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February 8, 2018 5:57 pm  #1

Devastated husband of recently out of closet wife

Hey everyone, so glad to read my exact story on here over and over.... Im going through the most difficult time in my life and thought that posting my story might help me feel a little better.

We've been happily married 11 years (together 12), both 33 yrs old, 3 children -  9, 7, and 5. My wife is my best friend and the person I have built my life upon. I had 100% trust in her, absolute.

The first mention of it was about 6 months ago, she said she had developed an intense attraction to women and wanted to see what I thought about an open relationship... She still loved and wanted me, she just wanted to see what this new thing was.The way she had described it kind of made it sound like I could "sowmy wild oats" having only been with a couple people before we married.... And we'd be partners in crime...I'd not known at this point that I was pretty depressed from the grind of life.... The burning flame of new love does die out over the years, maybe I could be open to this. Maybe it would be good for us? "Ok, lets try it". The thought of her having some one night stands with women seemed ok to my stupid man brain. As long as she doesnt replace me.

Neither of us did anything, flash forward about a week or so ago I ask why she seemed so pensive and anxious, she lets me know she's really gay, like all the way. She still loves me dearly she says, its just that I'm not able to complete her.... This new thing its part of her identity, its got such a strong pull. She wants to go to counseling with me so we can get ready for a poly relationship.... I said wait "whats that?" Oh... she wants to share her (our) love with other people. 

That night I was more curious than anything, I asked a lot of questions. The next day is when it all hit me. I realized that she was 100% ready to find another love. I cannot satisfy her.... our marriage has been amazing...I thought... we were always the couple supporting everyone else around us, being awesome. She tells me sex is very confusing, sometimes she's into it, but sometimes she is not, and that lately the lesbian thing has been so distracting, it gets in the way. 

Ive been basically having a nervous breakdown ever since this... Luckily I had just been put on anti-depressants which made me feel like I was waking up from a bad dream. Right when they started working she laid this on me. Right when I thought, "Oh my gosh, Im back! I can be me again!".....A few years of working 2 jobs at some points in order to support my wife going into real-estate - It was a huge push and I got burnt out. We grew distant from each other, as soon as I'd get home from work she was ready to take off and go be with her friends... She had been with the kids all day after all. Not an easy or fulfilling job. We got used to that. It felt like it was part of the grind and struggle to get to where we wanted to be. But we knew we could trust each other completely right?

At this point she's terrified Im going to leave her. She asked if she could take it back, she wants to grow old with me. She says she likes having sex and everything, its just nothing compared to her desires for women... I don't really do much for her..Its beyond me, its part of her identity. When I look into her eyes I know she wants me to let her go, we both know theres no coming back from this. She wont be happy, I wont be happy.

I cant believe how insane life can be, I mean what is this insane bullshit happening to me right now? The rejection that I feel, the helplessness. Its so much emotion that I feel like Im being crushed. I imagine her falling in love with some other person and it enrages me. I have been only with her for 12 years and I found out I want to keep it that way... I feel like this is an expiration date on our marriage, its only a matter of time until she wants nothing to do with me. The idea of falling in love with someone new and having this whole new identity, I mean it sounds so exciting. How can I compete with this? I cant compete with women! Women are beautiful and amazing! 

The most painful thing are the things Im noticing about how she feels about men in general. She's definitely a feminist (as everyone should be), but she really despises these kind of old fashioned concepts like belonging to each other. These ideas that are romantic to me, they are offensive and controlling to her. Its just all so weird. The whole idea makes me sick...Like theres something structurally wrong with me, Im not even the correct gender. I cant stand that this whole thing is the key to her happiness...So brutal.

We start counseling in a few days, and although the only thing I could ever want is to remain with her and keep our amazing family together- Im not going to sell myself short, and Im not going to be cheated on. I cant comprehend a successful recovery from this... I feel like I should just get the paperwork and get out before I can be crushed any more. I feel stupid for holding onto any hope. If you are ready to love someone else, isn't that beyond anything the tell tale sign that someone is ready to move on? Should I try to make it work?

Last edited by dobbobolina (February 8, 2018 6:07 pm)


February 8, 2018 6:40 pm  #2

Re: Devastated husband of recently out of closet wife

It's not you that has to try to make it work.  It's her.  You're already trying to make it work; you've been trying to make it work.  Her revelation and rejection of you because you are male has made it impossible to make it work.  How's that supposed to work, you knowing you're "nothing compared to her desires for women."  
  She wants to take it back because she's afraid to live her new reality and wants the safety and security you provide.  Guess what?  Your value is not in your use to her.  It's in yourself.  
  Sounds to me as if your trust is gone.  And what's a marriage without it?


February 8, 2018 6:53 pm  #3

Re: Devastated husband of recently out of closet wife

So sorry you find yourself in this situation. I just want to offer support. I hear how devastated you are. You are not alone. However, please protect yourself and your children from the person who is thinking only of herself. Your wife is that person. This has nothing to do with feminism. She is twisting the narrative. She is not a feminist she is a spouse who is hurting you. You are so young!  Your notion of a romantic happily ever after is what every straight woman wants from a man. Do not let her convince you otherwise. There is nothing wrong with you. This is all about her and who she is willing to sacrifice to get what she wants. Try to get yourself to an attorney who will help you work out what your options are. Take the money you are spending on couples counseling and get a therapist for you and only you. Your story touched me so much because I hear you questioning who you are as a man. Please know that women want exactly the kind of man you are. You already know what the outcome of this will be. When you are still in shock and in love it is the hardest time to protect yourself and your children's future but I believe that is what you must do. Hugs to you.

Last edited by Goonnowgo (February 8, 2018 8:57 pm)


February 8, 2018 7:19 pm  #4

Re: Devastated husband of recently out of closet wife

Honestly, I want to slap her. She wants you to support her lifestyle. She wants to dump the kids with you so she can go out and be with friends? You have worked long and hard to support your family!  She does not deserve you. Is there anything you can do to take care of you?  Do you have family or friends who you can talk to for support?  I know the other men will weigh in here and they will have some great suggestions for you. Do anything you can right now to be kind and good to yourself. I will say again, none of this is about what you didn't do. So many women here wanted and hoped and believed we were marrying a straight man like you. I am so sorry this is where you find yourself. Maybe your depression is linked to what you were not getting from your wife while you were giving everything. No one can find happiness in that situation. I went for so many years not knowing the extent of the sickness in my marriage because I believed in the commitment so much. I loved my husband and best friend so much. But I was also depressed. I think our guts know it even when our brains can't process it.

Last edited by Goonnowgo (February 8, 2018 8:59 pm)


February 8, 2018 7:22 pm  #5

Re: Devastated husband of recently out of closet wife

Thank you guys so much for responding, your words mean so much to me. I will say Goonnowgo- she is not a cheating spouse, not yet at least. Still defending her, thats love for you huh? I am focusing on establishing some rules to help me navigate this part of life... The ones I have come up with are #1. Protect the kids and make sure they are the highest priority and #2. Take care of me.

I start a new job in about 5 days, great timing right? 

     Thread Starter

February 8, 2018 7:50 pm  #6

Re: Devastated husband of recently out of closet wife

I totally understand you want to defend her. You love her. I am sorry I called her that without knowing the facts. I was just thinking if she suggested a while ago that she wanted to try the gay thing out, maybe she has? I never, ever, would have believed my spouse would cheat on me. And lie about it. I also had an expiration date on my 32 year marriage. The night I discovered he was cheating. Ugh.

Love: it stinks. After I found out I used to google how to fall out of love. I am slowly getting there. It is beyond painful. But there is a path out of this for you. And again, you are young!  Maybe the new job can be a distraction for you. Just know there is support here.


February 8, 2018 8:31 pm  #7

Re: Devastated husband of recently out of closet wife

Those are good rules and they will serve you well. You've already processed quite a bit of this situation. Truly how can you compete with the opposite gender? Sure you could let her go out and have her fun but what if she decides that she's connected with another and you are now the odd man out? What if you don't want to fool around with someone else? What model of a marriage relationship are you demonstrating to your kids?

Good luck with the counseling. It really needs to be truth time for her as she's said quite a bit that you just can't brush off with 'forget I said that'. This is one of those times when you are at one of life's cross-roads. Choose well and keep in touch with us.


March 4, 2018 7:04 pm  #8

Re: Devastated husband of recently out of closet wife

Well, we did some counseling but it really just made it clear that there is no way to overcome this thing. We wanted to try and act like it never happened but the person I love and thought I knew is nowhere to be found. The body language, everything, its just wooden and absent of anything. 

Im going to try for an "amicable" divorce, we both love each other and are in pain. I just cant do this anymore. We'll see how it goes. Tough times.

     Thread Starter

March 4, 2018 7:45 pm  #9

Re: Devastated husband of recently out of closet wife

Hi DB,

sorry for your pain - it is tough times and we do know what it's like here and can only commiserate, it is tough times indeed.

you are likely to find your opinion of your wife changes and changes again over the next little while - what I want to say is she's had a lot longer to think about this than you have, a lot longer to prepare for it, and you probably don't know the whole story yet, so take your time with yourself, it's a hell of a lot to process on every level, it's a body blow - rest as much as you can but do not delay in getting the support you need and do not delay in going for a consult to a lawyer.

Amicable divorces are basically ones where the details of the separation are agreed before it goes to court for formalising.  It took me 18 months to get that amicable divorce, it was a real slog - much harder than I initially thought. but better than the alternative of fighting it out in court.

wishing you all the best, you'll get through this, oh yes, one more thing - rule number one look after the kids.  rule number two look after yourself - well if you don't look after yourself you're not looking after them so you have to add yourself to rule one.  

all the best, Lily


March 5, 2018 12:50 am  #10

Re: Devastated husband of recently out of closet wife

I've been going through this for 7 weeks. The first 6 I've done nothing but try and figure out how I get back everything that I "had" before the day of "disclosure". Except that was my 2nd day of disclosure. The first one was back in 2014. I've been hiding out in his closet for the last 4 years, and now it's full-on affair.
We have a 19yr old, 17yr old, 14yr old, and 10yr old. Would be 21 years married this June. I'm trying to slow the train down so the kids can adjust. He's focused on his affair relationship and riding the fastest train possible. 
Don't let it get to that point. 
My heart sinks at your devastation because it's mine too. 


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