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General Discussion » staying in closet but breaking up the marriage anyway? » Yesterday 8:34 pm

Rob
Replies: 17

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Trusty,
I think in-laws are caught in this like we are.. They will never know how much their child hurt us.. never comprehend.    I miss mine.. I drop the kids with them whenever they want..   They would be wise to 
be kind to you... as the kids mother you have more say in  them seeing the kids or not ...

My minority opinion. now...   my kids are doing well.
As for the kids..they just want a mom and dad.   they dont care about nor can they really help with your problems...that is ok though...    its true that they  will never know how much  we were hurt... but its may not help them to know the reason that we have to separate . I mean we have a hard time processing TGT..it may not help the kids to have that added to their worries also.    What we can do the for the kids is be the most consistent and reliable parent they know...the parent they know and love.  

Is He/She Gay » Acronym hell what do the acronyms mean. Feeling stupid » Fri Oct 20 7:13 am

Rob
Replies: 10

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brainwashedbeard,

I just want to say I know the feeling...don't feel stupid.      My now ex had me convinced that I did something wrong and that I had to go live in a shelter... all while I was paying for everything and she was not..    It took an entire support system of lawyer, psychiatrist, family, friends, SSN to make me realize that what she was saying was not true.     My ex would scream her lies with such conviction  I thought  things she was saying were true.   

Instead of feeling stupid  I think you should be proud you loved authentically and properly giving trust and love as one should.   Now that you know how you've been treated  turn that love toward yourself and who you choose.   These spouses, now,  are not entitled to our love, trust, help, resources anymore... they have forfeited all rights and privileges...

Small steps planning your freedom from the closet.   You in a valley for now.   It is not forever.  We are not stupid; it is only them making us feel that way.

General Discussion » staying in closet but breaking up the marriage anyway? » Thu Oct 19 7:08 am

Rob
Replies: 17

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Trusty,

Yes my gay ex was like that..gay affair, does not want the marriage anymore, I must leave...(the kids and all you own is mine).

Do not leave your home.  I repeat do not leave your home unless she becomes physically abusive.
She will use the fact that you left as a reason she needs full custody.  Do not leave the home without a legal parenting arrangement in place..else she may/will keep you from your kids.

There are advantages to staying and one is that you will see your kids.  The other is financially you don't have to pay for 2 places.
Downside is the stress of living with someone that now loathes you and sees you as blocking her from her new gay life.  They can become abusive...and hurtful. . (See any post of mine for details)

Gather strength, gather your financial info and get a lawyer.
She cannot make you leave the home unless she is the sole owner.  She cannot take your kids away from you.  Do not fall into her false reality and sense of entitlement.  You did nothing wrong..do not feel you need to solve all the problems that she created. 


These gay spouses confound me...they don't want us anymore ..fine...yet they want us to still solve their problems..ie. where will they live and who will pay for things.  If they do not want us they are not entitled to our problem solving and resources.
The kids are...but a gay cheating spouse..no.  I'm sorry but they have forfeited this entitlement in their decision that they no longer want us.  The fact she feels it's morally ok to take the kids away from you should shake any insane loyalty you have toward her...it's an inhumane thing...one needs to act strongly against this.

General Discussion » Gay but doesn't want to divorce...? » Thu Oct 19 6:40 am

Rob
Replies: 5

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Greyhound gal,

I'm so sorry...it's very hard once the trust is gone.  My ex had no remorse and did not want the marriage. .so she pursued her gay affair in earnest..  there I was snooping, wondering what she doing. She was doing horrible stuff but, also, lying to me about it.  Which was worst the gay affair or the lies..the answer was both.

Don't let him shift the blame back to you...this is all him.  Its a hurtful and demeaning way to live when the trust is gone...ie. if he meets a buddy for a drink is it two guys getting together or a date?  Why should you have to wonder?

Tell him just that..that the trust is gone..ask what proofs would he give to earn and keep that trust.
With a straight person it's easy..one just doesn't meet and hang out with the opposite sex a lot.  But with TGT there are no take backs. 

Just remember that it's how you feel and what you want...they cannot hurt us and then dictate how we are supposed to feel...a normal loving spouse would not do that.

General Discussion » How? How? HOW? » Wed Oct 18 8:43 am

Rob
Replies: 17

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januceyes,

Many of your statements resonate with me.. it was hard not to look at my kids and not cry.

I would say your gathering strength.   You are seeing how he lives while you are hurting he is quite happy in his situation...he thinks what he is doing is morally ok...hurting you is ok.

You are not idle.   You are doing what needs to be done.   You can/should. for example, when your up to it make copies of all the financial info as Abby said.    Maybe one day do something for yourself and the kids.
My now ex and myself continued to live in the same house even after she filed the divorce and wanted me to leave.  My resolve and stoic determination to be kind and continue to be same person I always was drove her bonkers.  

You are not alone.  You are not idle.  You are gathering strength and doing what needs to be done.   
I will leave you with an old quote;
"The mills of God grinding slowly, but they grind exceedingly small."   

General Discussion » Overwhelmed » Tue Oct 17 5:50 am

Rob
Replies: 5

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I would explain to your boss what's going on... (not TGT...that is hard for some to process) and see if you can cut back a bit on work.I needed my work to get my mind off of the shock and sadness and also to get away from my ex who chained her and her girlfriend to the house and would not leave.

If you can get paid leave though and use it wisely that is priceless.  The only problem I see with it is when you come back they may expect you "to be over it"  and that is not really how it works..  I find myself still not able to take on as much stress or work after this..not as resilient as I once was. 

So good to be practicing self care..I wish I practiced it sooner in my marriage as many of us neglected ourselves in the marriage and still it was not enough (and now we know why).

Support » assaulted by the trans narrative » Sun Oct 15 1:24 pm

Rob
Replies: 17

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Snookered,


Not pathetic.  I see a brave person who is doing what you need to to survive.

I remember taking a yoga class because it was entitled "brave" for people that had or were going through trauma.  I had to tell them that I was not brave..that I was scared and afraid. Only now over a year out have I stopped shaking.

A sincere prayer for you for strength and fortitude.

General Discussion » I am hetero, not bi, how to cope with CD MTF who just came out » Sun Oct 15 5:09 am

Rob
Replies: 6

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Pea hen,

Yeah I became exhausted snooping. Just that we have to snoop says a lot about how they are treating us..

It was my mind in denial..it was like watching a horror film.  Then after a while I was looking for some shred of love or friendship left for me.  It just became worst..  finally it took my family to tell me to stop looking..you know what you will find.

Hint..if you must pw protect your phone change the password or pattern often . Its very easy to see someone type it in if they use there phone often. 


So sorry.

General Discussion » How? How? HOW? » Sun Oct 15 4:52 am

Rob
Replies: 17

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Starlight,

You are in shock.  Many of us know the feeling ..our mind tries to process it and it cant. 

I can't answer why or how  this happens to us.  For myself I think it was  God actually looking out for me..my now ex became so very cruel in the end...just horrible.i thank god for getting me away from not just the gay but the abusive and inhumane treatment.  But I could not see it at the time.   At the time I simply took the treatment..watched as my kids watched me getting abused.( I correct them now if I catch them treating me like her..)

Know that you did nothing wrong.  It is not your fault.You loved fiercely and loyally..with kids to prove it.

What do you do now?  Gather strength. ..you have 8 reasons to gather as much strength as you can...those kids need a parent that is for them absolutely...your husband has demonstrated he is for only himself and will hurt without remorse.

You've taken a first step by seeking help and, in my opinion, not speaking to your husband.. detaching from his false reality.
He does not get to decide what you get in this life...he is not a god. A husband, heck a friend, is supposed to treat you kindly and love you. To treat you like that is really abuse, he is hurting you...like how an enemy would treat you.  It is not moral...it it his selfish version of reality.

We can say NO to the hurt.  We can stand for our children who he need and deserve an un-abused parent.

Support » My Biggest Fear in All of This (aka The Thing That Holds Me Back) » Fri Oct 13 12:07 am

Rob
Replies: 39

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Heard this and had to pull over on side of the road..fear but not alone..



Oh, my soul
Oh, how you worry
Oh, how you're weary, from fearing you lost control
This was the one thing, you didn't see coming
And no one would blame you, though
If you cried in private
If you tried to hide it away, so no one knows
No one will see, if you stop believing

Oh, my soul
You are not alone
There's a place where fear has to face the God you know
One more day, He will make a way
Let Him show you how, you can lay this down
'Cause you're not alone

Here and now
You can be honest
I won't try to promise that someday it all works out
'Cause this is the valley
And even now, He is breathing on your dry bones
And there will be dancing
There will be beauty where beauty was ash and stone
This much I know

Oh, my soul
You are not alone
There's a place where fear has to face the God you know
One more day, He will make a way
Let Him show you how, you can lay this down

I'm not strong enough, I can't take anymore
(You can lay it down, you can lay it down)
And my shipwrecked faith will never get me to shore
(You can lay it down, you can lay it down)
Can He find me here
Can He keep me from going under

Oh, my soul
You're not alone
There's a place where fear has to face the God you know
One more day, He will make a way
Let Him show you how, you can lay this down
'Cause you're not alone
Oh, my soul, you're not alone

Casting Crowns - Oh My Soul

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