Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?

Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » Tue Jun 19 6:21 am

Sean
Replies: 1099

Go to post

Thanks Lily. I liked that image of you quietly drinking tea on your verandah. This passage struck me:

"We can't imagine what it's like [to be closeted] because we're built different.  Yes I like my endogenous opiates as much as anybody else but to get it out of harming someone instead of loving them is well I just can't wrap my head round it either. At one time I was always trying to get him to talk, to open up with me and eventually I was pleading with him and he told me not to be emotional and walked off saying don't burst my bubble.  One of those few more honest things he said. I felt guilty at the time, now remembering it I am sad for myself, wasn't he horrible.  There was a time my nickname for him (never spoken aloud) was bubble boy.  I came to realise it wasn't me doing something wrong he just would never care about me.  But if I tried to leave, there'd be trouble. As their wives we are not just their 'beard', not just there for appearances sake.  We are supply.  We're providing the extra-good stimulation - they're not just deceiving their neighbours, they're deceiving the person who is up close and personal. It is hurting us and they know but don't care, sadly I think it must be the cherry on the cake for them."

Scary but true. I've read a lot about narcissism in an attempt to understand my own gay-in-denial (GID) narcissism. What you've shared sounds similar to a relationship with a toxic narcissist or even a sociopath. I characterize these relationships as "conditional love" because narcs and sociopaths don't have real feelings. They only want a constant supply of love and adulation. In my own gay/straight marriage, it went something like this: I'll continue to act like I love you as long as you go along pretending this fake relationship is a marriage. Put bluntly, once a straight wife starts making things difficult for her GID husband, namely by asking "Are you gay?" while also demanding love and affec

Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » Mon Jun 18 3:31 pm

Sean
Replies: 1099

Go to post

Thanks Violated and Kathyd for posting. In response to your questions Kathyd: 

"Why do they love their closet?  I hear that expression a lot but don't quite understand the full meaning.  I mean, my GIDH hates himself for the fact that he's gay I believe so why do they love their closet?

Before answering your questions, please keep in mind that I'm not a mental health professional. I'm just a formerly gay-in-denial husband/father sharing his own personal journey. So gage my opinions/comments accordingly.

1.
Why do they love their closet? 

That's a very good question. Like your husband, I actually hated myself but loved both the approval, secrecy and conformity my closet provided. I loved the conformity of having a wife and children. I so wanted to be straight that I hid a part of myself for most of my life. Something happened in my childhood or a series of events happened that led me to believe that my homosexuality was wrong, very wrong. So I hid it and continued to hide it for the better part of 35 years. I didn't just hide in a closet, I built the damn thing. 

2. I mean, my GIDH hates himself for the fact that he's gay I believe so why do they love their closet?

Maybe "cell" is a better word than closet. A prisoner hates his cell and often longs for freedom. But once out, he wants just one thing, the safety and security of his former cell. I reckon that's what the closet is for gay men, a cell. Whenever I meet someone, watch an interview, or read something online by a violently homophobic person, I now just assume he/she is gay-in-denial (GID). I reckon we often hate things about ourselves to a point that we obsess about such things in others...and even attack them for it. My former father-in-law was obsessed with his weight. He'd constantly ridicule other people for being fat. I think this is why so many GID husbands are homophobic. The logic goes something like

Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » Mon Jun 18 9:50 am

Sean
Replies: 1099

Go to post

Thanks OOHC. I hope life is getting better, and clearer, now that you're living on your own. I loved this:

"Deep and systemic" the warping is...

Sounds very Yoda-like. May the force be with us all my friend. Thinking of you. 

Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » Mon Jun 18 8:40 am

Sean
Replies: 1099

Go to post

Thank you everyone for sharing. If you're new to this thread, we were discussing a recent post. Here is the post link: http://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?pid=14837#p14837. In brief I wrote about how similar gay-in-denial husbands and gay/straight relationships are. In response to your comments: 

Lily wrote: "It [divorce] has been over 4 years now. He is in the closet, he poked his nose out for two weeks - he told me he was bisexual, that meant he was special, it meant he had a choice, and it was none of my business.  and when I kept on saying whatever it was bisexual wasn't straight and he should have told me he changed his mind, told me he was 100% straight and I would be considered deranged if I thought different. That is not an idle threat.  It is amazing the way people believe him and think he is such a nice man.  It is an enduring relief to be divorced. He loves his closet, maintaining his closet is his prime motivation - when I said he poked his nose out, not really, he was simply attempting to maintain it by retaining the marriage. He hated me for the financial hit of divorce but that's nothing to how he responded when I spoke openly about him being gay after we had separated.  He likes to charm any women who are friends or associates with me and then turn them against me.  Highly successful at it, the fact that it is to their detriment too is a bonus for him, he doesn't actually like them. I have finally realised how he has been playing these sorts of games all along and no wonder I was hurting so much and it's all him.  I've stopped blaming myself for feeling bad.  It doesn't matter what you do, if someone wants to hurt you it hurts." 

Wow. He sounds like a monster Lily. I don't know why but I always thought you'd separated/divorced earlier. I didn't realize it had been just four years. Your point about

Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » Sun Jun 17 6:21 pm

Sean
Replies: 1099

Go to post

Thanks Lily. Questions:

1. How long have you two been divorced? 

2. Is he now out of the closet, remarried, man/woman? 

Sorry if you've answered these questions before but I can't remember. Be well! 

Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » Sun Jun 17 3:48 am

Sean
Replies: 1099

Go to post

Good day friends. I've been posting for the better part of 18 months and have learned so much from my exchanges here. So thank you. While there are certainly exceptions, I'm always struck by how similar gay/straight marriages are to my own former marriage. I've just read some recent posts from new members and was struck by how similarly gay-in-denial husbands act. Case in point:

1. Before marriage: He doesn't seem that interested in sex but there is a very strong emotional connection.

2. Wedding night: Often another disappointment because what was supposed to be a torrid night of lovemaking, often ends with a dry (and very friend-like) kiss. She is disappointed and disillusioned from the get go.  

3. Early Marriage: The couple has quick and prim sex, but the frequency starts to wane often from once a week to once a month. He has trouble maintaining erections. He often claims fatigue or some other excuse for these performance issues.

4. First Discovery: He gets caught with gay pornography, questionable texts, racy underwear, or sex toys.

5. Mid-Marriage: Kids arrive and the couple has sex even less, but remain very close emotionally. They are often good co-parents, although he can often seem self-involved, angry, or self-absorbed. 

6. Second Discovery: Wife discovers irrefutable proof that her husband has had sex with at least one man. He panics and says it happened "just once" or "I was curious" often claiming childhood sexual abuse or porn caused him to "act out." The couple doubles down on saving the relationship through couples' counselling or a short-lived "honeymoon phase." This period is often when straight spouses first start posting here. 

7. Narc Hell: In the face of mountains of evidence her husband is having sex with men, the straight spouse is no longer willing to passively continue acting like his "cover" or "beard." Put bluntly, she's done with being his platonic friend. Realizing she's

Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » Sat Jun 9 12:20 am

Sean
Replies: 1099

Go to post

Thanks for sharing Violated, although I'm very sorry you've found yourself in this situation. In reply: 

[color=#000000]1. Sean and wondering, my GIDH also told me he fantasied about me having sex with another man, plus he suggested I could use a strap on. Then later on, he denied ever saying that.

Fascinating. This would appear to be another example of a gay-in-denial husband (GIDH) trying to act on his homosexuality, yet within the confines of a gay/straight marriage. It suggests that there are men who identify as heterosexual emotionally while being almost exclusively gay sexually

2. My husband is 65 years old and I just recently discovered TGT.  His therapist recently tried to convince me that he "just has a fetish" regarding self stimulation with anal dildos and that he is not gay. My husband had requested I meet with his therapist and signed a release. I basically told her, my husband is Gay, and I believe my GIDH lies to himself, lies to me and lies to her, and also he is probably very selective in what he shares with her.

This is quite an insight and, I believe, a very good sign that you're detaching from your husband. I reckon it's one of the necessary stages of healing. From what I understand, it's not uncommon for GIDHs to be full-blown narcissists, something I've shared about rather extensively. And narcissists are masters of manipulation and they can also manipulate mental health "experts." I agree that he's probably manipulated this therapist into repeating his lies, namely that he's a straight man who just happens to like anal sex and dildos. He's taken the manipulation even further by having you meet with her.  

[b]3. So then I told her all about my "evidence", Hepititas diagnosis, admitted to one male sexual encounter, no sex with wife for 10 years and when he attempted to have sexual intercourse on 4 occasions during the past 10 years could not get erection and blamed it on ED, Found a Craigslist note respond

Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » Fri Jun 8 1:55 am

Sean
Replies: 1099

Go to post

Thanks for sharing Wondering. If you've just joined our thread, we're discussing gay-in-denial (GID) husbands who want their wives to sleep with other men. We've used the terms "cuck" or "cuckold" to describe a (GID) husband's fantasy of his wife sleeping with other men. From what I understand, it often involves the husband watching, ​but not participating, while his wife has sex with another man. I never personally fantasized about my (then) wife sleeping with other men, nor did we have threesomes with another guy. However, I have exchanged posts with quite a few straight wives who, often reluctantly, participated in threesomes or hooked up with other men. But if any straight wives have experiences to share, I'd encourage you to share about it here because I reckon it's quite common with gay/straight relationships. 

Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » Thu Jun 7 11:04 am

Sean
Replies: 1099

Go to post

Thanks for posting Wondering. In reply:

1. My husband always said he fantasied about me being with other men.. to today he will still said it. I find it weird being gay you wouldn’t have that.

I've exchanged posts with other straight wives about this very subject. (I did a quick check of my previous posts but couldn't find the links unfortunately.) Please note that I am not a mental health professional nor a sex therapist, so what I'm about to share is purely my opinion. I reckon "cuckold" or cheating fantasies are fairly common among gay-in-denial (GID) husbands because they serve two purposes. First, infidelity gives a cheating GID husband some degree of comfort that both he and his wife are cheating which indirectly lessens his guilt about sleeping with men. It's a sort of, "Well we're both doing it." Second, I think the GID who suggests a threeway or encourages his wife to sleep around is often imagining himself having sex with other men. So his wife serves as a kind of puppet or avatar of sorts because she's doing what he truly wants to do, namely having sex with men. Again these are just my opinions so I'd encourage you to contact an experienced therapist or sex therapist, perhaps by contacting the nearest LGBT centre in your city or state. 

[color=#000000]2. Do most gay men have this fantasy? What do you think it’s about.

Please see the above answers. I further believe that a GID husband suggests his wife cheat on him, participate in threeways (with another man), or peg him (when a wife uses a strap-on to penetrate her husband anally) as a kind of anchor to his heterosexual identity. Let me explain that because it's a bit confusing. I married a woman, knowing full-well that I was gay. In fact, I've known that I was gay since around age 5 or 6. But it took me another 35-40 years to fuly accept it. So I have always been gay sexually and yet I was emotionally straight because I wanted a wife and

Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » Wed Jun 6 2:15 am

Sean
Replies: 1099

Go to post

Thanks for posting friends. In reply: 

1. Kathyd wrote: "It's really too bad you're gay Sean."

Too funny! Thanks for that Kathy. How are you doing my friend? 

2. Wondering wrote: Sean do you think gay men love their wives?[color=#000000] 

That's a tough one. I can only share my own experience Wondering. I think my first loves were: myself; my closet; my false straight identity; and approval from others. I felt affection for my (then) wife, but I don't reckon it was true love. I think I loved her for the role that she played, namely being my "beard" so people would think I was a straight husband/father. When asking this question, I think it's important to focus on actions, rather than words. I too claimed that I loved my former wife, right until the end and continued to claim I loved her in some of my earlier posts here. That was a lie. Love isn't cheating, lying, manipulation, blame, neglect, and emotional abuse. It has taken me years to understand a simple fact: we can only love others as much as we love ourselves. I was closeted because I hated myself for being gay. I hated myself to a point that I considered suicide. It was impossible for me to love anyone else while in this toxic and self-destructive state of mind. So no I don't think I truly loved my ex-wife. 

3. It’s hard for me to understand when he says he loves me I’m like sure.. I know my love for him was clearly much different but I want to know your views on this. Do gay men have a love connection with their wife?

Again, I can only speak for myself. Looking back, I don't believe I truly loved my wife. I was more in love with her role in allowing me to play a straight husband and father. I think you're right to ask the question: "If you love me, why are you hurting me so much?" The gay-in-denial husband claims "love" but only while his wife is willing to remain docile/quiet and play straight beard while he goes on late-night gay porn binges, sexting, and

Board footera

 

Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum