviors into the mix as part of why he's failing. You cannot have that.  There is no excuse for this behavior if he's decided that he doesn't want it in his life.  Period.

YOU CANNOT be his accountability partner in this issue.  Ideally, a spouse is never the accountability partner in ANY issues where one is needed.  Even when the issue is alcohol and both parties have suffered through and conquered addiction, their lives are too intertwined to allow for proper support since they suffer through life trials simultaneously.

You cannot and would not be a good accountability partner for him. He knows this. He's proposing it precisely because he figures it will appear that he's willing to give something up and give it up to you.  It's not real. If he were being real here and he were truly interested in accountability, he'd hammer out a plan with someone who can help him, and he'd tell you what the plan is - daily accountability, looking at computer history, coming up with a plan as the challenges morph.  YOU cannot do ANY of those things for him.  He knows that.  And you know it, too.

Reject his offer.  Tell him that if he's serious about change, he'll find a partner that you can meet with initially, and that the three of you can come up with a game plan. If he's not willing to do this and do so transparently, he's not serious about fixing the issue - he's only serious about appearing to be fixing the issue.  Which means nothing.

Kel