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Support » Where to go from here » October 10, 2018 4:03 pm

lily
Replies: 17

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"....rather than feel I'm the unreasonable one for needing honest communication about this"

Yes, well done.  Exactly.  Exactly right.  I literally shuddered when I read your post and remembered what it was like for me.  My ex succeeded in making me feel like I was unreasonable for wanting honest answers too.  

Love and trust go together.

Eventually my trust in him was eroded to the point where I began to look after myself independently again.  and that was when I started to heal.  That's what's happening for you now in coming here and finding answers for yourself.

Hugs.

 

Is He/She Gay » I think my wife is bisexual, having an affair too » October 10, 2018 6:13 am

lily
Replies: 6

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I don't think there are any easy answers once you have spent so long building a life with a closeted spouse.

But when you talk about soul and sanity it rings such bells, with all of us here probably, certainly with me.

If you can do it, the best medicine is to see her for who she is.  It takes a bit of time.  It takes emotional detachment.  But if you can get to the point that you can see how she manipulates your feelings then you are off the hook and have yourself back in your corner.

I remember this point.  It was way down the line and we were in the process of negotiating the financial agreement.  He came up to me in the garden and he hugged me.  He told me he loved me.  He didn't want to break up.  There were tears in his eyes.

And I believed him I started to melt into his arms but something made me pull back and look up into his face.  And he couldn't hide it, he'd been putting on an act.  I was glad, glad to be saving myself but oh god how much I felt that further erosion of my trust.

so be good to yourself at all times.  you've been looking after her and she's been looking after her, it leaves you with a deficit.  Lots of self care will help, even in the way you talk to yourself in your thoughts - time to be your own best friend again.

all the best, Lily
 

Support » Where to go from here » October 7, 2018 4:32 pm

lily
Replies: 17

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He's gay, honey.

He likes you a lot but he is not in love with you.

So much for the honesty, he didn't tell you when you were dating earlier on in your lives and he is playing with the truth of what he tells you now.

but at least he is telling you some of it - he is telling you he wants a man in the bedroom.  Do you?  I would be surprised if you wanted to be married to a man who wants to have another man in the bedroom.  Even worse when you realise it's all just an excuse so he can have a man in the bedroom and you are just wallpaper.

see my concern is this - he starts by saying he's 5% bisexual and had a little bit of sex with only one man.  That's known as minimising.  It is often a precursor to grooming - i.e. softening you up incrementally to accept doing stuff you don't want to do but become conditioned into accepting by degrees.

By admitting upfront to 5% bisexual he is making it hard for you to turn round at a later date, once you are further down the road, and say this isn't what I signed up for.

Trust - someone you can trust and you really can trust them - that's what I want for sure.

wishing you all the best, Lily

Is He/She Gay » I think my wife is bisexual, having an affair too » October 7, 2018 1:36 pm

lily
Replies: 6

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HI John,

I think the hardest thing about discovery is the way it changes your past as well as now - she never was the person you thought she was.  she always was deliberately deceiving you and she never did feel guilty to do so, any more than she does now.

it's horrifying.

it is also finally an explanation.

It's a shock, it's an increasingly common experience.  I am 63, I met my gay in denial ex when I was 19 and left when I was 58.  It took 18 months from discovery at age 57 to complete the separation process.  When I was a teenager I remember my parent's generation used to talk about 'levels of sex drive' that one spouse would want sex more than the other and they said that these were the worst marriages.  Considering all the other stuff that can happen in a marriage I find that telling - they are acknowledging the suffering of a straight spouse even tho not understanding the cause of the 'different levels of sex drive'. 

all those 'not tonight dear, I have a headache' wives.  now we know why.

Let me assure you that straight women are very different to lesbians.  And not just in bed, emotionally built different.

Once I had understood my husband was gay my first question was why had I married him, what was wrong with me and that's when i found this site and the answer - nothing wrong, the reason you married him was because you didn't know, he was hiding it.

The changes in her behaviour you are experiencing are overwhelmingly likely to be because she has a girlfriend.  

Look after yourself.

wishing you all the best, Lily





 

General Discussion » Warning to younger straights from an old straight » October 4, 2018 8:17 am

lily
Replies: 11

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the U of happiness.

I read this and it rang a bell with me - you start at the top of the U and by mid-life you are at the bottom of the U of happiness and this is what I remember from my 40's - I'd sort of given up, i was wanting to settle for whatever I had and so often I see that expressed by people in their 40's but by the time I was 50 despite the birthday with a case of shingles and my miserable excuse for a husband making me feel as awful as possible and being baited by his bestie, I was aware that I was climbing out of a trough.  

point is - there is a lot of living to do past your mid years.

I have never had a problem doing the maths, I have always been looking out for people that are older than me who will spill the beans.  why not listen to what the people are saying who have already done the yards I'm facing?

So me, I am 63 now and I chat with people in their 80s and 90s and nothing I hear changes my feeling that I was lucky to be able to get free of my marriage.  Unlucky to have gotten stuck with him in the first place, unlucky to have sustained such losses, but lucky to be rid of him now.  The thing that firmed up my resolve is when i finally understood that my marriage wasn't just not going to get better, inevitably it was going to continue to get worse.



 

General Discussion » Scared. » September 29, 2018 10:57 am

lily
Replies: 11

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Hi Mark,

"she didn't choose these feelings"

no she didn't, but she did choose to marry you and have children anyway.  

 "incredibly guilty"  

from the stories I read here she sounds like your traditional closet femme lesbian who has an assertive and moral girlfriend who is trying to make her straighten up.

sorry.  

there's an old saying - a leopard does not change its spots.  You are a nice guy.  You care about others.  and you will always look after your kids.  whatever you do this will not change.  Your good nature will be undimmed.

Consider this - on a basic level you are completely attracted to her, she is immune to your charms.  your marriage has not been a level playing field from the start.

don't feel like you have to prove what a good man you are - not necessary.  if she really is feeling guilty good for her, let her wear it, it is hers.  but to be honest, it sounds a lot like she is pulling your strings - she feels incredibly guilty, you give her the house.  

wishing you all the best, look after yourself - a time will come when your future looks a lot brighter, but right now it's a lot of tough yards up ahead.

Support » Edited » September 16, 2018 10:21 am

lily
Replies: 6

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great post oohc - I'd like to suggest it gets pinned for new people.

interesting point about the idea of being a woman trapped in a man's body is a misconception.  thanks.

I also liked calling it 'the price of freedom', that extra bit you give them over what the courts say - that's just what it is, the deal has to be in their favour to be accepted.  It's a pink girly self-entitled unicorn.

good luck Calamity, one step at a time, you sound like a good person to me. 

General Discussion » He’s confused, which makes me confused » August 31, 2018 2:32 am

lily
Replies: 5

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Hi - thing I think makes them not want to have sex with men despite having the attraction is when they are the 'bottom' or submissive one.

good luck with everything, all the best, Lily

General Discussion » Legal Question » August 30, 2018 1:41 pm

lily
Replies: 15

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Hi cc,

when you talk about being pressured to sign off it makes me wonder if it might be worth looking around and getting some advice from another lawyer, hopefully even more expensive but at least as expensive.

wishing you all the best, Lily
 

Support » what is going on here? » August 28, 2018 2:09 pm

lily
Replies: 17

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thanks OOHC, that is such a nice response.

I think there's this pretty basic thing going on, cross-dressing or not, and that to use an old fashioned phrase is animal magnetism.

Attraction or repulsion.  Who would have thought that you could successfully hide that!

For all the confusion I experienced for so many years, it was seeing him go all pink and girly, consciously seeing that my gidex wanted to attract men that clarified things and even tho we hadn't had sex for years it affected me viscerally, I found myself having waves of feeling horribly sick, grossed out is exactly right, it lasted for weeks. 

Better out than in, I reckon. 

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