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Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » Yesterday 12:17 am

Sean
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Thank you for sharing Beth and for that reminder that the early days are the hardest. If therapy didn't work, I'd suggest you start your own thread here, contact the Straight Spouse's Network, attend meetings, and find a "sponsor" to help you work through the pain. You've come a very long way in just five weeks my friend. It took many of us years or even decades just to separate so I reckon you're on the right track. So keep going! You wrote: 

"[color=#000000]I do see myself as an empathetic person, perhaps overly caring and loving and I know I may get hurt and used because of that, but I would rather risk the pain than to behave like a narcissist myself, I don't want this to change who I am at my core.......I know I am strong and will get through this but I am just at the beginning of the journey." 

​Amen to that my friend! I'm not asking you to change who you are. That would be like me asking you to change your eye colour. My point was something like this: yes be a kind and caring person BUT stop touching the hot stove over and over again, hoping it won't burn "this time." What I mean is at the moment, your husband is like a hot stove. Any contact you have with him will result in some form of (emotional) injury. His mother may or may not be toxic, but she's like a hot skillet on the stove...meaning too close to the heat. 

​It's very easy for me, now 3+ years after g-Armageddon, to finger wag and (virtually) "tsk tsk." But I'll never forget how many times I cried in empty children's bedrooms, anguished over my wedding photos, and felt so much pain about lost hope that I wished I were dead. Mourning the death of a marriage, the death of a life together, takes time. And every one of us will take as much time as we need to heal. I can often fall for the "hurry the f*ck up" mentality, but when I feel frustrated with husbands or wives just "not getting it" I always try to check myself. So take as much time as you need Beth to grieve the end of yo

Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » Fri Feb 16 12:30 pm

Sean
Replies: 929

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Hi Beth. Before reading my answers, I urge you to book an appointment with a mental health professional. I am simply stating my opinion based on my own experiences whereas a qualified therapist can focus exclusively on you. I am not a licensed mental health professional. With that in mind, here goes: 

[color=#000000]1. H says he is not sure if he is going to tell anyone else about TGT right now.....he is scared of losing friends and family and his plan is (unless its changed by now) to get his new life established, meet new friends (gay friends i assume) and become happy and comfortable with himself and then tell people, which at that point he won't care what anyone thinks of him because he will be happy.......does this sound logical to you?

Ummm no. That's so f*cked up my teeth hurt reading his gay-in-denial logic. So it's ok to discard you because he's gay and yet not ok to tell his co-workers? What an *sshole.  

2. He also wants to tell people that we drifted apart or that things just didn't work out, ( after 20 years) which makes me mad because i feel that puts blame on me, he just isn't accepting the real reason for the end of our marriage is because he is gay.

Damn straight it's his fault! You can do whatever you want, but you're no longer the keeper of his secrets. You're free! Turning now to more tactical issues, you can probably use this as leverage in your divorce settlement. If you're going the divorce route, I'd talk to a lawyer as soon as possible. 

3. I have asked him if he would consider at least telling his mother because as i said we are close and i really need someone to talk to in real life about all of this, i know she would be understanding and of course still love him.

Ugh. Questions: What exactly do you love about this man? The lying? The new boyfriend? I've read about many many straight spouses who try to help with the coming out process. It never goes well because they do it out of the faint hope that, "See I

Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » Thu Feb 15 4:24 am

Sean
Replies: 929

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Thanks for sharing Beth. Wow. He sounds like a complete *sshole and now an *sshole dating a 25-year-old. Enjoy the inevitable demise of their relationship. In response to your questions:

1. Just wondering if you felt guilty and how you dealt with it?

Yes, post-break up I eventually felt very guilty. I dealt with my guilt via therapy, lots of reading/introspection, and posting here. 

2. And if your friendship with your wife is a close friendship or just a get along ok type of friendship?

​Friendly but very business-like. For a time, we tried to remain close friends but it was just too painful and weird for both of us. I'm not sure how to describe that period. It was like an inmate trying to remain friends with a prison guard or perhaps a rehab patient trying to keep in touch with a former doctor. The relationship was fundamentally unsound so being friends just took us back to all the bad sh*t I did. It was better when we both moved on. It allowed us to stop focusing on our broken relationship and start focusing on the kids. 

3. Has she met your boyfriend?

No she refuses to, as do my kids. But it will eventually happen. I'm no longer pushing anyone as I did that for too long. When they ask, they'll meet him. 

4. And how did you feel when she started dating?

I don't believe she's dating but I'm all for it. She deserves a straight man who wants to be with her. 

5. I really have high hopes for a friendship, I am close with his mother so us getting along will be better in the long run, but I feel it will be harder for him at this point.....I guess time will tell.
 

​I'd work on managing those expectations if I were you. You deserve better than friends like this: 

​'I was telling him the other night how i feel like my life is all out of my control, like I will be alone and lonely and divorced and have to move at some point and my future is uncertain and I question what was real and nor re

Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » Wed Feb 14 8:00 am

Sean
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Thank you for sharing Cindys and Duped. In reply: 

1. Sean, HELP ME, HELP ME. I find myself slipping wanting to believe him. He claims he only had one gay sexual encounter which he did not like and it scared him cause he contracted hep B so he has never had another encounter with a man. And that was not him, he is not gay because he would not like a man kissing him.

Of course you want to believe him. We all want to be loved. We all want our relationships to last. But the facts just don't add up. Anyone claiming, "It happened just once" is actually saying, "I only got caught once." So Hep B was first from seafood, then a woman, and now a man...sorry just "one man." He's lying and you know it.  
2. He claims for the 10 years we did not have sex , all he did was self stimulate with anal sex toys and watch gay porn, that he was scared to have sex with me because he had difficulty with ED and could not have sex the normal way.

Straight men don't watch gay porn. Period. 

3. He claims after 4 years of searching he was afraid he was gay because he likes anal stimulation but his research reassured him that straight guys like it, too.

If by "research" he's referring to having sex with the guys hanging around the local cruising park and watching gay porn, I'm sure he's quite the expert. All kidding aside, he's afraid of losing his straight existence and you're his anchor to that false self. He's afraid of being gay, living openly, and losing you. 

4. And now he has found the answer he can have sex with me if with me "pegging." Because he is now turned on by watching porn and a female pegging a male.

How generous of him. What's missing from all of this is, "I'm attracted to you." From what you've shared, he's admitted to gay sex, watching gay porn, and sticking sex toys up his *ss. You two also haven't had sex in 10 years. Gay. Gay. And gay in my book. 

5. I had [b]told him that I would alw

Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » Tue Feb 13 12:19 pm

Sean
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Beth I'm so sorry to have missed your original post. Before reading my answers, please keep in mind that I am not a mental health professional. I'm just sharing my opinions based on my own journey as a gay-in-denial husband who eventually came out and divorced. With that in mind, please find my responses below: 

[color=#000000]1. H[usband] came out to me 5 weeks ago after an entire year of me thinking he was just having a severe midlife crisis....A year ago he seemingly changed over night into a nasty, angry, blaming person, kept telling me the things i did that were wrong that made us not a good match after 20 years, i was told we were not compatible and he was not happy and he wanted someone different than me and he wanted a new life, that was followed but months of his saying he wanted a divorce and was going to move out and mostly ignored me and i swear his eyes were black at times like he was insane.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I too put my wife though something similar. Rather than admit I was gay, I tried to act like such an *sshole probably so that she'd leave me. It was painful and unnecessary. I believe I was just spewing venom that came from my own self-hatred for being gay. My ex-wife also said I had different eyes as well. It must have been very painful for you.   

2. That went on for 6 months and then he seemed to calm down but was depressed and distant for months, he avoided me over the holidays and then 5 weeks ago told me he was gay...........He broke down, he cried, and said he has been trying to tell me for the past 2 years but he just couldn't go on any longer, said the life he was living was killing him, he could no longer be in the role of a husband (we have no kids) and he was not happy and has never been happy and he wants to finally act on these feeling he has always had and see if he will then be happy, said he wanted to make sure i was ok and then he would worry about himself...

​I'm sorry you had to go

Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » Tue Feb 13 6:21 am

Sean
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Thank you for sharing Cindys and Daryl. In reply: 

1. Sean, Thank you so much for responding. My husband just written me a note and has admitted he has one gay encounter when he contracted hep B 10 years ago. He claims he enjoys masturbating and looking at himself in a mirror. He c[b]laims to only have one gay encounter and that after this encounter and contracting Hep B, it scared him "straight" and he does not like being intimate with a man, prefers a women strap a dildo on. He claims after the Hep B scare[/b] he has engaged in anal self stimulation. But no further gay encounters and he has limited his gay porn. (Although I found evidence on his pants and discovered a porn site on his phone) I know If I stayed with him, this behavior would continue. 

Has anyone ever had just one cigarette, one drink, or one puff of a joint? He's minimizing because he's scared: scared of being gay and scared of losing you because you're his last link to a straight existence. What's sad is that he's not so much lying to you as much as he's lying to himself. When he's with you, he truly believes the lies he's telling. But as you've written, the facts overwhelmingly prove that he's gay. 

2. Well he's slowly getting there.
He still loves me and wants our marriage to work. And I do believe he loves me, but our marriage is over.

I agree. 

​3. I am somewhat relived he shared with me the few details he did. He is convinced he is not gay, but it does not matter to me if he is or isn't at this point. I just know he will no longer be my husband.


​I've read similar stories from other straight spouses. There simply comes a point when the straight wife has had enough of his lies, evasions, and manipulations. There comes a point when what he says no longer matters because the evidence overwhelmingly confirms he's gay, cheating, and lying

Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » Mon Feb 12 7:41 pm

Sean
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I'm very sorry you're here Cindys. I'll try to address your post but please keep in mind that I'm expressing my opinion. I'm not a mental health professional. 

1. Gay Porn Magazines: 12 years ago I found them, he then told me someone brought them for him as a joke, the recent gay porn magazines I found 3 weeks ago, were free with the purchase of dildos. And he claimed he never looked at gay porn only on those 2 occasions, but I found he opened a gay porn magazine on his iPhone, so I told him I knew he was lying, he then said he may watch gay porn but stopped that last year. He says he also watches other porn and would rather have a woman strap a dildo on and do it to him. That he could not imagine kissing a man or having sex with a man
.

​I reckon he's lying. He seems to have a pattern: lie; minimize ("just once"); then when you confront him with more proof and he lies again. 

2. He has NOT had sex with me for 10 years, says he has ED. He claims he ONLY has sex with himself with inserting dildos and masturbating. That he knows he has been selfish and self indulgent and he wants our relationship to work.

This fits a common pattern with gay in denial husbands (GIDHs). They don't have sex with their wives for years or even decades. Moreover, if he's masturbating, then he's somehow getting erections. I don't know a lot of straight men who enjoy anal stimulation so this suggests he's probably gay. 

3. He contracted hepatitis B 12 years ago and I just recently found out looking at his medical records. He tried to deny it at first saying he got it thru food, I told him you only contract Hep B thru blood, semen, or anal sex. He then cried and said he strayed one time with a female and had anal sex with her, and when he pulled out his penis was all bloody.

​Good on you for doing your homework. The hepatitis coincides with the gay porn

Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » Thu Feb 8 4:57 pm

Sean
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Thanks for sharing Roo. It takes a lot of courage to post here my friend so bravo for being so honest. In reply: 

1. I was wondering if he is so addicted to anal sex and giving BJ's now, can it/will it get worse. I think I am in a losing battle even if I do take on the dominate mistress more often. 


​Perhaps it's time to stop seeing all of this as an "addiction" or an "anomaly." All evidence suggests his attraction to men (and men's body parts) is likely his true sexual nature.    

2. Yes, he wants me to always call him a "slug/faggot" when we are having straight sex. That seems to really get him off, big time.

Not really my cup of tea but some men get off on it. Question: can he still have normal intercourse (meaning penis in vagina)? If he only wants to be penetrated while being called a "slut/faggot" I reckon we no longer need to debate his true sexuality. 


3. No, I am not comfortable using a dildo on him, but I do it, and I don't know why. 

Tell him. This is your life and your sex life as well. 

4. Yes, he would not have a problem with me going out and having sex with another man. I DEFINITELY DO NOT WANT THAT. We've done the swing clubs many years ago and again, I was very uncomfortable with it. Honestly, if/when we do divorce, I'm not sure I could be intimate with anyone ever again. Especially at 57. 

Oh Roo I'm so sorry. I wish I could take away the pain. Straight spouses do everything possible to keep their gay-in-denial husbands happy. Sadly most of the time things just don't work out. You deserve a straight man who is crazy about you. Please keep coming back and sharing. You are not alone. 

Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » Thu Feb 8 2:34 am

Sean
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Thank you both for writing. Please keep in mind that I'm not a mental health professional. I'm simply expressing my opinions. In response to Roo's post: 

1. Sorry if this is a bit on the graphic side...Can a man actually just be Bi if he is going to gay bath houses for strange sex, on gay hook-up sites and craigslist looking for sex with strange men? I have evidence of this. I have screenshots on my phone of where he's been a few times, I created a fake profile on a gay hook-up site and printed some of his messages and pictures of toys he has hidden in the office at work.  I DON'T PLAY!

Clearly! Question: what difference does it make whether he's gay or bi? I reckon you're negotiating with reality and that sounds a bit like this. "Well if he's gay then we have to break up but if he's bisexual then perhaps our relationship has a chance." In our previous exchanges, I encouraged you to focus on his actions rather than his words. If he's having sex with both men and women, then he's attracted to both sexes. If he's cheating with just men and using his wife as a gay sex prop, meaning he constantly wants you to penetrate him with dildos while calling him a "dirty faggot", then he's definitely in rainbow territory. But none of this matters. Now I encourage you to focus on you, your needs, and your feelings. The most important thing is how this matters to you. If he's having sex outside of your marriage, then get tested for STDs and practice only safe sex. Most importantly, ask yourself: Am I enjoying this? Is this my definition of love? Am I happy?    

2. A[color=#000000][b]lso, if he is always wanting to have sex with me, complains I don't initiate sex, is always talking about women he sees on tv about how hot they are and what he would like to do (he has always talked like this so I just blow it off), how could he be totally gay? Could he be a sex addict and doesn't matter how he gets it? We have tried the pegging thing and he seems to real

Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » Mon Feb 5 2:52 am

Sean
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Thanks for sharing CJ. There comes a point in all gay/straight relationships when the straight spouse no longer looks to her gay in denial husband (or "GIDH") for answers. People divorce all the time because of: lack of sex/intimacy; too much conflict; mental illness; or people just grow apart. I've just read the following post from a new member who is planning to confront her husband: 

"Here is what I do know:
1. 15 years ago, found gay porn magazines. I confronted my husband then and he told me co-workers were playing a joke on him. I choose to believe him.
2. Three weeks ago, I discovered 3 gay porn magazines, 2 dildos, anal sex toys, lubricate.
3. He has not had sex with me for over 10 years, he has ED.
4. He travels on business every week, multiple states.
5. he brought new bikini underwear, shaves pubic hair.
6. Found fecal matter in weird places on outside of pants and zipper.
7. Make inappropriate comments and jokes about gays
8. there is no evidence, yet, on his computer or i-phone of any hookups or sexual encounters with men.
9. Married 43 years and I am 63 years old. He is a good man, cares and love me....and I love him, BUT
now I am done. I want him to speak the truth to me, I know the truth, I believe w/o a doubt he is having sexual encounters with men. 

[color=#000000]So with those known facts, how to approach him? I thought about writing a letter rather than iniating a conversation. Stating in the letter, that I know his secret, that I will never reveal it to anyone but that I need him to speak the truth. Because I already know the truth, I know All of it.  That I know he is having sexual encounters with men. Or just do it in a conversation. I did not plan on giving him specifics of what I know....

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