OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum » Kill my hope

laurel · March 8, 2018 4:11 pm

Hello all,

So, I am a man and its been three weeks since my girlfriend of 5 years left me. We had just moved in together a year ago, we both had new jobs and were doing well. In the past we had struggled with living apart and making money. Everything seemed to finally be working out. Then at the end of January she told me she had developed feelings for a colleague, a 47 year old woman. We are both 28. It hurt to hear this but she said she was confused and scared and said she didn't want to lose me and couldn't picture her life without me. She had never been with a woman before.

We tried to do an open relationship, but before her first date with the woman, I lost my nerve and said we shouldn't be in contact. She moved out of the apartment and we went on a no-contact break for 2 weeks. I wound up breaking contact a couple times and she told me she had been sleeping with the woman, but she still wasn't sure what she wanted. After 2 weeks had passed, we spoke and she broke up with me. She essentially moved in with this woman and I have no choice but to move out of our apartment.

It's been three weeks since she finally broke it off, and mostly I have maintained no contact. But this week, I slipped up and we wound up talking. She is officially with the woman. The woman has even divorced her husband who she had been estranged from for many years. My girlfriend says she still loves me and thinks about me and worries about me constantly, but she says for now there is no hope for us at the moment and that I have to move on. She refuses to say there is no hope for the future, she says she doesn't know what will happen, and she even said she still isn't sure if she's made the right choice, but she has to take the risk and pursue her relationship with the woman.

I am making plans to move on. We have stopped communicating. It has been extremely painful and sometimes I am overcome with grief, jealousy, and bitterness. I miss her so much. I know she has given me very little hope, but the little she has given me torments me. She doesn't say she is a dyed-in-the-wool lesbian and she will never be with a man again. She seems uncertain, which is understandable, but I just can't can't keep hoping that she will realize she's made a mistake, or she is going through a phase, and she will come back to me. I cannot help but think that this relationship between them will not work out because of the age gap or that all of this is about her own anxiety about getting older or something other than just her sexuality and somehow we can get back together. Please kill my hopes. Thank you for reading.

Duped · March 8, 2018 4:23 pm

So sorry you’re hurting Laurel. We will try and help you here.

Your ex gf seems to be following the usual pattern of keeping you in the wings whilst she moves into her lesbian life, of course it’s easier for her if she has you waiting to catch her as she negotiates her scary new life or if this woman breaks her heart she has you ready and waiting to catch her like a faithful laborador (or fool).

How would you feel if she had moved into a relationship with another man that she was bowled over by but had asked you to wait around in case it didn’t work out? I guess you’d have told her to shove it (despite the hurt) that’s what anyone with pride and self-esteem would do. How is this any different?

My advice is to cut ties, let her swim or drown on her own, yes it’s incredibly painful but sometimes that’s just how it is. She left you for someone else, moreover it was a woman. Let her go, don’t let her use you. Show her she doesn’t get to use you as a back up plan, that is darn insulting to the love you’ve shown her.

Kel · March 8, 2018 4:37 pm

Hi Laurel.

I'm so sorry. I agree with Duped wholeheartedly, though. This really is no different than if she'd fallen in love with a man and left you for him and were living with him and sleeping with him right now. What you're doing is hoping that she'll decide that she really doesn't want the lesbian thing after all, and then she'll come back to you as the default man. That may or may not happen, but I can guarantee you that if it does (and you accept her back), she'll do this again. The first time's the hardest - she already knows then that if she broke it off again for someone new (or a repeat attempt at the relationship she's currently in) that you'll take her back again then. Less to lose than it was this time. A LOT of the men on this board have gone through your exact scenario. She'll bounce back into your life if it doesn't work out with the other woman, but instead of just telling you that's what she's doing, she'll tell you that she's decided she's not really gay after all. Then you'll go through a cycle of wash, rinse, repeat.

Do yourself a favor and move on. Of COURSE she can't promise you anything about the future - who can? What she's doing is setting up a back-up plan for herself - even if she knows that she doesn't love you the way she should love her partner. Because it makes her feel comfortable.

What you need to do is be angry and insulted that she left you for someone else. And be thankful that she did it now, before you have kids and property and it turned into a clusterf*ck. Run like your hair's on fire, buddy. You can find love again. You may not feel like that's what you want to do, but you will someday. And you'll be glad that this ended when it did. Just move on.

When I was with my gay ex, I just kept hanging around, waiting for him to suddenly show more desire and passion towards me. It.never.happened. Now that I'm remarried and have the kind of love I've always dreamed of, I will NEVER settle for less than someone who would move the earth to be with me. It makes alllll the difference. You don't want to live without that for the rest of your life. Trust me.

Kel

laurel · March 8, 2018 4:52 pm

Thank you Kel & Duped, of course I do suspect that she is just keeping me in the wings and trying to keep the door open while she goes on with her relationship. And I do intend to move on and find someone new. But as of this moment, I am frightened that if she did come back, I probably wouldn't have the strength to turn her away. I do doubt that that would happen anyway. And to be fair, she has not broken contact except to speak about the logistics of moving out of our apartment. Its only when I've confronted her that she's shown any ambivalence.

To be honest, I do think there is a fundamental difference between what shes' done and if she had gone off with a man, and I told her so. If she is truly a lesbian, that is a fundamental shift in her identity, and she has needs that I couldn't possibly satisfy. When I allowed her to pursue the relationship, my hope was that it was a phase or a mistake or just something she could get out of her system and that our relationship would recover. I'm sure a lot of people delude themselves in this way. But my thought is that it hurts that she is with another person, but that other person could not be me.

Last edited by laurel (March 8, 2018 4:53 pm)

phoenix · March 8, 2018 5:49 pm

Hi Laurel,

Welcome to the group. You've gotten some great advice already and I echo what they have said.
I understand completely that you still love her and wish that you could be with her. It's painful to lose someone when it's not your decision to make. I went through the same.

While it might not make you feel better, I would encourage you to consider that she had done you a huge favor by breaking up with you now and pursuing her true self. She also did it with honesty and compassion by telling you about her feelings and it would seem she waited to sleep with the other lady until after you and she had broken up. Think about how much harder this could have been for you if you'd gotten married and built a life and family together and if she had indeed cheated on you.

Give yourself some time to heal. Love is slow to die. But in time you will move on and be even happier.

Anyway, welcome to our group! Please let us know what we can do to help.

OutofHisCloset · March 8, 2018 7:50 pm

You aren't a mattress she gets to cushion a fall with.
You aren't Plan B.
You aren't a doormat who can be walked all over.
But all these are what she's trying to make you into.
People do not respect their mattresses or their doormats; they simply use them. Do not let yourself be used.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (March 8, 2018 7:51 pm)

Kel · March 8, 2018 9:41 pm

I do get what you're saying, Laurel. If she truly is gay, then no man can satisfy her, and it would be pointless to try. But if she's NOT..... then there's still a shot that it might be you. I do get that - it's part of why we struggle so much with the gay thing - because if we can get a solid answer on the gay thing, it makes all the difference.

But I still like what OutofHisCloset has said; You aren't Plan B.

Now maybe,... just maybe.... she was feeling like she owed it to herself to go out there and try this on for size while she was still just dating. No better time than now, before more commitments and obligations come into the mix. I get that. And I get that you want her to have that - for HER sake. But if you flip the coin over, the other side is that she's willing to lose you over something so uncertain, then she just doesn't have enough feeling for you for you to hold out hope for the relationship.

Many of us feel like in the beginning, if they came back, we wouldn't be able to resist. We just miss them so badly. And we didn't want to end the relationship, so we figure if we can have back what we wanted all along, then we'd jump at the chance. I totally get that. But the game has changed. Who you want back isn't the same woman as she was before she left. It's an entirely different person in a lot of very important ways. You want back the woman you knew and loved. That woman might not actually exist anymore.

Keep coming by.

Kel

Duped · March 9, 2018 2:12 am

It may feel like there’s a difference that she left for a woman but that doesn’t give it some sort of free pass to being resolvable. To me it’s even more unresolvable - if she came back you are going to forever wonder what happened, why women, why now, when is the next one, what is really going on with my gfs sexuality and needs. And you are probably never going to be able to forget what she’s done. It’s a lose lose situation.

I do understand that you have hope at this stage, you are hurt and in some denial and shock - it’s a process, a painful one, but we will try and help you through it. Be gentle with yourself.

Last edited by Duped (March 9, 2018 2:14 am)

Lyonene · March 9, 2018 12:36 pm

Laurel,

You should never be second choice. You deserve to be first choice. This applies to any configuration of relationship situation. Man, woman, whatever, if you aren't first choice, consider it no choice at all and move on. You need to be valued, treasured, held up above all others.

28 is still very young. You've got a lot coming in life via time and experiences. Make it the best for you. You've got the opportunity to dodge this bullet with minimal damage. You don't want this to be a circumstance of 17 yrs gone by, 3 children involved, lawyers, and the financial woes that all entails.

Be strong, recognize this pain is temporary, count your lucky stars this came out now and not yrs down the road, understand your value and demand that you be valued by others.

As Jen says - keep going! You're on the right track.

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