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Support » another newbie, 1st post » Fri Jul 21 9:12 pm

hope4healing
Replies: 11

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Thank you to all. I'm very grateful for your replies and support!  My husband was discharged from the hospital yesterday. Before the discharge our adult son, my husband and the psychiatrist had a family meeting at the hospital. He'll see the same psychiatrist for meds and return to his psychotherapist (who was these recent events are family psychotherapist, meaning if we needed counseling we went to her, individually or as a couple. She reportedly knew nothing of my husband's sexual activity with men.  She knew he was questioning his sexual orientation in last year but he says he kept the rest secret.  I had my first ever unhelpful therapy sometime ago grieving the gradual disappearance of both of my parents to dementia.  I left because it wasn't helping.  I knew she was helping my husband grieve the unexpected and very sudden death of his brother.  But now I know he was discussing his sexual orientation with her too.  We overlapped somewhat in our work and I was befuddled as to why this therapist, who had gotten me through some really hard times in my 30s , was not clicking for me.  Now I know why.
I don't feel she was unethical because he conned her saying he hadn't acted on his feelings.  It's another loss , albeit minor compared to my husband because I've known her as her patient and as a colleague at conferences etc. for such a very long time.
He says he told her the truth today. I don't know if that's true.  Emotionally I don't care but I'll be mad as hell if he didn't tell her because she isn't on any managed care plans, and is very expensive. (Can you tell that some of my anger at my husband is displaced onto her? [img]http://cdn.boardhost.com/emoticons/sad.png[/img]!

I haven't yet been tested but it's in the plan.  My husband was tested for HIV in the hospital.  He's negative. I was told by the Dr, not my husband, so i believe it,  His STD results except one that hasn't come in yet were also reported to be negative.  I will get tested but it

Support » another newbie, 1st post » Mon Jul 17 8:52 am

hope4healing
Replies: 11

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PS I love the statement " This is death without insurance or casseroles!"  That's true I'm mourning the death of a marriage, of reality as I knew it, of the loss of trust and the experience of betrayal.  Thanks to all for reach out to me.

Support » another newbie, 1st post » Mon Jul 17 8:45 am

hope4healing
Replies: 11

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Thank you so very much for your replies. I'm very grateful.  
You each gave me several thoughts I hadn't considered.  As a young woman I worked as an orderly in a mental hospital.  Occasionally they would put me on suicide watch with one patient.  It was frightening because they gave us no training in emotional self care. (It was set up so that we were physically safe.), Later a patient on my unit committed suicide on the 1st day the hospital had deemed her clinically ready to live in the hospital but go back to college part time. it was horrific.  I continue to work  in mental health, now at a clinical level but in an outpatient setting.
Your right, I can't play that role with my husband!  He and I agreed we'd have Plan B if I can't handle him living here, But I do have to be careful about being at risk for manipulation. He conned me and himself for years.  Even if he works at it he can't change that habit overnight,
I'm I'm more at peace with him out of the house that will need to happen.  I wonder financially how will make it,  While I was not a full time SAHM I did cut my hours way back to be a home and thus made a lot less money.
I do know that my state is a 50/50% divorce state with a marriage of endurance (10 years) means alimony for live for the spouse who has lesser assets.
I do love nature and have been making it a priority to keep our bird feeders full as best I can,  I have oxxasionally sat in the sun before it gets too hot and just let them sun soothe me.
I have no idea what to expect when he comes home,  If he becomes suicidal again I call 911.
it remains very hard,  I didn't go to visiting hours last night because a beloved friend was at the house.  I told him  I wasn;t coming,  I was curt and he less warm in return, I told him he could still come home but that I was in angry mode.
Again this is such a headspinner!  Last weekend we were swimming together and were good friends!  I have no idea how he has kept his life so compartmental

Support » another newbie, 1st post » Sun Jul 16 11:53 pm

hope4healing
Replies: 11

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I have been married for almost 37 years, together for 42.  While we had some everyday marital issues we've seen each other through so much. It also felt like a pretty great marriage.  This past Monday he came out to me, out best friend, our adult son and our son's finance.  I was devastated.  I didn't have clue.  He said he'd come to this realization in therapy over the last year and realized it was not fair to me or our son not to come out.  He said he had not acted on any of these feelings.  For that I was very grateful.  We cried and cried together,  I tend to believe that sexual orientation is not a choice.  Also given the time we grew up in (the 1950s/60's it seemed possible that he had taken this long to come out first to himself and then to us.
On Thursday of this week I told him that I didn;t believe that he hadn't cheated with men.  He admitted that he has actively pursued sex with men since at least 1994, protected and unprotected while also being sexually active with me.
I was a devastated. I still am.
Very soon after this disclosure on Thursday he came to me and asked me to take him to the ER, that he had almost taken an overdose of pills and was feeling suicidal.  In my shock I didnt feel safe to take him but dialed 911.  An ambulance took him to the ER that then transferred him to a locked Psych unit. He may be discharged tomorrow or early this coming week to our home.
I'm furious.  He was beloved by all our family friends neighbors, our son and me!
I'm also scared, sad, grieving. having trouble with sleep.  
I can't connect the man I experienced the the repeated philandering.  (I now know details that boggle my mind and I suspect there's more).
When he first came put on Monday with the no cheating version of the story and friends supported both he and I.  Our son told me he felt like he was in a cloud with mixed feelings but was happy for his father that he could pursue his real self and find happiness.
I know that for me this can nev

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