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August 11, 2016 7:23 am  #1


the saga continues ... my horrific ex

My ex and I saw a parenting coordinator tonight together for the first time. We each saw her once alone last week. This is a person who is a licensed mental health professional and has completed training through the legal system. We are working with her to come to agreement on custody and parenting issues.

The hardest thing to hear my ex say when asked why he couldn't tell my 13 yr old daughter that she needs to respect me and understand I am her mother and we are a parenting team that she cannot divide and conquer, was this ... He said he could not say that because he cannot be sure that what I am doing or how I am parenting is actually something he agrees with or thinks is safe.

When I explained that I have no desire to get back together, have accepted what's happened, and want to be able to talk about our kids because it will be so much better for them if they see us getting along, I am told that I need to learn to parent on my own and not ask for his help. How incredibly condescending. I am not asking for your help jackass, I'm trying to communicate with you about our kids. I know how to parent. I'm doing the best I can as a single mother of three kids. You know nothing about being a single parent. I don't need your advice. You can keep giving that out to your patients while you can't see past the end of your own nose, you hypocrite.

Finally, I learned that my eldest had expressed suicidality to him many months back and he chose not to tell me. Because I am the cause of those urges. I was crushed.

I am treated over and over to a narrative in which I am the bad parent and always have been. I can't be trusted. I overreacted by experiencing grief, depression, and anger when my partner of 20 years announced he would divorce me, having never once mentioned it previously. Where is the narrative about the fact that he had a new partner within 6 weeks of leaving me, moved in with him, introduced him to my traumatized, shocked children, and lied to us all about his sexuality for years on end? Why does he always paint it as if he is the parenting professional, stable person in our relationship, and best person to be with our children? And also I was a horrible wife who was dependent and crazy, even though he never once mentioned to me in 20 years that he was unhappy, wanted me to change, etc.

I am so tired of this bullshit. I cannot believe the way in which he has turned his own unforgivable, horrendous behavior, his betrayal of me and our children into something that is my fault. I hate him. I so so wish I'd never laid eyes on him.

And I know why the narrative stands as it is. Because he cannot bear to think of himself as someone who shattered his wife and his children. Because he is that fucking weak. Still, it hurts like hell. I am not perfect. I have made mistakes. But I don't deserve this. Thank you all for letting me vent. I cried so hard the whole way home I could barely see. Then I remembered: Sue, this isn't true. You are not a bad mom. You are not a horrible person. You are a human being who was devastated by another. Your reaction and your crashing were so mundanely normal. Fuck him.

Soon there will be a check coming monthly and I will fight for every penny he has. His lifestyle is about to change dramatically. Just as he changed mine when you fired me as a SAHM, forced me to lose my home, and took my dignity. I will fight you until you are reminded just what a bitch on wheels is. You fucked with the wrong woman's life and the wrong woman's children. I will be cordial. I will continue to take the higher ground and work to show our children I am ok and healing. And behind the scenes I will make sure you pay me what you owe me forever.

And I will look forward to that day when our children come to the realization that what you did was not in any way ok. While I stood by them and took the punches because I was their safe person. Fuck you, you absolute son of a bitch. Karma will be my cold dish of revenge. And I will find true love, because I deserve so much more than the fakery and lies you served up. You almost had me believing that I was an awful, fucked up, hysterical, unbalanced mess, and indeed, always had been. But you lie. You built your entire adult life on a scaffold of denial and untruths. So why would you tell the truth about me? You are the fucked up one. And you can't gaslight me anymore. I won't allow you to destroy me or jade me. I see light at the end of this tunnel and will shout for joy the day I finally have my name back. I am a survivor. I am a good, kind, human, normal person. There is life after you and it's actually better than life with you ever was.

I'm rising. So watch your step.

Last edited by Sue (August 11, 2016 7:23 am)


"You want a man who messes up your lipstick, not your mascara."
 

August 11, 2016 7:42 am  #2


Re: the saga continues ... my horrific ex

Sue,
Don't let him get into your head, easier said than done, trust me, I know. They are lying cowards who couldn't tell the truth if their life depended on it. Karma will indeed come around. I'm watching that very thing happen now. When I finally kicked mine to the curb, he tried all kinds of disgusting tricks to get my daughter on his side, all lies, and thankfully she's a strong and very outspoken young woman who saw right through his b.s. and told him so. He singlehanded destroyed any chance of a relationship with her. We are strong, we will survive. And thrive.

 

August 11, 2016 9:11 am  #3


Re: the saga continues ... my horrific ex

That's the Sue I knew was in there!  Hell yes.  You are rising indeed. 

 

August 11, 2016 9:41 am  #4


Re: the saga continues ... my horrific ex

Sue - Thank you so much for your post.  You spoke volumes to so much that I too have experienced and felt.  You are absolutely right - you are not the f'd up one.  As you said, you are a good, kind, human, normal person, and you will continue to rise!

 

August 11, 2016 10:04 am  #5


Re: the saga continues ... my horrific ex

Go Sue! Go all of us! I love the final paragraphs where you found your anger, power and determination. Let's all put on our bitch boots (straight men too, you know you want to!) and show them they can never, never win. We didn't do anything wrong. Don't let them convince us otherwise.

 

August 11, 2016 10:06 am  #6


Re: the saga continues ... my horrific ex

Sue,

You.Are.The.BOMB.  Seriously, woman.  You see the big picture, and what he's done, and how that affected you, and how he used your REACTION to justify his original action.  It's complete bullshit.  I'm so sorry this has been done to you, but I'm so glad for the point you're at right now.  You can see him for who he is, you for who you are, and you know what you want and deserve out of your future.  You see the light.  Keep going toward it.

SO proud of you!!!

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

August 11, 2016 10:14 am  #7


Re: the saga continues ... my horrific ex

add strong to the list - good kind normal human and strong.  

that is tough yards.  

I just want to add I had some interaction with my ex recently.  He wants to get together and he treated me to one long long too long conversation in which nothing happened but I got bucketed with a honeyed charm.  I put the phone down, I felt fine, I started to think about it, how unaffected I am now and yet I can see how it must have bowled my 19 year old self over.  

 

August 11, 2016 10:28 am  #8


Re: the saga continues ... my horrific ex

Go Sue go!  Now that you are moving forward and seeing his blarney and BS for what it is...you will see it faster and clearer and you will see it coming at you the next time he tries to twist your mind. Pat yourself of the back and stay strong!


"No matter how hard the journey may be, remember to be kind to yourself..."
 

August 12, 2016 5:05 am  #9


Re: the saga continues ... my horrific ex

Thank you all, SO MUCH!

Much love,
Sue


"You want a man who messes up your lipstick, not your mascara."
     Thread Starter
 

August 12, 2016 5:39 am  #10


Re: the saga continues ... my horrific ex

Hi Sue,

Good for you ! 

This was good for your kids to see as well.

 

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