Welcome PA,
I’m so sorry for everything you are dealing with, but you are in the right place. What a strong woman you are! He’s gaslighting you, and love bombing you, all trying to make you doubt yourself. Don’t fall for it, and yes, stay the course. He hasn’t changed, and trust me, it just gets worse. I also gave a second chance, only to waste more years on some one who had no respect for me, our kids, honesty or integrity. Don’t look too far into the future right now. One suggestion, stop having him hang out, once the divorce is final, the only communication you owe him is about the kids. It’s the only way you will heal.
Hugs..

Welcome pabumpkins.  You are in the right place for support.  We are here for you.   

Don't ever worry about knowing the right acronyms or posting too much or too little.. none of that matters.  Pour out your heart and we will listen and offer kind words, affirmations, support and love. 

As for whether or not to divorce.. that's a hard question to answer because none of us are in your shoes.  However, many of the situations you described are things that we have experienced in our own lives.  The majority of the group here has opted for divorce, but some remain married.  It seems to me that honesty and fidelity are the keys.  Those of us who's spouses lied to us chronically and then cheated on us are generally divorced.  Those who remain married seem to have maintained fidelity and trust.   You didn't mention any cheating, but you did talk about trust, and that's a big deal.  You don't seem to trust your soon-to-be ex.. and if this is the case it seems to me that divorce is the correct path forward.  Remaining married to a spouse with a same-sex-attraction can be possible, but I think all those who are doing it would agree that trust is key.  I think you would drive yourself insane worrying for the rest of your life if you weren't able to trust. 

His gift of roses is something we see frequently.  It's referred to as "love-bombing" and is a tactic of trying to win a person back through gifts and words.  It's motivated out of fear and desire to control and not out of genuine love.  

Good for you for signing up and sharing your story.  I hope you find some peace and support in doing so.  I am sure you will get a number of responses and support from our group in the next few hours and days. 

If you'd like more support I would strongly recommend reaching out to the Straight Spouse Network to see if there is a face-to-face group in your area.  We have groups that meet regularly and share stories and talk with each other.  Having someone real in your life to give you a hug and know that they understand and care about you is huge..    
http://www.straightspouse.org/test/face2face-support-groups/

Let us know what we can do to help!

 

pabumpkins, you've done the hardest part -- you've got a lot more courage than I have right now.  You've got the divorce in order.

I wouldn't focus too much on whether or not another man will make you happy, and I suspect there's a very manipulative reason why your STBX (soon-to-be Ex) is telling you that another man won't make you happier.  That's a distraction -- I wouldn't even debate it.  Seriously.  Don't even open that door.  The problem right now, is THIS man is making you absolutely heartsick.  That's the only problem you need to deal with.  It doesn't matter whether another man will (or won't) come along.  The issue is this man, who has been given enough second chances, and third chances, and so on.  He's made you unhappy.  

pabumpkins,

A kind and compassionate welcome.
I assume you have a settlement agreement as the the divorce  is final  7 days... he's living elsewhere ...you will have a court approved parenting arrangement in the settlement?
The divorce is merely a somewhat final step....he's had plenty of time to earn your trust or change ...  this is not you leaving him...it is a consequence of his actions.      It is sad.. but to heal you need to detach.   Fear is there sure... but you've shown so much courage thus far.     Living apart as you are you need to be no contact to really heal...means not making him dinner..  You both may have some dependencies on each other and I really admire the friendship..but to really heal you may need to limit contact and things you do together.  As you stated...the distrust eats away at you...I used to physically shake.

And as for the kids... they just want a mom and a dad...assure them you'll be there and he will be there.....show them consistency and as much stability as you can.     But don't fear ...do this for yourself.   again these spouses long ago decided how they would treat us..  Again the problem with gay is you cannot take it back/undo it.    

Strength, courage,  faith..

Thank you all again for you kind replies.  I'm overwhlemed with feeling like finally - people who understand!!   I'm not used to having anyone to talk to about this and should have reached out a long time ago.   There have been a few questions so to respond: yes, he lives separate (though only about 5 minutes away) and we have a court approved separation and parenting agreement in place (for 2 years).   However he does behave like he still lives here and just sleeps elsewhere (walks into the house, doesn't knock, hangs out and watches tv, eats whatever he wants).  He's a great boundary breaker.  And I feel very weak most of the time (I guess I pick my battles).  No he doesn't seem to care about my future happiness unless it is taking care of him.  Trust - he broke trust over and over and while he said he never had physical relations with anyone, its hard to know or believe because of all the lies I did catch him in related to porn and pot - over an over again.  (He kept saying it was the last time, that he changed....then all over again).   It wouldn't be a stretch to imagine there is more, but I don't go there in my mind anymore.  (I got tested for everything - humiliating as it was - and just ended all physical contact several years back, which wasn't difficult to do at all - actually he seemed relieved).   Trust has been broken and nothing has been done to rebuild it. ( Bottom line, I'm not the object of his desire at all.) Violent?  He can be controlling and was violent with me many years back twice but heseemed to work through these issues in our (brief) marriage counseling.     I had (have) a safety plan in place from those incidents and at the moment I don't feel that he is a threat.  He does lecture me that I am not 'allowed' to divorce him, etc - but I have somehow found the strength to get this far.  
The words of encouragement from you all have rung so true in my soul - thank you, thank you!
The children have asked over and over if things can go back to the way they were, but what they didn't know was that I had created a fairytale that wasn't real, held everything together and everything looked perfect to them, when it was a disaster.  Everyone wants the fairytale back, including him.   But the fairytale was never real.  Thank you again.