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Support » My life is ruined. » August 10, 2017 9:00 am

Robert98
Replies: 15

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Thanks Phoenix. I am not even asking her to deny the attraction, I don't want to "fix" her. I know it isn't going to go away. Perhaps the intensity of the feelings will decrease a bit over time as reality settles back in but that's the most I can really see happening. All I ask for from her is honesty and faithfulness, if she can do that we can make progress.

Support » My life is ruined. » August 10, 2017 6:44 am

Robert98
Replies: 15

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Kel, your words are extremely wise and well put. Everything you said is true, all of it. She called me last night with some more details. Details that tore me apart just a bit more. She said the reason that she couldn't tell me that she wanted to stay together and work on us when I asked her the day before is because she knew there was more she had to tell me and she couldn't move forward without putting everything on the table. Now that she has told me every detail (supposedly) and answered every question I have asked, we feel that we can move forward with a clean slate.

She had time to think and says that what we have; relationship, kids, everything, is worth way more than her being able to act on her attraction. So, we are going to move in the direction of making it work. I totally understand if this appears hopeless to you and you think I am a fool for putting myself in this position again. But at this point I have made up my mind and advice would be a more appreciated thing. She feels that now she came so close to losing what she has, that her attraction is manageable and is going to pursue counseling to explore how to channel or handle for lack of better terms, her feelings.

I am hoping for the best and paying close attention to see that what she says and how she acts are lining up. If anyone has any further insight, please chime in. The fact remains that I have 5 months left overseas and what I can do about the situation at this point is minimal at best. All we can do is communicate and we are trying to do that as effectively as possible.

Support » My life is ruined. » August 9, 2017 1:42 pm

Robert98
Replies: 15

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Dammit. Why do you have to be so good with words?

Support » My life is ruined. » August 9, 2017 2:51 am

Robert98
Replies: 15

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Thanks a lot everyone. Kel, you hit the nail on the head with prettt much everything you said. About the message I saw between her and her friend, it makes a bit more sense now that I am thinking rationally. It was basically them acknowledging what they had but that this was the end, that neither of them could continue to do it. While this doesn't lessen the pain or make what she did any less wrong, it does give a spark of hope. Although I am fully aware that I may very well get destroyed once again, I have told her I am committed to working through it if that's what she wants. She doesn't want to lose what we have and neither do I. I laid it all on the table and am waiting for her decision. Even if it ends up being the end, at least I know I have done everything I could and have exhausted my resources.

Support » My life is ruined. » August 8, 2017 3:36 am

Robert98
Replies: 15

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I guess I didn't delete the original post. Here is the link if it gives you a better idea of our situation.

http://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?pid=8720#p8720

Support » My life is ruined. » August 8, 2017 3:34 am

Robert98
Replies: 15

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Hey everyone, some of you might remember a post from me a few months ago. I deleted it in hopes that I wouldn't have to return to that part of my life. Basically, I discovered my wife's SSA through a threesome that we had had. She reassured me she wanted things between us to stay the same and that she wont act on her attraction. That was about 2 months ago. Ive been struggling myself with feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, depression, etc. I had been talking to a counselor online and had been improving on some of those things. I am currently deployed overseas which adds to the mix. I have been here about 3 weeks. This morning a picture from my wife's phone showed up in my pictures, I guess some of our pictures are linked through the cloud. It was a screenshot of a conversation between her and her friend basically confessing their love for each other physically and emotionally. I immediately call her and tell her to explain. Apparently this affair has been going on for at least a month, so before I left to come over here. I am absolutely destroyed.

Any time I have questioned anything she made me feel ridiculous for asking. Every time I convinced myself that nothing was going on or no, she would never do that, I was right with my initial feelings. She tells me everything on the phone, says how much she loves me and misses me and doesn't want this to end. I cant even stomach what is going on, it doesn't seem real. We have so much together and unfortunately it has to end. I cant think of any reasonable outcome, not with all the times I have asked her a point blank question and she has so easily lied to my face. I want it to work more than anything but it is just too far gone at this point. I will never be able to trust her again. To make this even more of a messed up story is that her friends husband is deployed too! I never could have imagined my wife doing something like this. I thought i knew her so well, everything has been a lie. 8 years of a perfect marriage, know

Support » So confused and unsure. » July 10, 2017 3:58 pm

Robert98
Replies: 7

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Thanks for you understanding, Phoenix. She says she does want to remain committed and stay together, but how can I be sure of that? I know that I can't short of trusting her but I don't know how to get over these feelings of doubt and inadequacy. I screwed up the other night and straight up asked her if there was something between her and one of her good friends. I knew it would hurt her asking that because I told her that I trust her but I guess I just wanted her to say there wasn't for my own satisfaction. But I can't keep doing that to her, she wants everything to go back to how it was before she told me but its more difficult for me. Ive only known she felt this way for a month, she's known most of her life so its taking me some time.

I appreciate your kind words.

Support » So confused and unsure. » July 8, 2017 7:12 pm

Robert98
Replies: 7

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You are right, Daryl. While I still wonder how she may have felt about me throughout our marriage ( if she was just going through the motions), she has not deceived me and I am thankful for that. You ask two questions that are constantly on my mind. Can she remain happy without exploring more? She is trying so hard to concentrate on us and not on her other feelings but I feel I make it more difficult for her at times because she notices how I feel. She can tell when my mind has been wandering and when I am pessimistic about the future.

Being in doubt about female friends is huge. She has reassured me that she will not act on any feelings but it is still always on my mind. As for now, I have no reason not to trust her and I pray it stays that way.

Support » So confused and unsure. » July 6, 2017 8:03 pm

Robert98
Replies: 7

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Thanks for your response, Rob. I trust her 100% that she would not be with someone physically while I am gone as she assured me she is committed. The emotional part, I feel is a bit of a gray area with females as far as where friendship stops and where something more begins. I have been talking to the counselor here and probably will continue to while deployed.

Support » So confused and unsure. » July 6, 2017 6:30 pm

Robert98
Replies: 7

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Hey Everyone,

So I guess I'll just throw it out there, my wife has a same sex attraction. Im going to try to give the cliff notes on this situation but if my emotions get the best of me and I start rambling, I apologize.

A bit of background about us; both 30 years old, 2 young daughters, married for 8 years, known each other since we were kids, extremely happy up until the news was broken. When we married we were both virgins which was very important to us, part of how we were raised. Our marriage has been great with no doubt in my mind that we would last forever, assuming she felt the same.

Fast forward to our 8th anniversary trip to Vegas, we had been drinking quite a bit and found ourselves in a threesome with one of her good friends that lived there. This was not planned and as any guys assumed fantasy, I didn't resist. A couple things left me confused about the situation in the days that followed. I found it odd that my wife didn't show any jealousy in my being with another woman (especially since we had only ever been with each other), it also left me confused inside as to how much she enjoyed it. We talked about how I felt and she assured me that everything was fine between us and it was just because it was something exciting and new. I accepted that and things continued on as normal.

Several months later, we were in a gay club out of town where some friends lived (which I was a little uncomfortable with but our friends knew the owner and I was trying to be not closed minded so I went). Anyway, we were all drinking, me not so much, and my wife makes out with a girl on the dance floor right in front of me. I was caught off guard, but in her defense, she was drinking and thought I would be into it because of the previous threesome. The next morning I flat out asked her if she liked girls. She hesitated for a second, then replied yes. My mind immediately began spinning. What does this mean? Is our marriage over? Has everything been a lie? This was hands

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