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General Discussion » Questions for spouses of trans people » October 15, 2018 1:43 pm

KitKat wrote:

I do also want to say I’m not sure what to be referred as but I’m definitely not a trans spouse. I’m not staying and putting up with his delusions. If there is another thread I’m not sure what it should be called, but trans spouse gave me a bit of anxiety when I saw it. Maybe those who’ve dealt with this longer will have more insight.

And yes, this. I don't know if Shannon has copyrighted her term (can a term be copyrighted?), but 'transwidow" (or trans widower" fits perfectly. 

General Discussion » Questions for spouses of trans people » October 15, 2018 12:36 pm

I don't doubt that the number of straight spouses with a trans spouse will continue to grow, and as a straight spouse dealing with TTT, I am happy to know that all of this is being discussed.

To answer your questions.....

1. I do think a sub-section would be nice. It wouldn't stop me from reading and commenting on posts in the general area though. After all there are several big, really key, issues that both spouses of gays (and GID) and spouses of transgenders struggle and deal with -- namely betrayal, deception, and the realization that we were never the real object of our spouse's desire and were used as a cover/beard. It would make it easier for me to go back and respond to earlier posts though. (I say this because sometimes the posts about trans issues will trigger me, and I prefer not to respond right away because I just can't. Being able to avoid them during those times, but still have them easy to find would be great, but that's just me.)

2. Resources that are truly pro-spouse are very hard to find. In fact, I can't really provide you with any. I would love to be a part of the creation of a resource guide though, and will look at resources others link. I will say that the most helpful I have found weren't specifically about TTT, but rather more general information about betrayal trauma.

3.  I think the biggest difference has to do with "the BIG LIE" coming out of the trans community, and that is that our spouses are the same people they always were -- just in a different package. See, with that lie, the prevailing narrative is that we should be happy and celebrate this transition with them, and we definitely shouldn't leave the marriage. That would mean we never really loved them to begin with. See, once a spouse comes out as gay, I don't think anyone would really expect the straight spouse to stay in the marriage. After all, the 2 individuals are no longer sexually compatible. But the trans community, and now a good part of society, fully expects the s

Support » Where to go from here » October 8, 2018 8:43 am

Was it a dream? wrote:

I think the bigggest thing that worries me is him saying now he will never ever talk to me about it again because I went crazy and made his life a misery over him just being ‘honest’ with me. I have tried to ask him if he still has the urges and he says not and that it’s buried. I just worry that him living a secret life for years is not going to be an easy habit to keep repressed.

And quite frankly, Was It, I think that should be a big worry. This obviously bothers you (and rightly so), but instead of putting you first and trying to protect your heart and calm your worries and fears, he is more concerned with how this makes him feel. He is more concerned with how your reaction to what HE told you makes HIM feel and not about how what he told you makes you feel.

You are not his priority. He is his priority.

Marriage is hard and cyclical. Even the best of marriages have low points. I would be willing to bet good money that  those urges he says are now buried will resurface during those hard times. See, he can't deny them. They are part of who he is, and that is okay. What is not okay though, is to tell you that they are buried and promise you that they will never become an issue in the future.

Support » Step parent standing in for GX’s visitation obligations » October 8, 2018 8:31 am

Actually, I would check with an attorney as this may vary from state to state.

I am a step-mom. My STBX travels for a living, and his weekend visits were worked around his schedule. However, our longer visits during the summer were not. He would go to work and leave the children in my care for a couple of days at a time. He tried not to, but sometimes it just couldn't be avoided. The judges were okay with it. The thought was that the children were not "visiting" us during that time, but were, in fact, living with us. Our normal routine was for my spouse to be gone several days a week, and the judge felt that the children needed to adapt to that routine while they were living with us.

This was also many years ago and it may have changed or it may have been something particular to that state, so I would check with an attorney.

Is He/She Gay » New to this forum - Is my husband gay? » October 2, 2018 9:16 am

Daisy, I can't answer the first question. My spouse is trans, so I have actually never dealt with TGT and will leave that up to others to answer.

About your second question though.... if you are adamant about waiting until next summer to even confront him, I would find a good counselor to help you sort through things so you will be ready come next summer. You need to determine what YOU want and need in a marriage/in a relationship. How likely is your husband able to give that to you? You said you are financially dependent on him? Do you have a job? If not, consider getting one. Say you are using it as a social outlet or something and save as much of that money as you can. It will also help you occupy your mind and take it off of the all-consuming gay thing. As for relaxation, you can try yoga or long walks or bubble baths. Those seem to work for some people. I have found that CBD oil works well to combat my anxiety and acupuncture has been a God send for me.

Finally, though, and I ask this as gently as possible, why do you want to wait? I get that you want to wait until your son is away at college. However, would simply confronting and asking your husband about what you already know disrupt your son's life all that much? My spouse and I lived amicably together in the same room for quite some time before our teens knew anything was amiss, and they were younger than yours at the time. We are also homeschoolers, so they are home more than most teens. However, now that they are about your son's age they are home a lot less and would definitely not notice anything if we were going through it all now. Just because you discuss it doesn't mean any disruptive action would happen immediately. I just think you would be able to better move forward with either an exit plan or a strategy to make your MOM work if you could speak to your husband about everything.

 It is a tough situation to be in, and I wish you peace and wellness. Please take care of yourself.

Stay Strong.

Support » How to cope with CD husband » October 2, 2018 8:37 am

Confused, I'm sorry you find yourself here.

Your post has no questions, so what kind of feedback are you looking for specifically? 

I will second what OOHC has said. Take care of yourself and protect yourself. My STBX purchased and purged routinely throughout our marriage. Fortunately, he didn't buy couture and was satisfied with what could be found at the local Salvation Army. Doing this every few months for 20 years does add up though. I also had to be very specific and clear with my spouse because otherwise he would twist and interpret what I said to suit what he wanted. It was all very frustrating and still is.

I also have to wonder just how complacent his first wife was. I wonder just how much his crossdressing had to do with the break up of the marriage.

I know you are in therapy, but please do find a trusted friend or family member that you can confide in. I had trouble truly opening up to my therapist, and did better with a friend. Also, like OOHC said, what would you counsel a friend to do in your situation? What about an adult daughter? Would you want this for her?

Keep posting, and let us know how we can help.

Stay strong.

General Discussion » Things People Say » September 24, 2018 1:25 pm

My favorite was ...... "You should have just prayed harder." Really, you mean if I just prayed harder than I already was praying God would miraculously take away my spouse's desire to be a woman? Well, just how hard should I have prayed because I was praying as hard and as much as I thought possible. Oh, and thanks for shifting the blame of the break up and putting it squarely on my shoulders because of what I "didn't" do "hard" enough. Ugh!!

Fortunately, I have also had a hand full of people who have been wonderfully supportive and willing to listen when ever I needed someone, and they were also very tight-lipped about what I was going through when others asked. I am forever grateful to them, and they know that even now after many years, there are things that trigger me, and they continue to be patient and kind. 

Is He/She Gay » New to this forum - Is my husband gay? » September 24, 2018 1:06 pm

Daisy, welcome to the forum. I'm glad you found us, but sorry that you had to search us out.

Thing is.... no one can answer that question. Even your husband probably can't really answer truthfully.

The story we read most on this board is that when confronted the spouse in question will tell the straight spouse that they are bi-curious, but would never act on it. When confronted with more evidence, they may move to bi-sexual. Many tend to camp out in the bi-curious or bisexual area. Very few move from it unless they meet someone they are willing to come out of the closet for, and it doesn't matter how much evidence you find.

I am also on a board for those experiencing betrayal trauma. Most of the women there have spouses who are porn and/or sex addicts. These women firmly believe that a heterosexual porn/sex addict will move into same sex porn or even same sex encounters because they need to take that addiction to the next level in order to get the same thrill, but they remain firmly heterosexual. (I don't understand it, but something about the arousal template changing after watching lots of gay porn. I don't think I buy it though, but I am no expert.)

So, my opinion is that he is gay, but again I'm not expert and I don't know him from Adam, so take it for what it is worth.

I will add though that the fact that he initiates sex doesn't mean he is straight, and that y'all share a great friendship has no bearing on his sexuality whatsoever. It sounds like your plan is to live with this for another year before you confront him. During this time, please take care of yourself. Many women, myself included, have stories of the physical toll the emotional stress has had on our bodies, so self-care is very important. I also wish I would have taken a friend's advice to start socking away a little bit of cash and gift cards in case I ever needed them, but I actually was naive and thought my spouse would honor his commitment to us and his promise to always provide for me an

Support » Co-parenting is a nightmare! » September 23, 2018 10:53 pm

KitKat, I am so sorry you are going through all of this, but I know quite a bit of what you are going through. Our stories are VERY similar -- only I'm a few years down the road and in the divorce process. Unfortunately, because of that, I can't speak as l would like.

What I will tell you is this..... I know you have your hands full, but please speak to an attorney and find out what rights you have in your state. If you feel certain your marriage is over, find out the pros and cons for remaining married for a time and those of divorcing now. Transitioning can be expensive and if marital funds are used, depending on the laws in your state, you may have no way to get that money back.

Just document everything and protect yourself.

Support » Thank You to the “old timers” AND How do you do it? » September 18, 2018 12:32 pm

OOHC, I always love reading your posts. I love the passion and clarity with which you write and share your thoughts. That is not necessarily my strong suit, so I please ask you to indulge me while I try to explain my thoughts.

First of all, I don't disagree with you. My spouse will never know what it means to really be a woman. The clothes, the make-up, the long hair, the hormones, the surgeries, etc. None of it will give my spouse the same experience I have had as a woman. (Oh, and I even heard it referred to "gender corrective surgery" recently. Seriously?!?) And any blood test will always and forever, identify my spouse as a male. 

Nor do I want to welcome these trans women into women-only safe spaces. I am appalled at the way many have bullied their way to the front of the women's movement and have tried (and unfortunately having some success) to put trans issues at the forefront of the feminist movement. I am even more appalled at the treatment of, namely the encouragement of violence against, women who don't buy into the "trans women are real women" way of thinking. 

That said, in the name of compromise, I am willing to call a male who wishes to live, as best he can, as a woman a trans woman. To me, that signifies someone who is presenting as a woman but was not born a woman, and presenting as a woman does not make them a woman.

In your post, you ask a great question....... "But what would the result have been if he'd at 10, when he felt the first inklings of sexual excitement during his first early experience of cross dressing, when he first put his mother's slip on, he'd been set on the path to a public manifestation of this desire, been encouraged to define his entire life by it?"  You then answer it so beautifully, but you only mention what it would have meant for him. My question is what would the result have been for you? In my particular situation, I think my spouse would be pretty much where he is now. His path there would

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