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March 3, 2018 2:29 am  #1


7 weeks and counting....

My husband is off his rocker.
I don't even know the person who is talking to me half the time. 
He talks and acts like a person I don't even recognize.
Making an affair relationship more of a priority than his children.

20 years of seeming to have a moral compass, all upside down and inside out.
And I question that compass now.... as he tells me I can't control his feelings or tell him what to do, or limit his relationship with his "boyfriend"....
I am beginning to believe his compass was my compass.
He has simply spent the last 20 years looking to me to make the right decision, and doing whatever it is that I've guided.
Not his compass. My compass. How can he follow my compass when it's me he's cheating on? 

What does it look like when your husband throws up all over your life? 
7 weeks of trying to figure out what it's going to take to not.loose.everything. 
In that 7 weeks, dropping 20+ pounds, losing interest in so many things that you found pleasure in before. 
Future dreams popping as fast as the bubbles burst that you blow with your 1yr old niece.  
Mixed Orientation Marriage? 
Allowing a side relationship for him? 
Accepting that when we are intimate, he's imaging a man?  

20 years of marriage. 4 kids (19 years and under). 
I've actually spent a fair amount of time thinking to myself, "if I knew this is how it would turn out, I would have chosen for none of it (including the children),....
I'm happy to say I have made it beyond that part.
And it is so painful to admit that I've had those thoughts.  

And when he puts something "on the table", and you finally reach the point of accepting it as the only option, he tells you that it is off the table.
Our future is diminished to co-parenting.
Sharing grandchildren (hopefully), together but separate.   

I feel you don't accept that I'm gay.
You don't support me.
Why are you so defensive (of the affair I'm having)?
The only way to fix "us" is to put "me" back in the closet.
It's different than what my dad did when he left, I'm gay. 

My favorite things are gone.
Laying in bed beside him, my head on his chest listening to his heart beat. Gone.
Now he sleeps in the guest bedroom (his choice, and he tells me he is happier this way).
My hand interlaced with his,... gone. 

I went on a walk this afternoon with my music blaring - Rolling in the Deep by Adele popped up in my playlist.
Flowers were in bloom and I smelled them before I saw them.
Spring is coming. 7 weeks ago we were 3 weeks into Winter. Now we're 3 weeks from Spring.

Legal Separation is our plan now. It feels okay, except for all the moments it doesn't.
Somewhere I read this, "It's all okay in the end, if it's not okay, it isn't the end."

Last edited by chasingshade (March 3, 2018 2:36 am)

 

March 3, 2018 4:15 am  #2


Re: 7 weeks and counting....

Wow.   

Welcome chasingshade. 

All of those feelings are valid.  Every single one of them.  I felt like I was reading my own thoughts, only not laid out so poetically.  My ex's moral compass turned completely upside down.  She turned into a person I didn't know.  I lost 21 lbs in 18 days (sadly I found them later).  My vision of the future was destroyed as well.  I was also asked to support her even though it was destroying myself.  I used to lay my head on her chest as well as listen to her heart.  That was my safe place, where I felt fully accepted and loved.  She also moved to the other room.  At first I missed her, then later I was happy she was gone.  

Though you didn't mention it, as I read your poem I thought about another memory that I had suppressed..  I remember how she would get angry at me because she didn't think I was accepting of her apologies.  Those apologies were void of emotion and not the least bit genuine of course.  I remember once saying that it would be hard to accept the apology of a bank robber who said they were sorry before robbing the bank.  

Anyway.. Welcome to the forum.  Thank you for sharing!   Let us know how we can help. 


 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

March 3, 2018 8:24 am  #3


Re: 7 weeks and counting....

Welcome chasingshade,
Welcome to the club no one wants to join, but glad you’ve found this, you will get lots of support here. I can tell you that your journey will be excruciating, but I can promise you will get through it and be even stronger for it. Sadly, you’ll find that the majority of our stories are similar, and follow the same playbook. I was married 30 years when the bomb dropped for me. The person I married actually never existed, it was all a facade. You absolutely don’t have to accept or support him, And he’s what we call gaslighting you, which is a form of emotional abuse, blaming and deflecting.I had myself twisted into so many pretzels before I figured out what was really happening.Would he accept you to be accepting of an affair with a woman?? Highly unlikely. He’s totally changed the game and just excepts you’ll go along with it?  He’s light years ahead of you in the game, and you’ll constantly be playing catch-up. Please stop having sex with him ASAP. And if you are getting a legal separation, I assume you have spoken to an attorney to protect you and your children. Keep posting, we are here.

 

March 3, 2018 9:40 am  #4


Re: 7 weeks and counting....

Chasingshade,

You don't owe him support. You owe yourself and your children support. Please do not be manipulated and guilted by his selfish narc antics. Take care of yourself and your kids. He's only concerning himself with himself. He's already moved on.

I'm so sorry you find yourself here. Keep talking. It helps.

Best to you.

 

March 3, 2018 11:09 am  #5


Re: 7 weeks and counting....

Thank you for your replies!
Reading your stories over the last month (as I stalked these boards),... I truly feel has helped me get to the point of, "I'm going to be okay." 

Of the last 7 weeks, I've spent the first 6 of them trying to figure out how to get my life back.
The life of pre-disclosure 2.0 that I "thought" I was living. 
Somehow I've turned a corner in the last week to (in the good moments), "this IS my life, what am I going to do with it." 

We've literally only really fought over one issue, and that is his relationship. 
This is my moral compass speaking.
We go through this transition as a family, if divorce is where we are headed, that's the direction we go.... after we've been divorced and you want a relationship, then you find a relationship. 
But he's had a "friend" supporting him in making his change (pushing the little bird out of the nest) since at least November.
Someone with bad intentions. A man that has been married to another man for at least 10 years.
IS still married to this other man (.."but they're going to get divorced"). 
My kids have learned from MY moral compass. NONE of that would be okay. 

You throw away your relationship with me, fine.
You throw away your relationship with them,..... for him? 
Off his rocker. 

I do want him to be happy above all else. 
If his happiness shatters what I thought was my happiness,... it's better than being in his closet.
Either of us. I just don't like being shoved out of the closet by a third person.
And my happiness has been built on lies for the last 4 years. 

One thing I am thinking I might need to do is go get my tubes tied while I am on his insurance.
We'll have to pay a bunch for it,... but at least part of the expense is his. 
I supported him through his procedure when we decided on "no more babies".
He's the one putting me in the position of one day (hopefully) having another relationship.
And I don't want more babies at 40+ years of age. 

He has no interest in sex with me anymore.
All these moments of "our relationship can stay the same if I can just go and have this relationship too..." 
Not on the table as an option anymore.
He sleeps there (his bedroom), I sleep here (my bedroom). 

 

Last edited by chasingshade (March 3, 2018 11:13 am)

     Thread Starter
 

March 3, 2018 12:10 pm  #6


Re: 7 weeks and counting....

Wow, the mind games he's playing here are incredible. It's good you can see them for what they are. Your moral compass was never his. Stay true to it, your children will notice. He's trying to modify it for his own benefit, not yours. Hang in there, small steps, keep reminders about for moments when you start to doubt yourself.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

March 3, 2018 10:46 pm  #7


Re: 7 weeks and counting....

jkpeace wrote:

I just read your last post, Chasing Shade:  The "other man" is not the problem here.  Your husband's choices are the problem.

My ex had a similar "other man"...25 years younger than he.  I used to spend time trying to find out more about this "other man".  It took time to process, but I know that the other person could have been anyone.  It was my ex's decisions that were the problem.  The other man could be anyone, and he's not important.  Your husband is the one whose choices are affecting you.  Your husband is 100% responsible for everything that he is doing.  Try not to waste any time at all thinking that the other man is the cause of this.

I remember, once, saying, "You think Charles (name has been changed) is someone amazing.  What he is is a person having an affair with a married man...unless he doesn't know that you're married.  If he doesn't know that you're married, then, he is just a person you are using.  Either you are using him or he's a horrible person for becoming involved with a married man.  You have lost your mind and lost your senses."  My ex (still husband, at that time), looked shocked that I thought his other person could have just been anyone...just a person with whom he chose to use bad judgment.  

Once, while we were still married, my ex even said, "Charles is the one who doesn't judge me.  He understands me."  I responded, "Charles who has no wife.  Charles who has no children.  Charles who has no idea that a family is being torn to shreds.  How wonderful that he understands you, with no judgment."  

The other person does not matter to your family.  Your husband's choices do matter.  Please, focus on yourself and your children.  The amount of stress you are all under is off the charts.  Some of your children will handle this better than others.  One of my sons (who was in high school, at the time), almost died of the stress.  He suffered what was caused a "traumatic collapse".  I was called to his school, in an emergency situation.  Please, find help.

By the way, all of us are much, much better, now.  It is just over 2 years since disclosure.  I have been divorced for almost a year.  You can do this.  You will find strength where you didn't know you had it.

I didn't mean to make this about the person on the other side of my husband's affair. My only point to that was, he could be receiving support on "coming out of the closet" by someone who was not having an affair with him. A neutral party. That is not the case. Yes, my husband is the one making his choices. And I feel devastated by them. For myself. For my children. For my children. For myself. 


 

     Thread Starter
 

March 3, 2018 10:48 pm  #8


Re: 7 weeks and counting....

jkpeace wrote:

One more thought:  Chasing Shade, you wrote, "And my happiness has been built on lies for the last 4 years."  He's lied to you for a whole lot more than 4 years.  May I ask why you say, "4 years"?

I say 4 years because I had some indication of this 4 years ago, and at that time, he asked for another chance and we worked through some of the issues... but not really. We should have been doing this 4 years ago,... I've allowed myself to be shoved back in his closet for the last 4 years. 
 

     Thread Starter
 

March 3, 2018 11:06 pm  #9


Re: 7 weeks and counting....

Well,   Here we are.  It really isn't fun is it!  I am 4 months in.  What a crazy roller coaster.  I still wish I had the girl I married.  I will never know if she was ever there to begin with.  It's hard.   Get a support network going.  Vent away!   You matter.   I lost 25 lbs or so too.  They have stayed off with ease.  I think I am still going through the shock of it all.  Try to stay healthy.  To be honest the gay spouse sucks.

 

March 4, 2018 4:31 pm  #10


Re: 7 weeks and counting....

Chasingshade,
Your post is heartbreaking.  Like JK said, you are in shock right now.  It will get better.  We are here to support you.  Many of us here have similar situations.  Mine left us last February (2017) after having an affair with the "love of his life."  We were married for 18 years and have 5 children.  Oldest is 17, youngest 8.  We are going through the process of divorce now.  It's been a nightmare.  My STBX created a whole world outside our marriage and family, one where I am the bad guy.  That I ruined his life and trust.  It's simple projection.  He knew he was gay, but pretended to be straight.  Had me completely fooled.  I could not have given more of myself than I did, I loved him.  It's devastating how little that meant to him. 

In these early days, take care of yourself.  Those small things you can do for yourself really add up.  Keep posting.  Vent, ask questions, whatever you need. 
 

 

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