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August 9, 2016 5:05 pm  #1


daughter's wedding coming up next week

I'm freaked out about this. While i am excited and happy for my daughter, i am dreading seeing my wife with her partner. I'm terrified of seeing them dance together, especially a slow dance. While I know this is not politically correct to say, I'm also embarassed by these circumstances and her life choice. She left 7 years ago, and I'm still not doing well. One of the reasons for this is that she has refuses to sit down and talk to me and answer my questions about why she handled this whole thing the way she did, why she outright lied in court etc...I will be giving the father of the bride toast, and don't know how to acknowledge her at this time. Help!!

 

August 9, 2016 5:30 pm  #2


Re: daughter's wedding coming up next week

I have come to the conclusion we get a sort of people ptsd, well I have anyway.  I cannot imagine anything more triggering than having to do the father of the bride toast in front of the mother, her partner and everyone else.

good luck!!!  

I think you have to accept the answers she's given you, with her silences and her actions.  Including the inferences - that she continues to lie about you.

I remember my mum used to tell me when I was at primary school just not to bother about it and focus on the people who liked me and I liked them.  which sort of worked quite well at the time. 

wishing you lots of luck indeed.  all the best, Lily.



 

Last edited by lily (August 9, 2016 5:38 pm)

 

August 9, 2016 6:23 pm  #3


Re: daughter's wedding coming up next week

Hi Jon,

In this situation, ALL you can do is behave in a way that will cast a favorable light on you. The better you look, the more your ex wife's behavior will be confusing to others.  That means that you look amazing, and she looks nuts and mean.  How much better can it get than that?

How people view you starts with how YOU view you. If you view yourself as the man your ex left for a woman, then you expect others to see you as that,too.  It's been a long time now. You are your OWN man, Jon.  And at this event, you are also the proud, beaming father of the beautiful bride. You can also choose to be a guy who looks good, looks happy, and seems well-balanced and healthy (mentally).  You do this by being proud of how you look, and wearing that attitude all day. You do it by focusing on your daughter on her special day. You do it by standing proud as you walk your baby girl down the aisle.

When you cast others in a favorable light, it casts YOU in that same light. We all know those people who only complain and try to make others look bad.  But it makes THEM look bad.  The opposite is also true, if done with authenticity and sincerity.  Be kind to your ex - you don't need to kiss her ass to congratulate her on the wedding of her daughter.  Pick something out that you can compliment - "you look amazing today". This behavior not only lifts the tension, but it makes your daughter happy to see two people that she loves behaving.  It makes her proud of you.

You don't have to say a thing about your ex in order to make your speech.  You can allude to her, or choose not to. "The first time I saw you, I experienced a love unlike any other I'd ever known before..... or since". Or "The woman you've become makes your mother and I very proud to be your parents". (It's true, right??).

Untether yourself from being her ex and see yourself as the parents of your beautiful daughter on her happiest day.  You'll do great!

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

August 9, 2016 9:44 pm  #4


Re: daughter's wedding coming up next week

Thank you both for your warm generous responses, you have no idea how much you have helped me today. I will make sure to re/read your words next week right before the wedding.

 

August 10, 2016 11:03 am  #5


Re: daughter's wedding coming up next week

I agree with Kel - There's no reason for you to mention or even allude to your ex in your speech.  This day is about your daughter and her new husband.  If your daughter wants to get up and give a speech about the two of you then that's up to her to do so.  But I've haven't heard many Father's of the Bride include the Mom in the speech.  Don't even give it a second thought. 

Show up looking spiffy and you'll kill it!  And everyone you know from your entire life who is close enough to be invited to a wedding will now know what's going on.  Just imagine the looks on people's faces  who didn't know (if there are any remaining who didn't know).  Trust me, it's won't be an oh poor Jon moment.  It will be an ooohhhhh I see moment and you'll come out looking like the hero. 

 

August 10, 2016 11:47 am  #6


Re: daughter's wedding coming up next week

I love Kel's response to you Jon.  She is so spot on.

Jon your daughter's wedding day is her day to shine. It is also your day to be the host with the most.  Don your tux or best suit and put that beautiful big smile on your face! Welcome your guests and shine while you dance with your daughter.  If you start feeling nervous about your X and her partner, put that smile back on your face and fake it!

You are not your X and her actions are no longer a reflection on you. When the crowd sees your X dancing with her partner they will know that you were a saint and put through the wringer.  It is a PC world so they will probably never say it, but they will be thinking it.  

Enjoy the day!  You deserve to soak up every beautiful moment of it.
 

Last edited by WendiT (August 10, 2016 1:58 pm)


"No matter how hard the journey may be, remember to be kind to yourself..."
 

August 14, 2016 9:02 am  #7


Re: daughter's wedding coming up next week

Jon, the wedding may well have already happened but I just wanted to add to the chorus that your daughter's wedding day is a joyous celebration that is all about her.  Enjoy the intense feelings of pride and love you have with HER.  Soak up every minute and spare as few thoughts as possible about your ex.  And remember that whether she lets on about it or not, SHE is feeling more fear and discomfort than you, as she rightly should.  You have no responsibility for her comfort or feelings any more.  Put on that suit, buff your shoes, and delight in the beautiful bride.  Your toast is all about that beautiful girl and your wish that she find every happiness in her new union.  Saying next to nothing (or literally nothing!!) about your ex will speak volumes.  If sad, painful thoughts of your own wedding intrude, push them away.  You can always feel that pain later, but don't process at a time you will want to be building better, sweeter memories to cherish.  Be brave and determined ... you can do this with style.

 

August 15, 2016 10:16 am  #8


Re: daughter's wedding coming up next week

Hi Jon,
 Just last weekend I was 1500 miles from home at my sons wedding and in the same situation. My XLW and her new wife where there as well. I said hi and was courteous but not much more than that. I actually felt sorry for HER parents who came all the way across the  country for the wedding. They are a very catholic family and did not seem comfortable watching my ex dancing with her new wife. After our 27 year marriage ended I have to admit it was a little uncomfortable for me as well.

 My advice is don't engage her any more than you have to.

Clif

 

August 15, 2016 10:35 am  #9


Re: daughter's wedding coming up next week

John,

I'm assuming the wedding happened already.  How'd it go?

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

August 17, 2016 6:14 pm  #10


Re: daughter's wedding coming up next week

The wedding is in 2 days, ex is now in town. One of the biggest issues is that she has never agreed to have a sit down talk with me to answer all of the questions I still have. Thank you all for the encouragement!

 

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