Dear Weeping Willow,
Welcome to this site.  I'm so sorry to hear about the pain and heartbreak and confusion you've been experiencing.  When the day comes when they move, you may feel a sense of relief; or you may feel profound shock.  Either way, I want to encourage you to keep posting here.  You are going to be ok.  What are your next steps?  Are you staying in your same place?  Sometimes just making those everyday choices can be what gets you through the day.  There were many, many days that all I did was keep breathing.  And take care of the kids.  Then I could do a little more.  Keep posting.  All the best to you. 

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Last edited by Duped (August 28, 2019 1:51 pm)

Hi Willow,

I do understand your feelings.  At the same time, what I was left with after reading your initial post was that you seem to feel no anger over the fact that he didn't tell you about his identity before he got into an involved relationship.  You are likely seeing it as "and then, he revealed his authentic truth to me", while I'm seeing it as "and then, he revealed to me that he'd been lying to me all along".  The former would put you in a place of supporting him emotionally.  The latter would put you in a place of wanting to distance yourself from him.  Just some food for thought.

The other thing that really bugs me is that after telling you that he'd been lying to you all along, he went online and told everyone else what was going on.  He did this (I assume) without telling you he was doing so.  And he did it before you had even ONE solid day to process it and the ending of your relationship.  That tells me that he knew for a long time who he was, and that he wanted to change things, and had a plan to come out to everyone.  People don't just do things like that on a whim.  They can take YEARS to muster the courage to get there.  Which means that he knew all along what he was doing, and he didn't get any thought to how it would all affect YOU?  He just went out skipping out into the field of "the new me!" and left you all alone to grieve and be his P.R.manager?  I'm sorry hon, but that's deplorable.  Truly.

I would have a very hard time having a friendship with someone who did anything like this to me.  I would really need to examine whether my need for a friendship is just a way for me to have a "slow release" so the end of the relationship doesn't feel too jarring.  I'd be furious that he'd lied to me all along, and then left me to do damage control on TOP of processing and grieving.  What kind of friend does THAT and is still considered a friend?  The end of the relationship really wasn't your choice.  You may see it that way, because you both mutually chose to end the relationship.  But what happened is that he finally revealed a deal-breaker to you - looooong after a decent person would have / should have done so.  He waited until you were good and hooked on him to do so - the up the chances that you'd walk away.  You didn't choose to walk away from HIM - you chose to walk away from a lesbian relationship - because you aren't a lesbian.  It was a no-go for you.  It would have been  no matter who it would have been.  And if he'd told you within your first few conversation that he was trans, you likely would have walked away then - because that's not something you can do.  It would not have brought you happiness because it would not be meeting your needs.  But now, after growing accustomed to being a couple and having someone to rely on, you naturally want to keep him in your life in some way, shape or form - because you cannot imagine just never communicating with him again.  That's natural - but not necessarily healthy.  He's used you and then hung you out for the vultures to pick at.  That is NOT someone I'd want to keep as a friend.  He's proved that he was lying to you, and that he'll not take you into consideration when making important decisions.  He is not likely to suddenly change that.  Hence I'd make the decision to completely cut him out of my life.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Kel

Kel says: "At the same time, what I was left with after reading your initial post was that you seem to feel no anger over the fact that he didn't tell you about his identity before he got into an involved relationship.  You are likely seeing it as "and then, he revealed his authentic truth to me", while I'm seeing it as "and then, he revealed to me that he'd been lying to me all along".

Willow,

I'm going to agree with Kel, I picked up on the same thing reading your post. You might feel open to friendship right now, but don't be surprised if your attitude changes the more shock wears off and your true thoughts and feelings surface.

Because of that, take it slow. Allow yourself the time you need to really assimilate the whole situation without shock dimming your thoughts and feelings. I'm not saying you can't be friends, perhaps you can. What I am saying is give yourself some time beforehand to really make sure. If the situation runs standard course, you're going to potentially feel very different down the line, and extracting yourself from a friendship later will merely complicate and drag things out.

I'm so sorry you find yourself here, but it's a wonderful group at the same time.

Best to you.

F. Him.
Would you allow a friend to treat you this way?