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February 24, 2018 2:13 am  #1


Help Me Please......Doubt

Talked to my husband he agreed to separation/divorce. Loves me always will. But I am doubting myself ....again. So at the age of 63 years old and 43 years married this is what I know for sure and my husband has admitted to:

1. Claims our sexless marriage for 10 years was due to both of our lack of communication And that he really does have ED,  and it was not an excuse not to have sex with me. And I do see where he has searched for articles regarding ED on line. Claims he can get an erection with anal stimulation only.

2. Claims he only had one sexual encounter with a man for anal penetration, and then he contracted hep B and never had sex with another man. Claims for the last 10 years he has only been "self indulgent" only "having sex with myself" thru anal stimulation toys. Claims no sexual encounters with others.

3. Claims straight men look at gay porn magazines , too. 

4. Denies being gay, denies being sexually attracted to men. 

I am paralyzed by fear.....fear if I am wrong and leave him, fear that I am right and and stay...

Why or why can't these men tell us the truth? What should I do?

 

 

February 24, 2018 5:46 am  #2


Re: Help Me Please......Doubt

CindyS

Regardless of what your H says, are your needs being met in this relationship?  Even after his explanations about his sexual struggles has he ever wondered once what he could do towards your sexual fulfillment?  Your emotional fulfillment, to make you feel safe with him, to build your marriage up based on trust?

You have what you know, what you've been living for a very long time... are you in a place that fills you with happiness or that of agony and stress?

It really isn't so much what they are selling, it has more to do with what you are buying. 


Detour

 

February 24, 2018 6:10 am  #3


Re: Help Me Please......Doubt

Deleted

Last edited by Duped (August 28, 2019 1:53 pm)

 

February 24, 2018 11:04 am  #4


Re: Help Me Please......Doubt

Cindy, I don't buy his lies. 

If he can get an erection through anal stimulation, then he can get an erection.  It's not erectile disfunction, it's a lack of the stimulation that he desires.   If he was attracted to women he would be able to get an erection with you. 
A straight man wouldn't think about having sex with a man, ever..  A straight man is revolted by the idea of sex with another man.. 
Straight men think gay porn is disgusting and revolting.  They don't look at gay porn because there are no women in there to turn them on. 
Your husband is in the closet and afraid to come out.  The one time he tried, it burned him by giving him a disease.  For the record I don't believe he did it only once.   But the point is, he's lying to you. 

It's hard to make the decision you made.. perhaps the hardest decision most people would be asked to make in a lifetime.  Having second thoughts is very normal.  You are only in a position to see the downsides of your choice.  That's all you are capable of seeing right now.   But there will be upsides in the future.  Give yourself time and you'll get there. 

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

February 24, 2018 11:19 am  #5


Re: Help Me Please......Doubt

He keeps changing his story, how can you believe anything he says?

Didn't he originally claim to have picked up the Hep with a woman? And the gay mags came free with anal sex toys. I think it's all BS, especially the claim that straight men look at gay porn. We don't, and we don't have gay sex on our 'bucket lists' either. I think it's pretty obvious that he is just trying to wear down your resolve. You're worried about the future but what happens if you stay? If it's just more of what you've experienced for 43 years then why would you deny yourself a chance at something better?


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

February 24, 2018 6:51 pm  #6


Re: Help Me Please......Doubt

The lack of sex is due to a lack of communication?!?  Come.ON.  That's the biggest load of rubbish I've ever heard.  He's really reaching for straws now.

If he can get an erection from anal stimulation, that just means that that's what he prefers.  Probably because he can imagine himself with a man while doing that.  He may have been googling ED because he's trying to figure out how to fix it so he can convince you that he's still sexually excited by you.

How can you tell what to believe now?  What you DO know is that he cheated on you.  And then he lied to you about his Hep B origins.  So what you've learned is that he's a liar.  Once you find that out, nothing they say after that can be believed.  I JUST explained this to my 16 year-old last week.  We found marijuana stuff hidden in his room.  Pipe, massive grinder, evidence of a pill bottle with pot in it previously, lighters, etc.  And he wants me to believe that it's really OLD - that he gave it up over 6 months ago.  He is literally insulted that I didn't believe that.  I told him that FIRST of all, people don't keep things that can get them in trouble when they haven't been using it recently.  What would be the point?  You could just get RID of it since it's of no use to you anymore (this is the "evidence points to different facts" section).  Then I told him that what he was doing by doing illegal drugs and hiding it was lying to us.  So what he's proven to me is that he's a liar.  And that to believe him with smaller things now after I've learned a BIG untruth is simply unreasonable of him to expect of me.  He's just going to have to understand that the big lie shows me that nothing he says at this point means jack squat to me.  He's going to have to be forthcoming and transparent with me moving forward if he wants to build the trust back.  Me not trusting him at this point isn't a shortcoming on MY part - it's the affect of his poor decision.  I will not be held responsible for the lack of trust that HE built.  He made his bed, he can lie in it now.

He's NOT telling you the truth.  Not on any part of this.  Any truth we have is always only the tip of the iceberg.

The reason you're doubting yourself is because he's trying to convince you to.  It's imperative to his lifestyle that he gas light you so that he can continue doing what he wants and still have you.  Know that you are not crazy.  If you want to look at it differently, don't look at it like, "At this age, I'm not sure I'll find someone".  Look at it like, "At this age, I don't have time to waste on being in a toxic relationship.  I need to get out so I can enjoy the rest of my life.  No matter what, it WILL be better than this bullshit."

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

February 25, 2018 12:51 am  #7


Re: Help Me Please......Doubt

You didn't have this information to make the choice 43 years ago.  You have the information now to make a choice that is best for you - he's given you all the information you need.   Define what you want in a relationship.   Define your boundaries of what you need, what you will accept and won't accept and believe in what you deserve.   Then look his actions and decide if they fit this.  Do his actions (not words...actions) meet what you want and need in a relationship?   Maybe some do and some don't, but you get to decide where that scale tips.   
We keep waiting for the truth because that is what we wanted in the relationship - honesty - an honest partner - and we believe that they will eventually be this honest person.   Mine says "I was/am lying to myself, not you".    Well, lie to yourself on your own time now, not mine. 
You get to own your own truth, not his truth - your truth.   You get to decide what the truth is based on his actions, on how they affect you and your experiences - not him.     
 

 

February 25, 2018 9:41 am  #8


Re: Help Me Please......Doubt

It is horribly scary to lose a relationship you have invested your whole life in. I'm struggling with the same issue. But can someone who really loves you lie and put your health at risk?  Just to fully exhaust all options should you be willing to stay because your emotional needs are being met, did you ever ask your husband to include you in his solo sex sessions.  Would you be willing to engage in his anal play and watch gay porn with him?  Redefine sexuality in your marriage. Would you want to accept this version of marriage?

 

 

February 25, 2018 1:05 pm  #9


Re: Help Me Please......Doubt

Redefine sexuality in my marriage is what I tried to do when I agreed to participate in satisfying my autogynephilic stbx along the lines he found sexually satisfying.  The longer I did it, the more it wore on me, the less satisfying it got for me, the more I saw it was only for him, and that although I was traveling 95% of the way to satisfy his desires and sexuality, he wouldn't budge more than 5% for mine.  Not only that, watching him act out his version of woman, and seeing how pornified and misogynistic his idea of woman was, I lost respect for him.  
   I doubt cindys would derive much sexual satisfaction of her own from such a ploy, and would instead letting herself in for trauma, but it would certainly call his bluff.  

 

February 25, 2018 8:02 pm  #10


Re: Help Me Please......Doubt

Thank you all for your support and kindness towards me. Being on this site is my therapy. And I have confided in two trusted friends, so I feel I have a good support system. I see STBX in such a different light. Very manipulative. Now he is blaming me....lack of communication and I didn't desire him and I didn't initiate sex with him. It is truly bizarre. I look at him and I don't know him. 44 years......the trust, the betrayal, is overwhelming....and he minimizes everything. He wants me to engage in "pegging" him, says I am too "conservative" and that is why he couldn't talk to me about it. It is all about him. I never realized how selfish this man is. 

Even though it has only been 6 weeks since I have discovered TGT. I am done. At 63 years old, I want to make the best of the time I have left on this earth, rebuilding a new life. I am done with this toxic relationship. I completed divorce papers and in the process of obtaining financial info so I can file. Hopefully, by 6 months, I will be divorced.

I am on a rollercoaster of emotions.......sobbing.....anger.... pain....resentment....I just want my happiness back.....I want peace....

Always, cindy
 

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