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Support » Tactics » Mon Feb 19 5:39 pm

Newbornuk
Replies: 17

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Hi kel

Thanks for that post - it’s a real help particularly the rules of cohabitation stuff.. v useful! . Loooong road ahead.

Anyhow, am not going to defend her any longer.. I know what i believe, and I choose to believe that she was genuine when we made our plans... if the truth is somewhat different, it doesn’t matter, for my own sanity I am hanging on to this relationship having had value above and beyond creating my beautiful kids.

Support » Tactics » Mon Feb 19 4:46 pm

Newbornuk
Replies: 17

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Hi lily..

I value your thoughts but...
I’m sorry but you weren’t there - she was as shocked as me, she held me as I cried.. I value the advice, but I believe my stbxw that this hit her relatively late.. I dunno.. I think for my sanity I need to get a positive relationship with my wife out of this..

Anyway.. I’m coming round to the idea that there was sweet duck all I could have done about this.. that is a good base to build..

Support » Tactics » Mon Feb 19 6:46 am

Newbornuk
Replies: 17

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Hi- after long chats with her mum yesterday..I’m more convinced than ever that the relationship with the woman snuck up on her..

To be honest.. the dating thing is ridiculous- a short term temporary esteem boost to compensate the torment that I am in.. I won’t do anything.. I’m just absent mindedly swiping right for something to do

What is more pressing is sorting out the financial/living arrangement with the stbxw. We are in the verge of a major fight about it. I’ve had some legal advice, and I know what I have to do.. but I know it’s going to be messy. I hate her for doing this to me, but I love her for who she was/is.. and I also feel a modicum if sympathy.. basically.. I’m a fucking mess of contradictions...

Anyway.. I am strong, and I will get through it.. but she needs to start taking responsibility for her life and choices.

Btw.. is anyone else uk based or are you all American?

Newbornuk

Support » Tactics » Sat Feb 17 5:56 pm

Newbornuk
Replies: 17

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Thanks everyone

It’s good to hear your thoughts.

I have spent all day with my brother and dad trying to work out what to do/how to live.. so I feel like I’ve got a plan

As for dating- despite downloading tinder I’m really not even in the same postcode as “ready” I will be, I’m still under 40, I’ve got all my hair.. I’ll find people to entertain me.. I always have!

As for he stbxw.. I don’t know what she will choose to do.. but I have to let her go.. because I have to kill my romantic love for her.. put it in the same coffin as the woman I knew who less than 2 months ago addressed me as the love of her life.. that girl is dead., and I’m not sure I’ll like the one who has taken her place...

More as the horror unfolds!

Newbornuk

Support » Tactics » Sat Feb 17 2:06 am

Newbornuk
Replies: 17

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Hi

So my stbxw and I are going to share our house in the short term to give us time  to sort out the kids and the financials. What are good tactics in the short term for making this work for me.

My major worry is the times when I am at home and she is out with her new love.. how do I cope with that?

Also, should I attempt to start dating, just to take my mind off stuff or is that crazy and unfair to whoever I date?

Thoughts welcome.

Support » Am I crazy? » Thu Feb 15 11:00 am

Newbornuk
Replies: 10

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Thanks Phoenix

I’ve been skulking round the site for a couple of days and I’ve found your posts very helpful.

In fact, thank you everyone for their perspective- however harsh - it is good to have different opinions from my rose tinted glasses.

Confession time. I make television documentaries in the uk, and have made several where lgbtq people featured prominently, so I have immersed myself in that world. I would describe myself as an ally, so I’m always going to be someone who tries to have empathy with her situation.

It is good Phoenix that you have seen people embrace their exes status, as that’s what I want to do.. however, I need to heal and the question is whether both of those things can happily co-exist... she knows she set a bomb off in my life and is a mess like me. She’ll get over it quicker as she has a new exciting love to follow, whereas I fluctuate between bereft and ok..

I dunno, am off to see my family back home )we live away from most of them) this weekend, and seeing an attorney, but from our exploratory chats we possibly have different views on our finances (which are tight, before this even started)

Anyway, am going to try being nice, and adult as my wife and I are both from divorced parents and it was awful for both of us. If we can avoid the bitterness of our parents (which hurt us a great deal) hopefully our kids won’t have the trauma we did.

And I’ll stick around.. this is just the first few steps and I’m sure people’s experiences will give me food for thought on my own...

Support » Am I crazy? » Thu Feb 15 6:07 am

Newbornuk
Replies: 10

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Thanks lily. Being a newbie I haven’t seen all that many posts so far ..

That’s good food for thought..

Thanks for your help.

Support » Am I crazy? » Thu Feb 15 5:03 am

Newbornuk
Replies: 10

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Thanks lily

I like the metaphor of the cheese sauce.. I think I can see what you’re saying.. that enough nastiness will help me heal correctly. I think I know that, I had a similar break up with my first love (12 or so years ago - when I was in my mid 20s)

One thing I genuinely believe though is that my wife didn’t entertain the thought of being gay until she was in close proximity to a gay woman.. We had good sex, it was only after the birth of our second child that side of things started to dwindle.. and eventually it became a source of tension.. I think she was going through the Herero-asexual-homosexual journey.. but didn’t complete it until she met someone who opened that door..

Anyway.. who knows? I do really appreciate your reply.

Newbornuk

Support » Am I crazy? » Thu Feb 15 3:06 am

Newbornuk
Replies: 10

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Hi

TLDR version, my wife’s now gay, has fallen in love, I can’t afford to move out, So I’ve just joined the site as, surprise, surprise my wife has just come out to me.

Technically, I found out she was cheating on me with her new business partner/mentor (they’ve started a ceramics business) about a week ago and we’ve had days of hurt and tears and introspection and analysis of where we are. She’s been a stay st home mum since our first child was born (he’s 5) with a brief part time job before our 2nd.. but she has been lost for a while, she used to be a clothes designer, but was made redundant the day we found out we were pregnant, and couldn’t get back into it.. I never forced her to go out and work, because childcare is so expensive in the uk, that it wasn’t worth it for a dead end job, so I supported her financially, whilst she looked after the kids, with the plan that she would gradually encouraged find a vocation.. she started pottery, fell in love with her teacher and started an affair. I busted her within two weeks. She homestly has never had lesbian tendencies before meeting this woman

We’ve been together 8 years, married for 1, have two kids and own a house.. and we’ve been trying to plot a roadmap out of here...

There’s so much more to say.. but what it comes down to is this.. I love her, she’s my best friend, I need for this relationship to have mattered (and at moment, still matter) and I don’t want to go to war... but... I need to heal and move on with my life..

We’re going to have to live together for a bit, and I will have to know that she is out with her new partner in occasion.. I don’t know how I’ll cope with that..

My question is.. am I crazy to want to do everything nicely? Can this whole thing be done without bitterness? I’d appreciate any thoughts...

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