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February 23, 2018 9:13 am  #1


Advice Needed - Wife & 2 Kids wTrans Hubby

Hello,
 
My husband of 20 years "came out" to me a few months ago as MtF. I'd like to say that I immediately embraced the info and hopped on board the transition train, but that did not happen. I do recognize that my husband probably cannot continue to live under the umbrella of a traditional male stereotype. He has come out to only two family members and none of our friends so we continue to refer to him in the male pronoun.
 
Our marriage has been rocky throughout the 20 years. We question why we ever got married in the first place and we have considered divorce multiple times. We haven't for a variety of reasons which includes a love for our kids, financial stability, and a sprinkling of good days/weeks/months as a couple.
 
I'm looking for advice in regards to our kids who are 12 (daughter) and 14 1/2 (son). Everything I have found research-wise says this is the age at which kids accept and understand a transitioning parent very poorly. The Transgender Guidebooks says "Ages 12-18: This is your toughest crowd. I've seen the most extreme reactions at this age -- either totally cool with the idea or not accepting at all ... teenage boys especially have a hard time coping with homophobia.”
 
Here's my problem ... there appears to be no resources or support groups in our area for kids with a transitioning parent. When my husband comes out to our kids I want to be able to point to other families/kids who have faced or are facing the same thing they are about to face. Our community is progressive enough (considering we are smack in the middle of the bible belt) to have support groups for the transitioner, but not for spouses or kids. There is no support group for SOs. There is even less then nothing for kids. There is a local PFLAG group, but its focus is on LGBTQ kids themselves -- not kids with a transitioning parent.
 
I have broached to my husband the possibility of delaying his transition until our son is out of high school (3 years), but met instant resistance. This is apparently not an option. He previously insisted he intended to start HRT by April 1 of this year and would not delay beyond that. His therapist has said he needs to give the kids at least 3 months to become accustomed to the idea of a transitioning parent so an April 1 HRT start date is no longer feasible from that perspective, however he now intends to start cross dressing both inside and outside the home within the next 30 days.
 
I am trying really hard to become a supportive spouse, but it's a lot to accept in a very short (to me) time frame. Does anyone here know of a family with a transitioning parent (preferable MtF) and adolescent kids that I can turn to for practical advice? Since our situation is so apparently unique I have convinced myself that other transgendered dads must have made conscientious decisions to delay their transitions due to the high probability of low acceptance – especially when the mom (me) is not 100% on board. I see nothing but disaster for our kids who are both well-adjusted A/B students on track for easy college acceptance.

 

February 23, 2018 10:10 am  #2


Re: Advice Needed - Wife & 2 Kids wTrans Hubby

   I am married to a man who declared three years ago that he wanted to become a woman; initially he was going to go full force to transition, but decided not to do so, and is still in the closet.  However, he did not make this decision because he was conscientiously considering the effect of his transition on our son.  He did it because that's what he decided he wanted. 
   I wish I could help you, either by suggesting posts here or places to look for help in your community.  I've been on these boards for a year and a half (since Sept 2016), and I have read pretty much every post on c/d and t/g.  I cannot think of a single instance in which the transitioning man (there have been no posts by husbands about wives who decide they wish to live as if they were men) could be convinced to delay his transition.  Self-centeredness and selfishness in the transitioning spouse rather than selflessness seems to be the norm for those posting here.  
   I think your best bet is going to be to find therapists for your kids--not "gender specialists," who will work for the affirmative model and therefore be working to accommodate your children to your husband's new self rather than working with your children in their own interests.  And when your children do enter therapy, make sure to ask them about whether they feel pressure from the therapist to get on board and accept their father's new self.  A therapist who does that is working in your husband's interest, but not in theirs.  They must be free to express and to feel everything without the guilt engendered by the pressure to accept. 
   And, by the way, that goes for you, too.  The frustration you're feeling is not a result of your failure to accept.  The frustration you're feeling is real, and it's a result of exactly what you observe: your husband is not willing to consider anyone else's needs besides his own.  And if your experience is anything like others on these boards, he will continue in that same vein. 
  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (February 23, 2018 10:12 am)

 

February 23, 2018 1:48 pm  #3


Re: Advice Needed - Wife & 2 Kids wTrans Hubby

JustStartingOut,

Have you considered that you don't need to support him in this?  This isn't what you signed up for.  While you can't completely opt out of the reality of the situation because you two have children together, you do NOT have to ride along on his journey.  All this time you've been the co-pilot in a journey that - while rocky - was on a paved road.  He's just told you that you are now going to be going down not only an unpaved road, but one fraught with dangerous terrain - full of boulders that may fall on and crush you.  You CAN say, "Stop the car - I want to get out. I can't stop you from going on that journey - you have every right.  But I don't want to go with - it's too dangerous to me and I have decided I will not do it."

Yes, kids at this age are very difficult.  It is what it is, though.  You can't change that.  If he IS going to be transitioning, then just rip that band-aid off.  Contact their H.S. and ask anonomously if they have a support group for LTBTQ.  My kids have gone, and a lot of the kids in the group are straight with parents who came out - several of them children of trans individuals.  They can help each other.

Know that your children might not want to talk to ANYone about this - not you, not him, not a counselor, and certainly not friends.  That's their right, too.

Best to you -

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

February 23, 2018 7:45 pm  #4


Re: Advice Needed - Wife & 2 Kids wTrans Hubby

Welcome to the group Just Starting Out. 

I can't give you much advice on the topics you are asking about, but others have and will continue.  I just wanted to say Welcome. 

I will give you one idea. 
We have face to face meeting groups in most major cities.  See the list here:
http://www.straightspouse.org/test/face2face-support-groups/
If you are anywhere near one of these cities, I would recommend reaching out to the SSN to connect with the local group leader.  There is a good chance that someone in the group will be dealing with a trans spouse and may have some good contacts or advice for you.  Either way, being able to connect with a real person who understands what you are going through is really helpful. 

I wish you the best.  Let us know what we can do to help!

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

March 17, 2018 9:01 am  #5


Re: Advice Needed - Wife & 2 Kids wTrans Hubby

Welcome to the group, Just Starting Out.

​First up, let me say that you are not alone in this and his issue is not your fault. OOHC is right about so many things. You don't have to accept his transition or go along with it and support it if it doesn't feel right. Your husband isn't giving you any other option than to get on board and support him in his transition, but you do have other options. 

​Secondly, I have to agree with OOHC on the kids situation too. I would find them a therapist who doesn't affirm your husband's gender identity to get them to support it, but one who will help them sort through their feelings regarding their dad with little bias. 

​Lastly, take care of yourself during this time of upheaval cause that's what it is. Do something nice for yourself everyday. Self-care is so important and can get shoved aside when our hearts are breaking, but it does help. You'll feel better and be more equipped to handle whatever he 'throws' at you. One thing I do know about having a trans partner is they will lob all sorts of crazy at you. It's to keep you engaged and wear you down so that maybe they will get what they want (you accepting and supporting it).  

 

April 5, 2018 12:37 pm  #6


Re: Advice Needed - Wife & 2 Kids wTrans Hubby

I'm sorry this is happening so fast for you. I'm sorry this has happened in general. My husband came out a year ago. We have a 5 year old daughter And now she is picking up on his feminine side. It is time to tell people as his new change inbeavior is apparent.

I asked my therapist if she had any resources for how to parent this and she sent me a link to a blog from a transgender parent. To be honest I haven't had the strength to read it yet.. I wish there was more resources for us.perhaps I'll write something after I experience it first hand.

Alas for what it is worth, here is  the link. Best of luck.

http://medium.com/th-ink/when-dad-becomes-mom-2db5cec79942

 

April 5, 2018 5:34 pm  #7


Re: Advice Needed - Wife & 2 Kids wTrans Hubby

Dad never becomes Mom.  There's already a Mom.  Why on earth would you allow your partner to usurp your role as Mom?  Your partner is and always will be the child's FATHER.  No running away from that! 

Katie62, what is "a feminine side"?  There is only behavior: feminine behavior.  Masculine behavior.  He's acting out his desire to feminize himself.  He's exhibiting feminine behavior.  

 

April 5, 2018 6:03 pm  #8


Re: Advice Needed - Wife & 2 Kids wTrans Hubby

OutofHisCloset- I suppose you are right. Acting out his desire to feminize himself... is a behavior.

 

April 5, 2018 7:24 pm  #9


Re: Advice Needed - Wife & 2 Kids wTrans Hubby

  
 

Last edited by Lynne (February 3, 2019 1:57 pm)

 

April 9, 2018 9:02 am  #10


Re: Advice Needed - Wife & 2 Kids wTrans Hubby

interesting anecdote on transwomen with families...

I had a male friend who was always a crossdresser named J. J tried to come out and transition when he was dating hiss wife. She wasnt about it and threatened to leave.

They marry and have 2 small sons. Now J is jealous of hihs wifes mommy status and decides he will now transition again - really messing up his family dynamic.


this is a selfish thing. And they know these feelings from youth. 

You dont have to stay with t hem and as time goes by they will change to want more and more validation. Really think hard if you want to stay in this.

Its better for the kids to have one stable parent.

 

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