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February 18, 2018 11:34 pm  #1


A Message to the Straight Spouses from a Gay Husband

I am one of those awful gay husbands who married a straight woman.  I'm not using awful in a sarcastic or mocking way, but rather as a truth.  I am 54 yo and have been married for 27+ years.  I concluded many years ago that it was wrong not to tell my wife about me before we married and I have apologized to her on several occasions.  However, it has taken me 27 years to realize what a terrible thing that truly was.   I and others like me had no right to screw up the lives of our spouses.  Although my wife and I have a great marriage in many ways, I robbed her of the opportunity to be loved (among other things) because she is a woman and not in spite of it.  All women deserve that.  Perhaps a hetero husband would have been a horrible person and treated her badly, but she had a right to decide.  I took that away from her with my deceit and I have to live with that.  I meant no harm but I wound up hurting the person I love the most.

​I'm not here seeking absolution or sympathy.  I am deserving of neither and don't expect any.  I've done many things that I'm not proud of but I have not cheated on my wife.  Don't get me wrong, I'm no hero because of that.  I'm the same deceitful, selfish, cowardly, piece of crap that all the other husbands are.  

​So why am here?  I've been reading this blog for the past few months.  Each story is heartbreaking and rightly so.  However, there are some things that are said here that I find disturbing and shouldn't be said.  I'll get to that later but first perhaps you'd like to read my story.

I realized that I liked men when I was a senior in college although looking back, I can see the signs that existed prior to that  I would get a giddy feeling when certain roommates or other young men were around.  I didn't know it then, but I had a crush on those men.   A gay crush.  I wasn't about to act on my feeling for several reasons that are probably typical for most of us.  That would be AIDS (which was very bad in the mid 80's when I learned I was gay), religion, family disapproval, shame, and denial.  I couldn't be gay.  Not me.  I'm a Christian young man from a good Christian family in the Bible Belt.  In addition, I think my family would rather admit that their brother/son was a serial killer rather than a gay man.  Yes, I was too cowardly to face those things as I should have.

​So fast forward to age 25.  I meet my wife and we instantly become best friends, then lovers, and then we get married.  I'm still in denial through all of this. As a matter of fact, when my wife and I were dating I would even go so far as to stop at an adult bookstore on my way home from a date with her to buy gay porn.  It was always going to be the last time and since I was getting married I was sure that I could change my same sex attractions.  Wrong.

​After about a year of marriage I realized that my plan of changing wasn't working.  One night when we were in bed I told her that I was bisexual.  She was rather upset with me for a day or two.  Honestly I thought she had figured it out already.  Before that she would regularly make jokes about me being bisexual or cheating on her with another man so I was a little surprised by her reaction.  She said she would stay with me as long as I didn't cheat and so I haven't.  

​Fast forward again about 7 years down the road.  We have two kids, 6 and 3, and a mortgage, bills, etc. etc.  My sexuality is beginning to bother me a great deal.  I find a psychiatrist whom I thought could "fix me".  That turned out not to be possible, of course, so I sink into a deep depression.  Depression affects more than the person who has it.  My wife and I go through some tough times for the next year or more and then a social worker type counselor convinces me that I should get a divorce and live as a gay man or that I would never be happy and possibly commit suicide.  I initially agreed and went home and told my wife.  She and I began making plans to spit.  Very difficult.  As part of these plans we had to tell our families why we were separating and so I outed myself.  It did not go well but no one has talked about it in 20 years.  The counselor wasn't right but she wasn't completely wrong either.

​However, when Ilooked into the faces of my beautiful kids I knew I could not leave them.  So I vowed that I was going to raise my kids even if it killed me.  I got down on my knees and prayed to God that if he wasn't going to remove this burden from me that at least give me the strength to handle it until I raised my kids.  

​I took an antidepressant for a few years after that but eventually I found what I call a "happy enough" place and my wife and I settled in and concentrated on raising our kids together, building careers, and remaining each other's best friend.  I'm glad I stayed because I wouldn't have missed raising them for anything.  It was a great experience.  

​Fast forward again 20 years and in May 2017 my youngest graduates from college and begins her career.  The gay man in me doesn't let me forget my vow.  I had raised my children.  My job was done.  It was time to go live the life I was meant to live before it was too late.  The family man in me tells me "no!".  You are leading the life you're meant to live.  A civil war erupted within my brain.  It tried over and over to solve the conflict that exists within but there is no solution.  I once again sunk into a very bad depression complete with lots of anxiety.  My psychiatrist prescribed a new (but very expensive) antidepressant that at least seemed to calm the obsessive thinking.  It was less successful at fixing the depression and anxiety that still exists today.  I'm okay while my mind is busy but when it is at rest it goes back to try and solve the problem.  At the recommendation of my psychiatrist I saw a couple of psychologist for counseling.  They didn't help at all.

​My wife told me that if I felt that I needed to leave that she wouldn't hold it against me and we'd always be friends but that if I were going to leave to do it sooner rather than later so she would have time to find someone new as well.  That really messed me up.  I'd rather her say that she'd never speak to me again.  I can live with the former but not with the later.  Perhaps it was a loving gesture but I wish she'd never said that.  It opened the door to the closet and I haven't been able to get back in and close the door since.  Where we go from here I do not know yet.  I'm still committed to growing old with this woman but I don't know how long I can stand the depression.

​So that's my story.

​So what are the statements that are disturbing to me and shouldn't be said by any straight spouse?  Many of you say the same thing:  "I should have known."  "I'm so stupid for not being able to see the truth."  "My marriage didn't mean anything and I was living a lie."  Perhaps you're thinking that if you'd been a better wife then your husband wouldn't have left.  NONE OF THIS IS TRUE!!!!

​Ladies, please stop beating yourself up.  You are not guilty of anything but loving a broken person.  People like me were dishonest with you (and perhaps themselves).  Also I am of the belief that I married my wife for the right reason.  I loved her and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.  It was real.  It is real  Yes, I also looked at it as a cure for my homosexuality as well but I truly love her.  I didn't marry her as a cover or a beard or anything like that.  She was not and is not a placeholder until something better comes along.  I suspect your marriage started out the same way.  Enjoy your memories of when you first loved your GEXH.  That love could certainly have been genuine.

​I'm sure my few words here may not help much but I'm hopeful that some of you can take them to heart and begin healing.  My heart breaks for you and I pray only the best for you in the future.

​If there happens to be any young men or women with gay feelings reading this and who are contemplating marriage, I beg you, either do one of two things:  Break off the engagement (it's better to hurt them now then down the road when you've built a life together).  Option 2: at the very least tell your fiancé of your feelings.  He/she has a right to know.  You may just be screwing up both of your lives.  PLEASE don't go into a marriage without full knowledge of both parties.

 

February 19, 2018 7:29 am  #2


Re: A Message to the Straight Spouses from a Gay Husband

Gary,

Thanks for writing..  Yeah I tried so hard but there was nothing left for me to give.   My GX to this day is in the closet and blames me for all problems.   I'm still a bit adrift and though I have no regrets about my children and I was very happy with my wife back then..how unfair for her to take vows before God and then break them all.

I hope you werent a raging narcissist to your wife.    Ill ask you the same question I asked my GX; how do you sleep at night?


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

February 19, 2018 9:54 am  #3


Re: A Message to the Straight Spouses from a Gay Husband

Hi Gary, 

Welcome to the forum.  It is indeed brave of you to share your story and to admit that what your wife went through was unfair.  I appreciate your message of re-enforcing that it is not our fault.  We as straight spouses are often prone to feeling guilt or shame for not knowing better.  So hearing your perspective stating so strongly that it's not our fault and we shouldn't feel guilty is kind and helpful of you. 


Speaking from the position of an admin on this site, i'd like to ask you a favor.  Please understand that even with your motives being good and your message being supportive and kind, there are some members of the forum that will still feel "triggered" or bothered by your presence.  To lessen this concern I would ask that you keep your contributions to this dedicated thread.  This way, those who appreciate your input can come here to this post to discuss, but those who might feel "triggered" can feel more comfortable if they chose not to visit your thread.  I hope you can sympathize with those who might feel uncomfortable and hopefully you don't mind this arrangement.. it seems to work well with another gay man who is a regular here.   Please message me if you have any questions or concerns about this. 

Thanks, and again.. welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

February 19, 2018 10:30 am  #4


Re: A Message to the Straight Spouses from a Gay Husband

Option 2 isn't much of an option in my opinion. We've have had a few people pass through here who were contemplating marriage after "x" number of years together and got the 'warning message' you suggest and were struggling with it (alone). If you're the person questioning their sexuality or attraction, just walk away. Anything less than that is selfish, cowardly or an attempt to absolve oneself of the liability of future pain upon the other person, again IMHO.

Quite often here we say things like 'it's not your fault', 'you didn't make this happen' and so on. Thanks for backing those statements up. Peace.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

February 19, 2018 12:10 pm  #5


Re: A Message to the Straight Spouses from a Gay Husband

I agree with Daryl.  Option 2 isn't really an option at all.  I second his advice that if you're a person questioning your sexuality you must step away from the relationship.

And by the way, that goes for you, too.  Do the right thing by your wife and for yourself.  Free her and free yourself.  It's incredibly selfish of you to continue to keep "screwing up" both your lives.  You seem to believe that having screwed up both your lives by marrying her, what's done is done and so be it.
   To see you blaming your wife for your anguish now ("I wish she'd never said that") instead of realizing that the real responsibility for your situation rests on your inability to leave your safe closet is a measure of the pathology that develops when you live in a closet.  If she opened the closet door for you, then you ought to thank her and walk out of it instead of keeping her in there in limbo with you.

 

February 19, 2018 12:22 pm  #6


Re: A Message to the Straight Spouses from a Gay Husband

Gary says: "My marriage didn't mean anything and I was living a lie."

Perhaps this statement needs clarity.

What it means for me is exactly what it says. Exactly. I didn't sign up for a friend. I have friends. I didn't need a roommate. I wasn't wanting a companion to keep me company. The love that exists with a gay man and straight woman encompasses those things. It is missing all values that define romantic love. Intimate desire, craving, intense attraction, sexual want, that giddy feeling, the bond that can only result from those things. If those things were intact in a man for a woman - well, he wouldn't be gay now would he.

When a gay partner manipulates, lies, and puts on an act displaying those things, you are living a lie. He/she seeks to make you believe those things are there as they should be. They attempt to hold fast to you for their own purposes, all the while knowing the relationship is a farce, fully aware that their feelings are merely present as a friend/roommate/companion.

Gary, it sounds to me like you are still in denial and still wanting her to fix things for you.
"if I were going to leave to do it sooner rather than later so she would have time to find someone new as well.  That really messed me up.  I'd rather her say that she'd never speak to me again.  I can live with the former but not with the later.  Perhaps it was a loving gesture but I wish she'd never said that.  It opened the door to the closet and I haven't been able to get back in and close the door since."
It is not her job to keep your closet door shut. Not her responsibility to enable you in any way. Every bit of that belongs to you.

I would further suggest to you that her statement of "if I were going to leave to do it sooner rather than later so she would have time to find someone new as well" is because she is acutely aware of the things missing in your relationship that she needs/wants fulfilled. Those items can only be provided by a straight man.

Sounds like you have a start in understanding somethings, but you've got a way to go in really *getting it* if you are still looking to her to somehow shape or affect who you are. It's not just your identity you've been denying, you've been denying her identity and needs as a straight woman as well. Sean can likely provide some insight here. He truly *gets it*.

Thank you for sharing your story, Gary. I wish you and your wife all the best in sorting this out.

 

February 19, 2018 12:40 pm  #7


Re: A Message to the Straight Spouses from a Gay Husband

Ditto Rob, Daryl, OOHC, and Lyonene,
I agree you have a long way to go in “getting it.” How very selfish of you to want your own authentic life, but you are offended when you’re wife suggests she also wants hers, with a straight man, which has been denied her? That just screams victim to me.

 

February 19, 2018 12:59 pm  #8


Re: A Message to the Straight Spouses from a Gay Husband

I second what OutofHisCloset wrote. Do the right thing and don't keep hanging around and keeping her in limbo. Sort yourself out on your own time and in your own space but let her move on with her life.


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

February 19, 2018 5:41 pm  #9


Re: A Message to the Straight Spouses from a Gay Husband

Thanks for at least being candid.  

 

February 19, 2018 8:47 pm  #10


Re: A Message to the Straight Spouses from a Gay Husband

 Thank you Gary for your message, however I need to agree with responders above.
When you are faithing your own struggle, your wife does the same, but that was not her choice.
She married a straight man she fought.
She sees you depressed and not happy with yourself and struggling with your sexual attraction. What impact do you think it makes on her, her feelings and self esteem? When you are going to bed with someone you know you can't satisfy? When you are not desired the way two lovers desire each other?

What I find disturbing in your message the most, is that you mentioned about testimony to your wife" One night when we were in bed I told her that I was bisexual", which is very manipulative and dishonest according to me. Because as you named your post" a message to the stright spouses from a guy man", means you are GAY.
That is a big difference, because being "bi" means you have attractions to both female and male and you gave your wife FALSE HOPE that this relationship can work in case she decides to stick around. And she did.

You cannot say you did this for her, choosing to be "softer" with the news. You did this again for yourself, keeping yourself in a safe spot.

I get it that you are scared of that "different" you in you and what other people would think of you. I feel for you...but you had no right to keep the truth about yourself for her. You cannot keep somebody hostage, because of your fears. We are talking about somebody's life.
Commitment is very important in the relationship, but not when you are doing this for your own good.

On the other hand your wife was HONEST with you when she said " do it sooner than later" when you could not do the same for her.

Believe me you are not the only one in the emotional rollercoaster in your relationship for a long time. And she came up to some terms with it too.

I wish you both happiness.

Last edited by Lena (February 19, 2018 9:07 pm)

 

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