It’s been 5 years since my ex came out, ending a 27 year relationship, we have 2 kids together, and had what I thought was a happy marriage. The last 2-3 years were a struggle, he was always depressed, saying he was suicidal, but continued to tell me he loved me etc, even though the sexual part of our marriage was over. I tried what I could to interest him in me, but eventually gave up as continual rejection hurt too much.
He had a relationship with his recliner and tv, only interested in staying home and I poured my energy into my job. Six months before our marriage actually ended, I was ready to leave, he asked me to stay and try, so I did, but nothing changed.
On New Year’s Eve 2011, I really wanted to go watch the fireworks, yet again, he didn’t want to leave the house, so I went alone. When I came home, I told him I had given him 6 months, he now had 24 hours to decide what he wanted. New Year’s Day, he decided it was “ best to split up while we are still friends”
Shattered is the only word I could find to describe how I felt.
He suddenly started going out, we continued to shared the house we owned while we waited for a decision on selling etc, so I know he was going out. 2 weeks later I got a blocked call to my mobile, I answered and the person told me he was at a gay venue, and asked if this was why we had split up. I googled the name of the place, and sure enough, it was a hook up place for anonymous sex. I messaged him and was so angry, and I told him to tell his kids what he was before someone else did. The kids were in their 20s and we argued when he got home, he told the kids and they were surprisingly acceptive of the story.
I crumbled, my life had been a complete lie, I lost my virginity to this man, and doted on him my whole life, but it was all about him, and his coming out, and he needed the support to accept his new direction, telling me he didn’t want people to know, and I didn’t want to be that bitch that outed him, I had 2 people I told, and I wasn’t coping.
I took a job opportunity in my company that had me travelling the country for work, with some weekends at home, so I took it, I was happy away, we still had the house, but I was never there, when that job finished, I moved to a job about 90 mins from my home, and I stayed up there, renting a room in a house, and still paying a mortgage for where the ex lived.
I missed my friends and kids and dogs, and wanted to be home, but didn’t want to see my ex. We work for the same company, my bosses knew why my marriage split, and were very supportive, by this time, we were “friends” and by that I mean I put up a strong exterior while falling apart inside, and ignoring his sudden gay mannerisms and that anything in his life only had to do with him being gay.
He called me one day at work to tell me he was HIV positive, after listening to his story, I had to ask, was I at risk, he said no, but I had tests anyway, and I was ok.
I took off to New Zealand to party in the new year with a close friend, and decided that the time had come to turn things around, I would create the year of Julie and do things I had always missed out on. I did so much, dedicating my life to me.
During this time, my bosses asked if I wanted to return to Brisbane, but it meant moving to the same job site as my ex, I asked him what he thought, and he was happy for me, so I moved, I really wanted to be near my kids and dogs who I missed so much.
2 weeks later, I took off to Europe and had the time of my life, when I returned, the ex said we should sell the house, and I happily agreed, I bought him out, and he moved away, but I still had to work with him during the week.
I hate him, and everything he did to me, he’s just someone that I use to know, I do not acknowledge his complaining about not being able to find a stable partner, or when he complains about his bad back or the cost of his HIV meds, but I put up a great front that shows we are friends.
He didn’t understand why I wanted to move forward with a divorce if I wasn’t getting remarried, and when I said I needed closure, he was hurt. I didn’t care.
The ex then decided after a few years he would announce to the whole Facebook world he was gay and HIV positive, while he gained support, I had to relive the horror of him coming out as I then had a million questions from friends and family, again, it was about him and not caring about who he destroyed to get attention.
Two years ago I met a great guy, he was also broken, but we have started to repair each other, he understands why I don’t trust and why I hurt, he has helped me come a long way, and  I have helped him move on from serious trauma.
There is light at the end of the gay tunnel, but you need to take time to heal, take time for yourself, take time to decide who you are and who you want to be.
I am a confident women, I have a great job, 2 wonderful kids, a life that involves travel and fun, a new man, and bucket lists.
He has a disease he will never recover from, he’s lonely, doesn’t have many friends, and always complains, I think I got the better deal, sometimes, things happen for the best, even when they are destroying us at the time.
You can recover,  but give yourself time to heal. I still have moments of not coping, but they are becoming fewer and further between.
All my love and best wishes to everyone going through what I have been through, you can heal with time, don’t let the bastards destroy you.