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February 23, 2018 10:33 am  #1


It's a miracle, he's not attracted to men anymore!

Just kidding!!!  But seriously, that is really what he said to me two nights ago.  As I edge closer and closer each day to the divorce, I am grateful for finally posting and for the replies that have given me much to think about and offered such deep insight into our common experience.  So four days out from final orders and he is pulling out all the stops.  First, according to him, he has finally gotten over his 'same-sex attraction' - it's completely behind him - not more attaction to men according to him!!!  And btw, per him, I just don't understand how this 'same-sex attraction' really works and all the problems from this childhood and father that caused it all in the first place and if I would bother to listen, I would see that he is now straight.  Second, he doesn't understand what my goal could possbily be with going through with this as it is just causing more expenses and pain in the long run.  Third, all the teenage drama with the kids is now my fault for kicking him out in the first place.   And lastly, I can't REALLY divorce him since we are married in the eyes of God.   So yesterday, I went back to bed after I got the kiddos to school and was hardly able to move for hours, literally hours.  I use to be so strong and independent, I had a great job, loved hiking and gardening and found joy in friends and life. I will find that woman again somehow - I know she is in there somewhere.  In just a few words you all have helped me articulate why I am doing this.  I am doing this because I didn't get a choice many years ago and I am taking that choice back.   I get to decide if I want to live my life with a man for whom I am not the object of his affections or desires.   I get that choice.  I get to decide if I want to live with gay porn and lies.  He chose not to tell me in the beginning, now I get to choose what to do with knowing.   And I get to decide how his actions have affected me, not him.   Yes, the sad reality is that he cares more that the everyone sees him as straight then anything else in the world, especially more than me.   He just can't admit it - and you know what, it's not my problem anymore.  I guess I am starting to not care.    It makes me sad that he feels so much shame and embarrasment for his attractions but I can't fix it for him.   I can only control how I respond to the ways in which it affects me.   And the ways it has and continues to affect me are real and damn it, I am not going to let him discount it.   It's mine and it's real and its hurt and its almost destroyed me.  Anyway, thank you all for listening and for your encouragement and support.    It's helping me put one foot in front of the other...
Pam

 

February 23, 2018 10:46 am  #2


Re: It's a miracle, he's not attracted to men anymore!

Once you get off his hamster wheel, you will start to feel SO much better. In the beginning, I was all caught up in some of the same texting craziness, and got sucked into feeling sorry for him. I wasn’t sleeping, and was in a constant state of anxiety, until one day the lightbulb went on and I went no contact, ( my kids are older).  That’s when I started to truly heal. You can already see how crazy this train is, and that it’s toxic for both you and your kids. If you haven’t already done so, check out chumplady.com. She’s excellent at cutting through the crazy fog.
Hugs.

 

February 23, 2018 12:50 pm  #3


Re: It's a miracle, he's not attracted to men anymore!

Sounds like you are absolutely on the right track.  That strong woman you're looking for in yourself?  She's always been there.  You got this!

P.S.  I've been blamed for the kids' behavior as well.  That kind of blame is unacceptable.  With my STBX, his blaming is an effort to exonerate himself. 

Last edited by Tamiam (February 23, 2018 12:54 pm)

 

February 23, 2018 1:01 pm  #4


Re: It's a miracle, he's not attracted to men anymore!

You're singin' my song, Pam! I'm in the same boat. Mine says porn was the cause, molestation was the cause (he really was molested at 5 by a boy age 12, his mother confirms), his horrible relationship with his emotionally abusive father was the cause, his perception of himself as a lesser man was the cause...ad infinitim ad nauseum.

I now hear, "it's all behind me and I really know and understand who I am now!"

He wants to take a lie detector test to prove what he says now. Yep, it's gone to that place.

What I've come to understand is that none of it makes a difference. Is the truth then? Is the truth what he says now? I have no idea. It's impossible to know. His existence is such a lie on every level, how could someone really decipher what is real or denial or just flat out continued lies on his part.

What I do know is this - he continues to place importance on himself and no one else. It's all about what he's lost, how miserable his life is, and how he can get it back. When it comes to the price I and his 2 yo son have paid, it's absolute crickets chirping in the deafening silence.

The truth as I know it is he is no different. Still consumed with himself with little to no thought outside that. He went from being self-consumed satisfying his sexual fetishes, to being self-consumed sinking his fingernails into me and our son. That's a truth that's been proven and has not budged.

Best to you.

 

February 23, 2018 1:41 pm  #5


Re: It's a miracle, he's not attracted to men anymore!

You've got this, Lyonene!  You have learned so much and you can now see where his focus is.  It's plain as the nose on his face that he's not interested in what YOU are missing/wanting/needing - only on where HE is, what he wants, and how you can't really do this anyway.  That part made me laugh out loud - the part about how you can't really divorce him anyway because you're married in the eyes of God.  FINE - then I guess God can take it up with you.  You're not asking for him to fix the God part - you're asking to fix the legal part.  He's trying to tell you that you can't really accomplish your complete goal anyway, so why bother trying?  It's laughable, really.

You've got this.  You're strong.  And you still are that woman that enjoys all those things that you've thrived on for so long.  Just because you like those things doesn't mean they're what you feel like doing today - take today what you need to do today.  I love vegging out, but TODAY I need to do our taxes.  Doesn't mean I'm an accountant now.  If you need to sleep, then sleep.  It will help you get back to where you want to be eventually.  Listen to your body and be kind to it.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

February 23, 2018 3:19 pm  #6


Re: It's a miracle, he's not attracted to men anymore!

Thank you, Dee, Tamiam, Lyonene, and Kel - for listening, understanding and encouraging; and mostly for sharing your stories and being vunerable in the face of such pain.  

     Thread Starter
 

February 23, 2018 3:30 pm  #7


Re: It's a miracle, he's not attracted to men anymore!

Pabumpkins,

You are much further in your process than I am. I wish ( it is almost like asking for the best gift ever)to have left couple days for divorce to be finelized ( go girl, the new you or rebirth you is coming). But even if we have talked about divorce for the past year, I just filed papers recently, sick of this stagnant situation.
Till recently, I was very compassion for my gay husband, patient, without conflict for the best of our kids, but not anymore. I have nothing left for him, but anger and I think hate. 

I call him a good father, but is he a good father? Can you be a good father and gaslight your still wife and mother of your kids? One of my friends says, yes- he can be a good father and horrible to his wife...do you agree with that???

There were situations ( back then I should have said enough, but like most of us here, wanted that somehow to work this out,not be called a quieter, so I believed his lies) when I had to forget about my pride, respect and stand by his side when now in return I have zero..."It was nice you helped me, but you really did this for yourself and kids, not me, so there is nothing I should be grateful for". 
I also hear from him that I made him Gay, because I was not a good wife. That he was not born gay, but stuations he was exposed to made him that way, my indifference...
and if I could had tried to be that person he wanted, he would never cheated on me...( lol, what about telling me you are gay at the first place).
He is in the big closet. Some close people and family know about him, but he is still denying that part of himself to himself, not liking it and thinking what the envoriment would think of him. It does not matter what I think, I am not that important, but what others will think...so he will remain hidden.
I really thought we can divorce nicely (meaning life is life, lets move on and take the best of what we have in front of us). But his arogance and egoism has no boundraries. 
How the good father can tug his kids into bed, but not pay bills for months and have no shame of that? Leaving our finances including assets on the legal stakes? 
He comes and goes whenever he wants, living his bachelor life when I am still home by my kids all the time. I am the one who does laundry for them, who packs lunch for school, who does the homework with them...
And I see him with his charm on his face, not taking me seriously and I would say COLD about what he is doing behind my back, trying to mess up with my head and make to feel responsible for all of this. 
Most people do not know his true colors and I helped him with that, keeping everything behind curtains.
All I hear is, it is me doing all of this, because I am not supportive, not understanding etc, not a friend to him ( when he was a friend to me?!)...
The truth is,finally for the first time in a long time, I do not agree to have everything his way, that I finally stand up for myself, and as you said  Pabumpkins, am taking back the choice to myself to choose where I want to be in my life, and I want own my life, by free of lies, manipulation and gaslighting.
But God give me strenght, because I often lose my hope and feel like I am cursed or something to have this bumpy road for the past couple of years. I really need this chapter to end fast.
But is it really going to end? I will have to still see his face, because we have small kids. 
And I really thought we can be some type of friends. I am such a naive person,trusting him to much, ready to take burn on myself. I hope I will be better sh*t dedector in the future
So ANGRY today.
So sorry for such a long post.
It is Pabumpkins thread and I laid my frustrations.

Last edited by Lena (February 23, 2018 4:04 pm)

 

February 23, 2018 3:37 pm  #8


Re: It's a miracle, he's not attracted to men anymore!

I am so sorry Lena, for all of your pain.   It's like a greiving process - and anger is a valid feeling on that journey.   I didn't think I was very far along, but maybe I am.   You know the truth and you know you didn't make him gay.   And yes you will have to see him, but start working on boundaries - I'm terrible at them and need to do this as others have reminded me.   There is a good book called Boundaries that I need to re-read!  When I first stood up for myself, things were really ugly, so I guess I have come along.  Many of us may not get the apologies we long for and maybe that is something we have to accept.  We morphed and molded and changed ourselves to fit what they wanted and to make them happy and our reward was pain and lies.   Thank you for sharing your pain, as I feel it too! 
Pam

     Thread Starter
 

February 23, 2018 7:07 pm  #9


Re: It's a miracle, he's not attracted to men anymore!

Very inspiring to read all the posts here.  I guess I'm still in a state of limbo finally accepting that he IS gay bc of all the pics, soliciting on Craig's List, and proof I discovered when searching his pc over 2 yrs ago and trying desperately to work through MY emotions and what I really want from all of this without reacting to what he may do or say when I have the strength to sit and have the talk.  I do realize from most of these posts and will be prepared for him to deny till the end... My situation is that we have a 16 yr "relationship" where he acts like we are in a heterosexual partnership, sharing household expenses and have friends we associate with that assume we are heterosexual.  For me, we are much older, retired, we haven't really had sex and have minimal affection but do profess our love for each other and I thoroughly enjoy his company but this "elephant in the room" situation is festering under the surface of my emotions.
I'm sorry for rambling but guess it feels good to have some sort of safe place to express all this.  There is definitely NOT one sole I can talk to about this.    Can anyone give some suggestions on how I can figure out what is important to discuss and how I can figure out how to zero in on my needs/wants without reacting to his denial? 

​I guess I'm struggling with having worked through the initial shock of my discovery(over 2 yrs ago) and feeling I truly love this man(for many positive reasons) but have trouble w/the dishonesty, deceit/lies of his secret.  Does that make sense to anyone?  I plan to talk to him when I get my head straight and emotions in check(if possible) and confess that bc of the trust issues, I searched through his pc and found a pic from over 2 yrs ago of a naked men which only surfaced all the hurt and confusion.  It was probably left in his pc when I made the initial discovery...I guess I'm on that merry go round which a lot of people have experienced here but don't know what to do w/these confused emotions. I have no reason to believe he is "out there" doing anything but of course, if he's unusually late at the store, my mind and distrust for him surface.  I guess I'm trying to figure out just what I need and will settle for knowing he's gay at this point and won't admit to it and still agree to some sort of "understanding"...geez, sounds crazy, I know...

 

February 23, 2018 8:15 pm  #10


Re: It's a miracle, he's not attracted to men anymore!

D&L I really wish I had the answers. My heart aches for all the people on here that's had to deal with this BS for as long as they have. I never married or really had the kind of evidence that most on here have. And even though I only put a year into it, I knew enough within a few months that he was a loser and was pulling the same shit as all the GBID do. 
The problem is I wasted many more months either denying or trying to fix it. And the end result is now I'm the one broken and needing fixed. 
My point is...For someone like myself, who would be considered a dynamic, happy, outgoing, sexual, fun- loving and trusting person; has in less than two years turned into someone cold and cynical ...someone even I don't recognize..because of the hatred that often consumes me. At this point I don't trust any man and look at all of them as if they are the same filthy freaks as my ex.
I've had bad experiences and always bounced back stronger. This however...
I don't know how anyone does esp those that spent years going through this bounces back. It's worse than death. However.... 
I have faith! Thanks to the trusting in something better than the jerks that put us here and reading the stories and heeding the no contact advice. I can feel myself begin to heal in tiny doses. But it will take time. The longer you let 'them' linger in your life I realize the more they poison you. I felt all the "but we love each other...have so much fun...he's a really good guy.." Blah blah BULL!
As my head clears I remember all the true narcisstic moments that I was blinded to...They roll over like a movie in my head. I'm holding on to them because thats the true nature of the beast.
I was used as a cover...a future trophy wife and possible lure to attract other men that prefer the married types.
Everyday I wake up and smack myself on the forehead with some new lightbulb wow moment realization of
the truth. It hurts like hell. But I...actually all of us will get throught this.
We got the something bigger and better on our side.
Good prevails. Evil does not.
 


Life is like phases of the moon.... We really only see it when it's beautiful, full and in our face. 
 

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