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1 of 1- Deceived&Lost
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Regaining my Power and preparing for the "talk"
I have been reading the posts here and have become quite enlightened & can identify w/so many of these stories. As mentioned in an earlier post, I have been in a "partnership" for over 15 years. I say "partnership" loosely now realizing that for me, we are really just room mates and for me, the sex wasn't important at my age(retired and enjoying being retired) but I'm slowly realizing that he has had higher expectations of what this "partnership" really is. He has proposed to me w/the reason being that I could get his pension, etc but since my discovery, there's NO way I'd fall into that trap...We do not have an open relationship and his expectation is as IF we are a heterosexual couple & I say this because while we kiss and occasionally hug(ie minimal affection), we do profess our love for each other and he definitely shows his love for me in the small things he does for me, financially pays his way here bill-wise, etc. I have had quite a few talks w/him over the years before my "discovery" in tears attempting to tell him how lonely I was, how this was the strangest relationship I've ever been in, etc...wow, now I understand the why's!!! However, after discovering he had a few male nude pics on his pc a couple years back and when I had discovered at that same time(I was away on a trip out of state) that he was soliciting on Craig's List, I've begin to shed the denial and accept that he probably IS gay! Dah....what else could it be? I briefly went into all this earlier. What I'd like to ask now is how can I prepare emotionally and what can I expect from him given his denial of being gay? When I originally confronted him, he got angry w/me and after telling him that IF I ever discovered he had someone in this home(it's owned by me) or that he was on CL again, he'd have 30 days to get his shit out of here. That was in total frustration of the betrayal and pain of the discovery. What I'd like to say is that "I have accepted you are gay and need you to come clean w/me so I can make a decision bc it is only fair to me". It sounds simple but what happens IF he continues denying? I'm kinda stuck on this part. I want my power back and to have all the cards on the table but not sure how this will end....I sound like a fool but he is great company, has a fantastic personality, we usually get along great daily but that emptiness is gnawing at times...help?
- lily
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Re: Regaining my Power and preparing for the "talk"
He will continue to deny. He can't come clean. Asking for that is to park yourself in limbo land. He'll string you along for as long as he can or he could panic and he could get aggressive if you frighten him into thinking his closet is under threat.
make the decision that you want him to stay then don't share a bedroom and firmly redefine the boundaries to best friends and don't ask for a confession.
quite honestly even that doesn't seem to work well - these gay-in-denial men seem to want the trappings of a wife without having to be a husband. If you offer him friendship even without pressing him to confess he is likely to discard you - it really is all about living in a closet for them not friendship or any sort of relationship but if you can swing it I always thought my ex would make a better friend than partner. tho my personal opinion is a large amount of the attraction for them of a straight attempting to partner them is that they're wide open for being manipulated and I know my ex enjoyed that.
gnawing emptiness - art therapy? sometimes it helps, it helps me sometimes. you are likely to get less not more closeness with him whatever you do.
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Regaining my Power and preparing for the "talk"
A few years ago now my 91 year old mother said of men her age that they were looking for "a nurse or a purse." Yours is looking for a purse, and cover.
What you can expect is denial and gaslighting. I agree with Lily. The trappings of a wife (that is, your emotional labor and ride to the doctor) but no relationship or commitment.
You can't "prepare emotionally." If you don't want to let yourself in for a world of pain you need to cut him off.
- cindys
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Re: Regaining my Power and preparing for the "talk"
deceived and lost, He will NOT speak the truth. I discovered a few weeks ago my husband he is gay. H denies, denies, denies. But you will come to realize you already have all the proof you need. I feel your pain. I am so sorry.