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Thu Feb 8 4:34 pm  #1


Confronted Husband/Need Advice

As expected he denied denied denied, he is gay.

He says the anal sex toys are for self stimulation and no partners are involved.
He says the the gay porn magazines help him with self stimulation and that he is "bi curious."
When I asked him how he contracted  hepatitis B Carrier status, at first he claims you can get it from contaminated food, I told him No, it is passed thru blood, seman, with activities such as anal sex. He then admitted he contracted it with a female 10 years ago when they had anal sex. He never told me about his hepatitis B status because he said his doctor said the virus is no longer in his body and he was afraid I would think he was gay since I found gay porn magazines right before he got sick with hep B. I told him that was selfish, and uncaring, he apologized.
He has not had sex with me in over 10 years, claims that after my hysterectomy, I was not interested in sex. However, I reminded him he was having erection issues and he apologized.

He claims he has never had any encounters with men, and I found no proof of any hookups with sites such as craigslist or any other hookups on his phone or computer.

He says he loves me. I told him I don't believe him, that he is attracted to men, he claims not gay  just "bicurious.".

he cries how much he loves me, and I do love him. After 43 years of marriage, 

He just came out and swore at me, says he has been a good husband, does everything I ask of him, but if I want a divorce f.....king file it, that he may be self absorbed , but never had sex with a man, and he hates that I accused him of that.

Is it possible he is just self absorbed with giving himself anal sex with these toys? No sex with me for 10 years. Claims he contracted hep B from a women.

It has now all become about him and me accusing him of being gay........

Am I wrong? Help me. 


 

 

Thu Feb 8 5:30 pm  #2


Re: Confronted Husband/Need Advice

But..... it's NOT all about you accusing him of being gay.  First of all, you accusing him of being gay is because that's what the evidence leads you to believe.  This didn't come out of nowhere - it's a natural conclusion to his behavior.  And him not telling you because he thought it'd lead you to thinking he was gay is very telling - because what he was afraid of is that if he gave you some truth, you'd connect the dots.

But again - it's not about you accusing him of being gay.  It's about him being a different person that you thought he was, and lying about it.  It's about him cheating on you with with SOMEone 10 years ago.  It's about him having a disease you could have contracted from him if the two of you had decided to be intimate, but him not telling you that.  It's about him not having sex with you but having a private sex life with at least himself - ordering toys and doing that in secret.  If there was nothing wrong with it, then why hide it???  It's about him trying to blame the lack of sex on you when he had erection issues before that.  It's about him being online looking for encounters when he's married and committed to you.  It's about him not being honest about who he is, what he wants, and who you are to him.

If you're not happy and haven't been for a long time, and have tried to make changes happen and realize that it's not going to, then you don't need a separate "reason".  THAT's the reason.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

Thu Feb 8 8:50 pm  #3


Re: Confronted Husband/Need Advice

Cindys,
No, you are not wrong. Trust your instinct !!
People lie about even the most trivial things.Of course someone would lie to you about things society finds unacceptable.
Is there anyone close to you or him you can ask? Do you know any gay men who also know him? They may be your best form of confirmation.
But be prepared for the truth, it may cause shock waves of indescribable pain that keep coming with every thought or memory.

 

Thu Feb 8 9:55 pm  #4


Re: Confronted Husband/Need Advice

Thanks for the responses, we had another talk and now he reveals the following:

Claims the anal sex toys is for self indulgent use and that the only way he can get sexual satisfaction is thru anal stimulation thru dildos. Says he was embarrassed about it because he did not think I would be into anal sex play but would like me now to engage in it.

Claims the gay porn magazines are free with the purchase of dildos. And that he looks at those magazines to learn how to self stimulate. Say at one time he was concerned that he was gay because he like anal stimulation but find being with a man repulsive. And he has researched that straight men like anal stimulation. And that he does not want to be with a man. He would like me to engage with him in this act! 

Apologized for being so "self indulgent" and not meeting my needs. Wants to explore how we can satisfy each other sexually. 

Claims he contracted hepatitis B by having anal sex with a female, not a male.

Just more of his story...........what bothers me I have no proof that he has hookups with other men, and he denies he ever has. I did NOT find any craigslist hookup sites or any other gay hookups during my "investigation."

Say he loves me, and wants this to work......could it be true that he was using the anal toys for self stimulation? Claims he is straight but likes anal stimulation........um

Please comment.



 

     Thread Starter
 

Thu Feb 8 10:06 pm  #5


Re: Confronted Husband/Need Advice

Hi Cindys

When a gay man says he loves you yes he means it, but he will always have the desire to be with a man. He may be fighting this desire but then when they open the door to find out there is no turning back.
He will lie about his hooks ups, he will not be the man you think he is to your face, and he may not even tell you the truth....
If he's looking at gay porn yes he is gay. Straight men don't look at gay men having sex...

I feel for you, take care and brace yourself for the worst that may happen now...
 

 

Thu Feb 8 10:28 pm  #6


Re: Confronted Husband/Need Advice

cindys.

Don't do anything you don't feel comfortable with. Stay true to yourself and your values.  This guy has proven big time that he can't be trusted. So what reason does he give for shaving and wearing bikinis now?  Does he have some kind of permanent ED?  If so, how did he have butt sex with a woman and why would he if he's the one who wants it. Or did she did do it to him with something and if so how would that cause the hepatitis?  This is all very bizarre. 

 

Fri Feb 9 12:06 am  #7


Re: Confronted Husband/Need Advice

Perhaps it's me but it seems that after you gave him some time to go away and think, he now comes back with all sorts of explanations that he didn't have on the first conversation. If it was true, why didn't this come out during convo #1?

I find it hard to believe that gay porn mags are free with a purchase. Women buy this stuff also so how does a store or website know you want this material? Maybe this is a half-truth. Perhaps if you buy a certain amount of product you receive your choice of some free items?

Some men do enjoy pressure on the prostate but, much like masturbation, one doesn't need gay porn to figure out how to do it and what feels good. I think if you were straight, it would be a turn-off and counter-productive.

 

Fri Feb 9 6:27 am  #8


Re: Confronted Husband/Need Advice

Thanks for your replies. I have a lot to think about. It would be so much easier for him to admit he is gay, my decision would be so much easier. And I love him and he does love me, but this is complicated.

I am going to get graphic here so I apologize if I offend anyone. I did ask him how he was able to penetrate her when he could not get an erection with me? He said he didn't really know he was drunk. He claims afterwards, his penis had blood on it and " she" then told him  that she had hepatitis but hopefully he wouldn't get it. But then I wonder if he likes anal stimulation so much, wouldn't he be on the receiving end of the act? And he was with a man? 

With these gay porn magazines, first he says they are free with a purchase of  a dildo....um. Don't believe that story. ( But I can confirm that because I know where he purchased them). Then he needed them for instruction.....um....don't believe that one. By now he would "know"how to do it. Then I one point he says he also looks at female porn, too. (But I only find the gay porn magazines.) Then he tells me he can project by comparing himself to other men. I don't know.

He initially told me he was "bicurious" but then with second conversation, he is not bicurious, but at one time he was questioning if he might be gay cause he likes anal stimulation but then researched it and says heterosexual men like anal stimulation and lots of straight couples can engage in this activity. And that he could not image kissing a man or having a man penetrate him.

I know the best approach with him is to be calm, and patient, and keep asking my questions. And really listen to his answers. Because he contradicts himself and can't always remember his stories, but I have a great memory.

His main point is that he is "self Indulgent" and stimulates himself that way with anal toys because it give him pleasure. He realizes how selfish this is. He claims he wouldn't know how to have a gay hookup or go about it! I don't believe that one, so I said to him, you had hookups with women you can hookup with men.

I am so sorry for rambling on......I don't know what to do. For now, I will keep "snooping"but I have alerted him now and he may be more careful. but he thinks I put an investigator on him. Which I did not. I can keep searching his iPhone, and see what may pop up.

I hate he has put me in this position. I am getting tested Monday for Hepatitis. Even though it was over 10 years ago......I don't trust him.

Thanks so much for being here for me.

Cindy





 

     Thread Starter
 

Fri Feb 9 8:01 am  #9


Re: Confronted Husband/Need Advice

I’m sorry Cindys but you are trying to make sense of lies and half-truths. You will never make sense of non-sensical information. You need to stop rationalising this junk he is feeding you. He is lying and gaslighting you. It’s dangerous to your mental health.

Please step back and see this for what it is.

There was no woman wit hepatitis. I would stake my home on that.

 

Fri Feb 9 8:13 am  #10


Re: Confronted Husband/Need Advice

I have to agree with Duped here.  
Your best course of action is to not second guess yourself and not to get drawn in.  He wants you to have sex with him because that is a classic ploy to get you to re-attach so he can re-secure you, which will allow him to continue his hook ups on the down low.  Meanwhile, you will be more thoroughly immersed in his alternate reality and more likely to question yourself.  I can pretty much guarantee you that if you do break down and have this sex with him, he will soon begin devaluing you again.  Recently someone started a thread on trauma bonding, and there's a link there.  I suggest you go and read it.
  And I know that we are an online support group for you, but I think you need the outside perspective of someone in your life that you can trust.  I predict that when you lay it all out for them, their first response is going to be "What BS!" and the second will be "Of course you're going to end the marriage."  
   Your know what?  Even if he isn't having gay sex on the sly (which is a virtual certainty in my opinion), he's been an awful husband.  And why would you put up with that?

 

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