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March 11, 2018 3:26 am  #1


Wives of CD/Tran/Bi...

I feel we need a thread to discuss this specific type of GID. Or whatever it is. Its not easy to find eachother on here exactly. I appreciate everyone's input on here and im not trying to exclude anyone from this thread.just trying to have a place we can easily find eachother. I found myself searching through all the threads to find others with a story closer to mine.

So,ill start by saying how thankful I am to have support here. I may not have ever been able to accept the truth without the support. Knowing im not crazy.

My husband expressed his interest in anal penetration and CD 7 years ago. I tried to participate to make him happy and pleased so he would not stray. What I didnt know at the time was he had a raging porn addiction. All Trans.

He hasnt been with a man yet. But he lusts after it very hard. He still has the porn addiction but now knows/admits he is Bi. He contacted a CD online 7 years ago, talking about blow jobs. Thats how I caught him. He claims the addiction lead to reaching out to a man. He hasnt done that again,  that I know of. And I am a pretty good detective now.

Through much struggle and consistent pushing on my part and finally filing for divorce, has he admitted he is Bi.

He is in therapy for the addiction. He wants me to stay. Says he would choose a life with me over ever experiencing a man. If I stay he wont indulge in his Bi side. If I leave, he will. He has told me this. How sick is this? Is this just me? I feel im just holding him back. He claims I am what he wants over that experience. Can I believe it?

Last edited by Tyurk (March 11, 2018 3:31 am)

 

March 11, 2018 7:16 am  #2


Re: Wives of CD/Tran/Bi...

Tgurk,

So sorry.  I have no experience with a remorseful spouse. I can offer some perspective from the opposite scenario...

My GX filed for the divorce.   No remorse.  Her filing was, then ,more gaslighting...ie no need to admit she was gay, no need to admit she was having an affair, she could say or imply I did something wrong.

It mattered little to me..  I was weeks away from filing...
As you I was "a pretty good detective"....and I was tired of it.  What kind of spouse and best friend makes their partner play detective...it was not love..it was trauma...

TGT is an evil thing...(and I mean that not in a religious context or hating gay people but in the context of being married to a straight spouse)...there are no take backs.

What proofs can they offer if they want you back that it has stopped?
If they go out with a friend is it 2 friends getting together or a date? Are they shopping or having sex?   I would shake with trauma with my GX keeping me guessing..she finally resorting to straight friend picking her up to deliver her to gay friend. So not only did my GX not love me and cheat on me but she had a really low opinion of my intelligence..and thus me.  And she had her friends in league supporting her.  All like I was some horrible husband.

Again this was a remorseless spouse.  If she had lied to me and said she broke off contact with her gay friend I would have had to constantly check...and I knew I couldn't sustain doing that..I could not live a perpetual beggar.


I know that doesn't answer your questions..just though I would give perspective from someone with a spouse that acted quite the opposite way..

A kind e-hug and wishes of strength and fortitude.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

March 11, 2018 7:59 am  #3


Re: Wives of CD/Tran/Bi...

Tyurk,
    I read over your posts.  I see that you have been married 9 years, and that your spouse disclosed to you his interest in cross dressing after 2 years of marriage, and in the last 7 years he's progressed from cross dressing to tranny porn to contacting a man to asking you to penetrate him anally.  This represents a clear progression and escalation, with him continually pushing the boundaries, moving the goal posts, and you accommodating him while spending your mental energy on trying to "understand" so you can help "fix" him.  Stop spending your time "diagnosing" his problem (porn addiction, etc).  Diagnosing him, naming the problem, is nothing but the illusion of control, with the mirage of a healthy marriage shimmering in the future.
   This, unfortunately, is what we do, and it is harmful to us.  We somehow hope that if we can understand them, they can be "fixed."  They can't be fixed.  It's their sexual orientation and who they are.  They are not satisfied with a heterosexual life and relationship.  I've written a number of posts to you, and laid out my experience and given you information about autogynephilia; so you already know what i think about the cross dressing, porn, etc, and about your situation. 
    The best thing you can do for yourself (and your children!) is to end the marriage and stay as far away from him as you can.  He is not healthy for you; he is a disordered person and the only person who can sort him out is him.  This is a hard realization to come to--I had to come to it, too, and I kept thinking we were in it together, so of course I should/could help him, but finally I realized that only he can work on himself, and he'd shown me time and time again he wasn't interested in doing that.  He wanted everything on his terms, and he also wanted me to stay immersed in him and keep all my focus on him. It's a sick dynamic and unhealthy for us, even a form of emotional abuse, as its result is that we are worn down and demoralized and doubt ourselves and learn to continue to put them first, even as they cause us pain (and know they are).  
   If you have filed for divorce, which is the healthiest and most self-protective move you could make, you need to stop thinking about his "condition" or desires.  If he's trying to get you to stay it's not because he loves you, it's because he wants his closet.  He wants the marriage for his own purposes; he doesn't want what is best for you.  Shut that shit down.
   You don't file for divorce in order to force a confession out of your spouse (ow he admits he's "bi"), or in hopes of changing his behavior or altering the dynamic in your marriage.  You file for divorce because you want to end the marriage. 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (March 11, 2018 8:05 am)

 

March 11, 2018 10:06 am  #4


Re: Wives of CD/Tran/Bi...

delete

Last edited by Lynne (February 27, 2019 6:50 pm)

 

March 11, 2018 10:32 am  #5


Re: Wives of CD/Tran/Bi...

"As you I was "a pretty good detective"....and I was tired of it.  What kind of spouse and best friend makes their partner play detective...it was not love..it was trauma...

TGT is an evil thing...(and I mean that not in a religious context or hating gay people but in the context of being married to a straight spouse)...there are no take backs.

What proofs can they offer if they want you back that it has stopped?
If they go out with a friend is it 2 friends getting together or a date? Are they shopping or having sex?   I would shake with trauma with my GX keeping me guessing..she finally resorting to straight friend picking her up to deliver her to gay friend. So not only did my GX not love me and cheat on me but she had a really low opinion of my intelligence..and thus me.  And she had her friends in league supporting her.  All like I was some horrible husband."

Rob,
Wow, Im so sorry for what you went through. These parts of your post are sticking to me. My strength waivers too much. I need these posts to help me keep going.

Also, my spouses family is mad at me and it sucks. I did nothing wrong. And they are treating me like somebad wife as well. They cant understand why this is a problem?!

     Thread Starter
 

March 11, 2018 10:39 am  #6


Re: Wives of CD/Tran/Bi...

OutofHisCloset wrote:

 
    The best thing you can do for yourself (and your children!) is to end the marriage and stay as far away from him as you can.  He is not healthy for you; he is a disordered person and the only person who can sort him out is him.  This is a hard realization to come to--I had to come to it, too, and I kept thinking we were in it together, so of course I should/could help him, but finally I realized that only he can work on himself, and he'd shown me time and time again he wasn't interested in doing that.  He wanted everything on his terms, and he also wanted me to stay immersed in him and keep all my focus on him. It's a sick dynamic and unhealthy for us, even a form of emotional abuse, as its result is that we are worn down and demoralized and doubt ourselves and learn to continue to put them first, even as they cause us pain (and know they are).  
   If you have filed for divorce, which is the healthiest and most self-protective move you could make, you need to stop thinking about his "condition" or desires.  If he's trying to get you to stay it's not because he loves you, it's because he wants his closet.  He wants the marriage for his own purposes; he doesn't want what is best for you.  Shut that shit down.
   You don't file for divorce in order to force a confession out of your spouse (ow he admits he's "bi"), or in hopes of changing his behavior or altering the dynamic in your marriage.  You file for divorce because you want to end the marriage. 

OOHC,

I know you are SO right. I hate when im doubting myself. Why havent these waves of doubt passed yet? I feel stupid. I filed, then got scared and let it be dismissed. When im low like this you guys really keep me focused on reality. You have been so full of information and support for me. Thank you! The Autogenephelia was something completely new I had never heard of. And it is how he started for sure.

I hope you are doing ok too, OOHC.

Take care

     Thread Starter
 

March 11, 2018 10:44 am  #7


Re: Wives of CD/Tran/Bi...

JenS wrote:

I do not have a CD/trans situation on my hands, but  OOHC's post above is applicable to my situation except that GID behaviors (as applicable) would need to be substituted for terms related to CD, trans behavior. Another difference is that, instead of allowing me to help him figure it out (or purporting to allow me to "help him"), mine added in heavy doses of gaslighting and denial of reality and delusion (when confronted) and, later, some escalating verbal and low grade physical abuse as he began to lose control of his family.  This would be like saying:  "What do you mean I cross dress?  You saw nothing.  You need to adjust your perception of reality."   AKA a mind fuck.    I hope it's okay if I keep reading/posting here.   I won't comment on the specifics of the CD/Trans situation. Thanks for the post OOHC.  It's excellent. 

JenS,
You are more than welcome to post about what you need. I didn't want to exclude anyone. Im glad you reached out. Thank you! The mindfuckery these people give us is diabolical! Im so sorry he is trying to alter your reality and truth. We need ro be strong enough to trust ourselves. No matter what BS they give us. Years of trauma  breaks you down. We have to build ourselves back up.

Take care. Hope to hear from you again.

     Thread Starter
 

March 11, 2018 10:46 am  #8


Re: Wives of CD/Tran/Bi...

Lynne wrote:

Tyurk wrote:

He is in therapy for the addiction. He wants me to stay. Says he would choose a life with me over ever experiencing a man. If I stay he wont indulge in his Bi side. If I leave, he will. He has told me this. How sick is this? Is this just me? I feel im just holding him back. He claims I am what he wants over that experience. Can I believe it?

Tyurk,  He has the emotional intelligence of a child.  He's playing you just like a 3rd grader would play his mother to try to get his way.  Do you want to spend your life being the mother to an adult that thinks and acts like an immature, manipulative child?  Keep moving forward with your plans to get away from this abuse.

Lynne,

Thats what my gut says. Its like, wtf?!?! Some kind of manipulation. And whats more, I cant believe im stupid enough to let these words shake my resolve. I feel so weak sometimes and no way away from my weakness. Ugghh..

     Thread Starter
 

March 11, 2018 11:06 am  #9


Re: Wives of CD/Tran/Bi...

Deleted

Last edited by Duped (August 28, 2019 1:47 pm)

 

March 11, 2018 11:06 am  #10


Re: Wives of CD/Tran/Bi...

Tyurk wrote:

Also, my spouses family is mad at me and it sucks. I did nothing wrong. And they are treating me like somebad wife as well. They cant understand why this is a problem?!

Do they know everything or just your spouses version of events? He's already trying to make what happens to him as being your responsibility by your leaving or staying. Why wouldn't he be crying 'woe is me' to others? Another possibility might be that your in-laws see his 'inclination' as a 'sickness' that can be cured, even though studies suggest conversion doesn't work. Or are they focused on the porn addiction as being the only problem?

Sadly, after going through our individual circumstances, many of us have lost people we considered as family. Unfortunately there is little you can do about it.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

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