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General Discussion » Why does a forum for straightspouses ask advice from a gay person » April 1, 2019 1:21 pm

Ellexoh_nz
Replies: 20

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JenS wrote:

......  Let's welcome multiple voices, with different perspectives, in recognition of the fact that what helps one person may not help another. 

 

Exactly. I am a voice. I asked a question from a different perspective.  
 

General Discussion » Why does a forum for straightspouses ask advice from a gay person » March 31, 2019 7:09 pm

Ellexoh_nz
Replies: 20

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lily wrote:

yes, agree with Duped Ellexoh.

 

I've thought about asking the question for a while. It's a difficult one to ask, maybe some have wanted to ask before 
but haven't because of the reaction. 

But now I have asked it...I'm not going to curl up in a ball at the accusations of trolling.


 

General Discussion » Why does a forum for straightspouses ask advice from a gay person » March 31, 2019 6:01 pm

Ellexoh_nz
Replies: 20

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Duped wrote:

So now you are downgrading your question to ask why strangers ask a strange gay man for advice about all things gay that they don’t understand. Why not?? Weird question.
It wasn't a downgrade....it was a fleshing out of my comment. That's what discussion is all about

Much less harmful to them than staying in a relationship with a gay (bi) man who has lied and cheated and believing a single word that comes out of their mouth. There are many levels of bi....I'm dealing with what I have on MY level. I won't compare apples with oranges, that wouldn't be fair

Furthermore, what business is it of someone from the MOM section to question what non-MOM section people do here (haven’t we heard that continuously the other way around?) We can’t go there and give our penny worth but you can skip all around and say what you want.
I thought my question was okay for General Discussion. If I'd posted on the MOM board....I'd have been vilified..lol  

 

Support » So hurt and confused.. » March 31, 2019 3:37 pm

Ellexoh_nz
Replies: 16

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Blankspace....I'm sure you're not a blank space but you need to unburden yourself and talk to somebody. Family, close friend....but you can't keep his secret to yourself. That will be soul-destroying

General Discussion » Why does a forum for straightspouses ask advice from a gay person » March 31, 2019 3:32 pm

Ellexoh_nz
Replies: 20

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Duped wrote:

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

It's a question I'm asking because even with reform and atonement I myself would still not ask advice from a person who had hurt another in the way he has.

 And yet you choose to trust and believe and remain committed to someone who has broken your trust previously?

I think this thread is deliberately inflammatory and defunct.

Good point Duped. But Sean is a stranger to most, if not all...and the people asking him questions are strangers to him.
I've seen many a time on the forum "ask questions" I believe I've put this in the correct section. It would have been inflammatory if I'd posted it in Seans thread yes?
 

General Discussion » Why does a forum for straightspouses ask advice from a gay person » March 30, 2019 6:26 pm

Ellexoh_nz
Replies: 20

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Duped wrote:

I don’t think he has attained anything like a saint-like status. People are just thanking him for giving them feedback from his experience that resonates profoundly.

If you wanted to know how best to protect your home, you’d do well to ask a burglar.

Most people come here confused, having been lied to and gaslit for ages and benefit from hearing it from a perpetrator. I guess the other question is why does it bother you?

 
I was curious that's all. I didn't say it bothered me.

It's a question I'm asking because even with reform and atonement I myself would still not ask advice from a person who had hurt another in the way he has.

General Discussion » Why does a forum for straightspouses ask advice from a gay person » March 30, 2019 1:01 pm

Ellexoh_nz
Replies: 20

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I know I'm going to get a lot of people's backs up with my thoughts but decided mine is a genuine question.

I don't understand why Sean has attained an almost saint-like status among you all. Considering....

Strategies for MOM's » Accept? » March 29, 2019 10:19 pm

Ellexoh_nz
Replies: 5

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I had to log off partway through my last reply....lol 

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Remember when our children were little and they wanted something but weren't allowed it...so they'd throw a monumental tantrum...and we'd give in, then kick ourselves for doing so because that's not how you learn boundaries?

 
....well if your mind is set on how you want your life to be, and you have a husband saying "but I want this"...which would ultimately change your life....and you don't want to live your life that way.....you simply have to tell him that.

Married30yrs wrote:

Ellexoh_nz - Thank you! Yes...exactly...I did not WANT this and still don't. Are you still with your spouse? If so, what parameters were/ are ok with? 

Yes we are still together....he knows how I feel. I told him "if that is what you want then go....you'll be doing it without me" 
He said "That's okay for the 5% of the time but I'd miss us...and the things we do together" 
So he is prepared to forgo that part of himself. 
I'm not okay with any of it....but this new way of life is, will be I think, always evolving so I haven't set any parameters but do expect honesty if ever he decides to waver

 

Strategies for MOM's » Accept? » March 29, 2019 1:16 pm

Ellexoh_nz
Replies: 5

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It's been a little over two years since I had the "I want to explore my bi side" email.
The biggest lesson I've learned is that by focusing on our partners, making this about them and thinking it's US that has to bow down and accept something that goes against every fibre of our being...that we almost convince ourselves I that it's  US that has to do the work. US who has to 'accept'. US that should spend our time angsting and overthinking. Why?

We're not wanting to change the parameters, we haven't wanted to change the dynamics.
It's him. He must make the choice. But in making it be has to realise it's not how you wish to live your life. And you have to realise that him choosing to please himself will be choosing something over what he has with you.
So Married430...you're going to have to be even stronger, and tell him this is not what you want.

Remember when our children were little and they wanted something but weren't allowed it...so they'd throw a monumental tantrum...and we'd give in, then kick ourselves for doing so because that's not how you learn boundaries?

Support » How do you deal with doubts? » March 28, 2019 1:05 pm

Ellexoh_nz
Replies: 15

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Mimi wrote:

........Regarding his sexuality, it’ll be a matter of time where he can’t not act on it. Why wouldn’t he? I’ll spend the rest of my life not feeling wanted.

 

This is why we...the straightspouse....work on ourselves, and stop focusing on the people who have hurt us. Because if and when they do "act on it".....we will be ready. 
I think part of the 'glue' that keeps me in a r'ship that has changed so much it's unrecognisable is the strength I have to want to preserve something that was once perfect. 
 

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